A predictable resolution

A vacation in Paris and the usual holiday binge-fest has resulted in the expected weight gain.

Pre-Paris: 122 lbs

Post-Christmas: 126 lbs

Frankly, I'm surprised that my body has held on so stubbornly to the vestiges of fitness.

Of course, I have the Toronto Half-Marathon (May 15, 2011) to train for, but I think some more immediate challenges might be in order. I have some suggestions:

My Own Personal Kichadi - the Kichadi diet was a winning strategy for Doctor Cook, but no one, not even Doctor Cook, wants to do it again. But, what if every competitor could choose their own "kichadi" to consume for a week? A chocolate cake strategy would be wonderful but result in weight gain. A gruel strategy could result in weight loss but kichadi-like suffering. How will competitors balance taste and nutrition?

My Own Personal Hell - Hot yoga is a exercise combining flexibility, strength and cardio challenges in one. It has also been called a form of torture. In an effort to entice new clients, many hot yoga studios offer trial periods for a lower price. All competitors could take advantage of this deal to see who is capable of taking the most punishment...er...mind blowing physical transformation.

New Year's Eve will be one last hurdle before everyone joins the Thinspiration XXL band wagon - hopefully the competitors will be amongst the passengers.

A is for Anorexia

Thinspiration: One compound word with the power to evoke so much change in one's life. Allow me to share some of the life lessons I have learned in my recent months of blog silence, presented in Q & A form.

Q. "Just what have you been eating lately?"
A. "My taste buds have run quite the gamut of late, partaking of items such as duck tongue and gizzard, liters of Lipton Instant Chicken Noodle Soup, dozens of Tootsie Pops, McDonald's and Burger King by the handful, cake, cupcakes, cookies, a container of frosting, and a pound of chocolate covered coffee beans."

Q. "A diet of predominantly candy and chocolate covered coffee beans? Are you insane?"
A. "Yes. But I ate better than any of you suckers. In fact, for a few days there, all I ate were suckers."

Q. "Did you gain massive amounts of weight? Did you give yourself diabetes?"
A. "No. Contrary to popular belief, diabetes is not linked directly to sugar intake, but rather to obesity. And, coupling candy with my well-entrenched anorexic tendencies, any weight changes were minimal."

Q. "Surely there must have been some consequences. How are you still alive?"
A. "Surprisingly not. The only odd and slightly disturbing observation following 3 days of eating dozens of tootsie pops was the odor of candy in my urine! However, this effect is nothing compared with eating Lipton Instant Chicken Soup even two days in a row. Both the color AND odor of urine soon matches the soup, perhaps hinting at its origin."

Q. "Would you recommend others adopt a candy regime in lieu of 'sensible' diets?"
A. "Yes."

Q. "Will you return to glory in the next installment of Thinspiration, if it ever happens?"
A. "How dare you suggest that I ever left my state of glory?!" *storms off*

Epilogue...whatever...

Thinspiration XXL has died with a whimper instead of a vengeance. Or perhaps, it just ate too much and is now hibernating.

Here's the epilogue and some of it might even be true.

celestialspeedster continues to count calories and has started exercising on a regular basis. Hot yoga is her latest thing and she will continue to do it until winter goes away. Unfortunately, she has signed up for the Toronto Half-Marathon and will be forced to run in the cold at some point.

Doctor Cook continues to make questionable life choices like eating frosting for dinner. He will be moving to the West Coast in the new year where taking up snowboarding or taking up a drug habit are both equally plausible. Well, at least the competitors of Thinspiration XXL won't be legally liable for that one. Ha!

Flocons plans to sign up for the Toronto Half-Marathon, but, first, he must survive the avalanche of food to come in December. Unfortunately, his baking skills are in high demand nowadays, and every good baker must sample his own goods.

Opiate has bucked the trend by signing up for the Mississauga Half-Marathon, which happens at the same time as the Toronto Half-Marathon. It is a smart choice since Mayor Hazel McCallion will likely knight Opiate, bestowing upon him a ham and a condo right beside Square One, whereas Mayor Rob Ford will probably throw pork hocks at runners of the Toronto event from his penthouse condo.

Royal Pinguo will attempt to hold Flocons back from the December buffet. When she loses weight in the new year, it will be for herself, and not that cute Cuban guy she met during a recent vacation. No, not at all.

Thorn is still Batman.

The end...for now...

Anti-climactic Catwoman Finale Part 2 to come

The second Catwoman Competition finale will take place this Saturday, November 20: Beautiful Day. Competitors will be measured and are expected to bring their own version of the recently departed Double Down. The visual food orgy to come should be exciting...well, at least more exciting than the Catwoman Competition, which has been a non-starter.

If the competitors do not agree on a challenge for the next round that causes everyone to giggle like frenzied school girls, then this may well mark the finale of Thinspiration XXL.

Obesity rates to rise at Central Tech

Just as Canadians begin pining over the departure of the Double Down, Krispy Kreme has returned from oblivion to fill the void. The chain that had Torontonians running for the (Mississauga) border disappeared in 2004 in the midst of financial woes. Now, Krispy Kreme has set up shop near the intersection of Bathurst and Harbord, within waddling distance of Central Technical School.

Just a reminder that one Krispy Kreme donut equals 250 calories. Take two Krispy Kreme donuts, insert some cheese and bacon in between, and the end result is something even more monstrous (or wonderful?) than the Double Down.

Lunch: Mountains and Molehills

The Twinkie Diet thing reminded me of a post I'd started, stopped and started again.... Think it's time I got back to that thought.

Lunch, the lesser appreciated of the three traditional daily binges. It can be awesome or devastating. We're all so busy in our daily lives that it rarely is used an opportunity for eating something good so much as just vacuuming down some calories to carry you through until dinner. Historically for my 10 years at this job I've done one of two things for lunch:

1. brought in a huge container of one single meal item. Seriously for me I might as well have been using a garbage can. Be it rice or pasta, everything was awash in meat/tomato sauce. I loaded up as much as I could into the biggest container I could find and of course would eat the entire pile in one sitting
2. wandered downtown or to the cafeteria to find some overpriced meal that would ultimately suck as a waste of time, money and tastebud satisfaction

Add this to the fact I skipped breakfast due to my innate laziness of hitting the snoozebar countless times in the morning before rushing out the door. This is bad.

So I was glutting down large amounts of food of dubious nutritional value on a previously empty stomach (barring a coffee) and basically forcing my metabolism to cope with the massive influx all at once. And it did....by making me 197lbs. The body can only burn so much as fuel efficiently in such a span of time, the rest goes to our portly pocket zones. In my case, the beer gut.

Over the last year or two I've been thinspired by many things to change my habits, TXXL has only reinforced that this is a wise course of action.

To be honest, it was also getting really really boring. My tastebuds are tired of monotonous daily meals of convenience so this also adds some meal variety to the routine of my 9-5 desk job grind.

Since I still skip breakfast to an extent I've finally settled on a more reasonable approach.

Solution:

1. Little tiny containers.
   
2. More of them.
   
3. With different non-meatpasta items in each.
4. Bring cereal bars and slices of bread for breakfast when I get to work
   
5. Keep items like peanut butter at work for breakfast bread
   

No. 4 & 5 keep me in check until lunch itself and provides something for my body to burn in the meantime, regulating the metabolism a bit better. The tiny containers are obvious portion control and more options adds more veggies and fruits into my otherwise meatcarby diet. It also has proven to be a quick meal to slice up tomato, onion, lettuce, cheese and meat the night before, throw it all into a container and bring two pieces of bread in another. Put container contents on bread, voila you have a sandwich and the bread isn't soggy.

For lunch I generally still have my mound of pasta, only a smaller molehill with more veggies in the sauce instead of a Half Dome-comparable load of meat and carbs. Half Dome is huge, see pic at the top, the view from the apex is incomparable.

I'm also bringing two juice boxes, one to go with breakfast and another for lunch to keep myself from running down the hallway to the nearest pop machine when I'm tired of just water.

Also common inclusions now in lunch in said tiny containers or on the side:

1. olives and pickles
   
2. mandarin orange pieces
   
3. yogurt
   
4. grapes
   
5. sliced sweet peppers
   
6. apples
   
7. oranges
   
8. bananas
   

I'm also a cheap bastard. This has proved a good cost-cutting measure as I got tired of spending too much money on bad unhealthy food prepared and served by obnoxious staff at unacceptable dives downtown when I either forgot to pack or got tired of my garbage can of carbmeat.

Sodium being a monster flab-builder in the Triad of Trouble (sugar, fat, salt), and being an addict to "pickled anything" which is of course a haven for high sodium.... I've happily discovered Bick's makes a garlic dill with 50% less salt. They taste almost identical to the regular pickles.

Behold the awesomeness of a low-sodium pickle!

Fatty would have come in second

Kansas State University nutrition professor, Mark Haub, has lost 26 pounds in 10 weeks with his Twinkie diet. Starting at 201 pounds, Haub lost 12.9% of his total weight. If he had competed in the original Thinspiration XXL competition, Haub would have come in second! Insert scientific conclusion here.

My latest gimmick

The fact is that I have been exercising on a regular basis in the last few weeks, and in spite of eating more, my weight has not changed. Also static, but less encouraging, are my body measurements.

With the three week extension to the Catwoman Competition, I have decided to take desperate measures. I will be attending Bikram Yoga classes for the month of November. My friend, the Storymaster insists that this is a surefire way to melt away the fat. Having only tried it once before, I can vouch that it is debatable form of torture.

Madonna does Ashtanga yoga, and she has zero body fat. I have been told that my hands look like Madonna's so perhaps doing Bikram Yoga will cause this similarity to spread throughout my body. One guy doesn't think Bikram Yoga is healthy for Madonna. Well, that's enough faulty logic for today. See you at the sweat mark.

Catwoman Competition results: inconclusive

At the finale of the Catwoman Competition, body measurements were quickly forgotten as competitors gorged on homemade baked goods by Flocons, and a sushi party tray. The competitors were then distracted by the need to show off their costumes to unwilling spectators, like friend and non-follower of Thinspiration XXL, Senan. Fortunately, Senan's child was already safely ensconced in bed, and did not have her Halloween ruined by six creepy adults.

After sorely testing the hospitality of Senan, the competitors returned to the home of Flocons and Royal Pinguo to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii, with the body parts of Jon Levy distributed to the winner of each round. This will be news to Jon Levy, who assumes that cannibalism is simply a topic of debate, rather than a real personal concern.

Frankly, no one looked good in a catsuit, even prior to the binge eating that has become status quo at Thinspiration XXL events. Hence, the 'Catwoman' competition will continue and conclude on Beautiful Day: November 20.

Save the date by marking it on your calendars (especially you, Jon Levy, you tasty, tasty morsel).

A Catsuit for All Seasons

The Catwoman Competition concludes this Sunday on Halloween.

It is unclear how a winner will be determined since the winning criteria have never been made clear, but the competitors will be judged, and judged harshly, as they strut about in skin tight outfits.

To quash false hope right now: there will not be any photos posted; only results.

Stay tuned!

DD Day +1

Okay. We did it.

In concept, melted cheese and bacon on chicken sounds extraordinarily delicious. In practice, and even knowing it's gastly level of sodium beforehand I wasn't expecting a mouthful of the Dead Sea when I bit into it.

It reminded me of these... for those of more urban origins those are Salt Lick Blocks that are given to cattle. These as you may have guessed are large blocks of salt.

Cows lick these.

KFC is now selling you a deep fried one for $7 a shot.

Thank Dionysus there was a pub nearby. It took a huge stein (two actually) of good beer and a monster size salad to get the salt taste of my tongue.

Though I am happy to report it does not indeed require hot sauce per se, but it wouldn't have hurt.

Verdict on the Double Down:

ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY

DD-Day

So...

Today is the day we Double Down. I'm still hesitant. Just thinking about it makes me feel an aneurysm coming on sending my arteries and kidneys cowering in fear.

Will our stomachs survive the gastrointestinal onslaught of sodium and fat in a tasty chicken package? Well, wait and see.

All I know is this:

It will probably need hot sauce.

A Haiku for the KFC Double Down

Two seasoned chickens.

The breaded deep-fried borders,

Of the Double Down.

Delicious bacon,

Thy crispy salty nature,

A pleasure of taste.

Melted pepper jack.

The cohesive cheese that binds,

Merging of flavour.

Sauce of mystery,

A rare treat for the senses.

The sandwich complete!

KFC: Double Down!

The KFC Double Down arrives in Canada today! Premium seasoned chicken, strips of delicious bacon, two slices of pepper jack cheese, and special sauce... The Thinspiration XXL team will be jogging to KFC on Thursday, then replenishing lost electrolytes with the infamous Double Down!

DOUBLE DOWN! DOUBLE DOWN!

If you gotta sit on your ass, at least make wasting time interesting

Not one to shy away from sloth at times of slothiness, a chosen victim of my own inertia I try to be at least partially mentally engaged with the process of ever-widening my waist and ass in between my infrequent workouts.

So join me on the couch, relax, and enjoy the show with these 2 short time wasters:

The 600 Years, by the macula. For the 600th Anniversary of the Astronomical Clock Tower in Prague. I dig old clocks like this, the mechanics and calculations that had gone into their construction must have been staggering. Buildings have stories to tell as do the people who built them.

I've seen projected building work before but nothing like this. "the macula" display here just totally blew me away. Make sure you have the sound on and in IE and Firefox hit F11 to max out your screen, the video is TALL.

Suggested pairing: roast pork with dumplings and sauerkraut, Czechvar or Kozel beer

Mass Effect 2's opening sequence. An opening scene sets the tone, doesn't matter if it's the opening bars to a concert or the first scene of King Lear.

Bioware has turned much of what was once considered the "non-art" of video games and made them relevant. Mass Effect 2's opening interactive cut-scene alone turned customary game intro's upside down and inside out.

This sequence left my quaking jaw on the floor when I fired it up in January on release day. Even if you don't know the story of the first game, this is a pretty epic way to get uncontrollably pulled into the ME universe in the sequel.

SPOILER: You play as Commander Shepard. And in the first 5 minutes, you die. Chew on that for a minute.

Yes that is a LEGO Normandy SR-2 built by Ben Fellowes. It even has a LEGO Kodiak shuttle and a docking bay to store it in. 1.26 metres of LEGO awesomeness.

Suggested pairing: any Big Rock beer and Alberta beef tenderloin.

I feel my ass getting bigger by the moment.

The Secret Halle Berry Workout

To become Catwoman, one must exercise like Catwoman! This has lead me to researching the most recent actress to play Catwoman with stalker-like intensity. It turns out that Halle Berry gained back her thin figure after having a baby through a special workout. I haven't been able to find the exact details of this secret workout, but based on paparazzi photographs, I have assembled what must be a reasonable facsimile of it.

Step 1: Jog with child in a stroller. This must be her cardio workout. She must be wearing her dri-fit dress in this photo. Increased resistance training can be accomplished by used heavier a child, or perhaps doubling up on children. She probably adds in hills and walking on high-heels definitely works her calves.

Step 2: Arm curls with dogs. This must be her upper-body strength training. The brilliance of using live dogs is that they are constantly squirming, forcing you to use your stabilizer muscles to maintain a good grip and balance. If you want to bulk up on muscle, you can do fewer reps with a heavier breed of dog. If you want lean muscle, you do more reps with a smaller breed of dog.

Step 3: Tongue presses with Jamie Foxx. This must be her flexibility and core workout. It also stresses a key principle in workouts. You are more likely to exercise when you have a workout buddy. Now, I have to emphasize that while Halle Berry did tongue presses with Jamie Foxx, I could do a modified version of this exercise... with Don Cheadle or Cuba Gooding Jr. It doesn't have to be Jamie Foxx. You can be mix-it-up and be creative.

Marshmallow in the middle but she's got much back

I have learned what I must do to make my bust bigger, but what about my waist? A smaller waist will be key to becoming Catwoman, whatever version of her.

Catwoman	Chest	Waist	Hips
Halle Berry	36"	22"	37"
Michelle Pfeiffer	33.5"	24"	34"
Julie Newmar	38"	23"	38"
Me	32.5"	27.6"	37.8"

As you can see, my hips are Catwoman ready so I'm already 1/3 of the way towards victory.

In the next few weeks, I will attempt the following strategies for a smaller waist:

• eat whole grains instead of refined grains
• cardio exercises to decrease overall fat
• special waist whittling exercises

Having to lose as much as 5" off my waist will be tough so expect increasingly desperate measures as Halloween looms.

Between a rock and a fat place...

Firstly we all know Speedster is the only one who will do the catwoman suit justice, being female and all. Seeing as the rest of us are male we are doomed to failure but try we must.

So I've finally made my donation of $20.80 to Partners in Health as decreed by the First Chapter of TXXL and rounded it up to a more substantial amount as promised in one of my earliest posts.

In doing so, it dawns on me in introspection how quickly I have not only reverted but lost ground on my pre-competition form.

Immediately after the finale and all other summer events wrapped up, I pretty much came to a sit-still. Thanksgiving was awesome, but did not help there especially when bundled together with 2 birthdays and a wedding. Much cheer, much food, much sloth.

My measurements are not flattering.

So it all begins anew and I throw an/old new friend into the mix. Sunday if I make it out of town to see the sibs again....Indoor Rock Climbing !!! Finally, after a significant hiatus my climbing gear will be dusted off (pun yes I am aware) and finally put to use once more. My 9yo nephew who weighs nothing will leave me in his dust not having gravity to tire him out.

My arms have been feeling spindly, my legs, not so strong. This should add to the rectification of slothiness or at least justify it.

Climbing regularly strengthens and stretches EVERYTHING and should tone me up towards that catwoman suit nicely. Though I'll pass on the heels.

I just hope my gut doesn't block my step.

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Flocons

Current body measurements

Bust: 42"

Waist: 44"
Hips: 43"
Thighs: 25"
Upper arms: 14"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: I'm shocked my bust, waist, and hip measurements give me a comparable figure to the province of Saskatchewan. Imagine Saskatchewan in a catsuit... that will be me.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Concerning Catwoman, I feel I have nothing in common with her... aside from my fetish with whips and leather. Besides those things, we are completely different!

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: To become Catwoman, I must EAT like Catwoman. That means a diet of freshly caught mice, raw fish, and small birds. Oh yes, I must also consume small amounts of melamine in my daily diet. Mmm mmm good!

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Thorn

Current body measurements

Bust: 37.4"

Waist: 35.4"
Hips: 39"
Thighs: 23.2"
Upper arms: 13.4"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: None. I'm not doing it.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: I'm Batman! Swear to me! (Pika)

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Doctor Cook

Current body measurements

Bust: 38"

Waist: 31.5"
Hips: 37"
Thighs: 22.5"
Upper arms: 12"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman:
I am filled with excitement at becoming Catwoman. This excitement in turn brings me shame.

What I already have in common with Catwoman:

An aloof attitude towards "owners" of cats; contempt for evil-doers, mixed with a desire to break the rules; and a repository of clever one-liners.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman:
I intend to rely heavily on my cattitude towards cleanliness (I shall give myself frequent baths) and a feeling of superiority.

Frankly, I have nothing to prove to you. I am already spectacular. I think I shall leave now.

But what's that? Catnip?

AAAAAaaaaaahhhhh.... scratch my belly... puuurrrrrrrr....

*swipes a claw at you*

Mwuahahahaa! Catwoman puts the OW in meow!

Champion's Keys to Successful Weight Loss: Choose Your Own Adventure

Poutine: Images of this trick people into visiting a humorous weight loss blog.

Greetings faithful Thinspiration followers, or poutine lovers who have stumbled across us. My apologies, as I had intended to outline my winning strategies for successful weight loss much sooner following my victory in round 1 of Thinspiration; however, they shall be presented here today, and they shall be glorious.

Whatever people may say, weight loss is truly an adventure. Generally, it is a terrible one, spent running in terror from Ronald McDonald's blood red grimace; the Pillsbury Dough Boy's obscene demands that you touch his belly "just a little"; and a myriad other pushy mascots of the food industry. And even if you escape these pernicious pursuers, you need to avoid running too far or too fast or you may end up falling, exhausted, into the pit of anorexia, too weak to ever emerge.



To aid fellow weight loss enthusiasts in their journey, I present this "Choose your own adventure" to weight loss, infused with wisdom from our recent competition:

...

1. You find yourself standing in front of a scale. Your weight is 20 lbs heavier than you like. Your pants are a size too small for your stomach. And your self-esteem is a size too small for your otherwise sparkling personality. Do you:

A. Do nothing (go to 2)
B. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks (go to 3)
C. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 1 month (go to 4)
D. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 6 months (go to 5)

2. Your weight remains the same. What did you expect, stupid? Do you:

A. Do nothing (go back to 2)
B. Decide that you are fine the way you are (go to 6)
C. Decide to revise your strategy (go to 1)

3. You try to exercise every day and starve yourself. You end up feeling weak, terrible, exhausted and losing a total of 5 lbs. You decide you are incapable of significant weight loss, blame genetics, buy a tub of ice cream and gain the weight back, plus an additional 10 lbs. (The end)

4. You lose 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Then you get hungry. (go to 3)

5. You make a sensible, achievable, long term goal. Do you:

A. Nonetheless attempt massive short term hardcore weight loss (go to 7).
B. Decide to follow a diet (go to 8)
C. Decide to exercise (go to 9)

6. You buy new clothes that fit. Life is good. Though you realize you should probably exercise. Fortunately, Thinspiration XXL Part 2 can Thinspire you to health. (The end)

7. You decide to follow some of the exciting strategies of Thinspiration XXL for 1 week. Do you:

A. Follow the Master Mung Cleanse diet, coupled with prolonged anorexia (go to 10)
B. Follow the revised Special "K" diet (go to 11)
C. Severely limit your calorie intake (go to 12)
D. Take laxatives and use the sauna (go to 13)

8. You decide to follow a diet, determine your basal metabolic rate and decide on a calorie intake to allow for:

A. 1 lb of weight loss per week (go to 14)
B. 2 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 15)
C. 3 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 16)
D. 4 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 12)

9. You decide to exercise regularly. Do you:

A. Continue to eat as you normally do. (go to 14)
B. Eat more due to how much hungrier you are. (go to 2)
C. Follow a sensible diet in addition to exercising. (go to 15)
D. Follow a rigorous diet in addition to exercising. (go to 16)
E. Eat as little as possible and exercise concurrently. (go to 17)

10. You lose an insane amount of weight during the week, although you destroy your digestive system in the process. After a month of continued digestive problems, you book a doctor's appointment out of fear that you have developed colon cancer. But hey, at least you're thin, right? (The end; your body can't handle any more)

11. You fail to lose weight during the diet. Who would think that eating food with the letter K in it would lead to weight loss? That is just crazy. (go to 5)

12. You develop progressive weakness, fatigue, and an inability to concentrate. You lose weight, but at what cost? People begin to question whether you are okay behind your back. You feel you should continue to lose weight. You may be anorexic. Thankfully, you're too distracted by your sleek and contoured ribs to notice. (The end?)

13. You find yourself terribly dehydrated, which is particularly problematic since you feel the constant need to poo. You develop severe constipation, hemarrhoids, gas, and generally feel and smell awful. You also don't lose any weight, since it's trapped in your bowels. (The end)

14. You continue to lose weight. It happens slowly, but by 6 months, you have nearly met your goal. The gradual pace allows you to maintain a normal lifestyle, and miraculously, you have made changes to keep it off. You proceed to tell everyone about your success story. People feign interest, but are ultimately bored by your sensible demeanor. Fortunately, boring others pays off. After those insensitive jerks have fallen asleep during your story, you slip out on a pricey bill, saving 40 dollars. (The end)

15. You lose weight quickly, meeting your goal in about 3 months. It feels very difficult throughout, but achievable. You frequently fantasize about eating the lunch of friends and in your darkest hour, the friends themselves. Fortunately, you are thin and only slightly eccentric. Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. (The end)

16. You lose weight rapidly, meeting your goal in under 2 months. You are hungrier than you've ever been. You find yourself chewing on pillows, arms, and bits of leather to take your mind off it. People begin to refer to you as that "attractive but very very crazy person who works down the hall". Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. Someone else gives you a restraining order. (The end)

17. During a particularly long run in the forest, your legs give out. You just don't have the fuel to continue. Foolishly, you decided not to bring money, a cell phone, or any means of getting back home. You stumble and crawl through the forest, eventually coming across a crazy artist, building inukshuks in the middle of a clearing. Do you:

A. Ask the artist if he will share the insects he is eating and if he will allow you the use of his Toronto Sun newspapers to sleep on. (go to 18)
B. Challenge the artist to a duel, with the winner getting to eat the loser. (go to 19)
C. Start building inukshuks with him. (go to 20)
D. Stumble away, hoping to find another option. (go to 21)

18. You wake up covered in spit and urine, none of which is yours. You bid the artist farewell, and stumble home, vowing never to repeat this experience again. (go to 22)

19. The artist easily overpowers you. He hits you over the head. You fall helplessly to the ground. You wake as the base of an inukshuk, with large stones piled on top of you. The artist begins to gnaw on your wrist. Exercise seems to have been a poor choice. (go to 22)

20. The artist appreciates your help. He speaks warm and friendly gibberish to you, stroking his filthy beard as he does so. You share a meal of insects and a strange paste. Amidst the gibberish he is spouting, you recognize the words "lonely" and "rohypnol". You slowly lose consciousness to the sight of his toothless grin drawing near. (go to 22)

21. The artist follows you, and attacks you in the forest. He seems to be hunting you with a plunger lined with steak knives. You trip over a root, hit your head on a rock, and lose consciousness. (go to 22)

22. You wake to find yourself in a classroom, without any pants on. You scream and then awaken again, in your bed, with your wrist in your mouth and a feeling of extreme hunger. You realize that this was all a hallucination. Yes, you are in that bad of shape. Strangely, you have a small model inukshuk in your pocket that you can't explain. (The end)

Survey results: Would having Thinspiration XXL competitors dress up as Catwoman be edutaining?

• Yes - 1 vote (25%)
  
• No - 1 vote (25%)
• This poll is anonymous, right? Then, yes. - 1 vote (25%)
• I would rather they dressed up as Batman. Swear to me! Argghhhh - 1 vote (25%)

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Opiate

Current body measurements
Bust: 41"
Waist: 35"

Hips: 36"

Thighs: 22"

Upper arms: 14"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman:

I enjoy this concept because I know I will be in good company. It's going to be a shared high level embarrassment for all of us and a good incentive to tone up. This I find hilarious and potentially rewarding.

What I already have in common with Catwoman (or just cats):

• Moderate flexibility: with profound thanks to the Storymaster's guidance in the ways of yoga I am not a complete solid slab of immobile lard
• Bouts of rampant energy and playfulness interspersed by moments of extreme slothful laziness
• Love of seafood
• Random urges to climb things
• Already have a furry chin
• Easily distr...ohhh...shiny....

Strategy for becoming Catwoman:

• Yoga as much as possible to increase flexibility.
• Running as always, more and more.
• To re-acquaint myself with the concept of a regular workout at home. It's rather amazing what can be done with your own body mass and no expensive gym equipment.
• More seafood. I said more. Now.

Catwoman Competitor Profile: celestialspeedster

My body looks similar to this Miss Thailand Universe contestant (32 - 28 - 37) but less winsome

Current body measurements

Bust: 32.5"

Waist: 27.6"
Hips: 37.8"
Thighs: 20.9"
Upper arms: 10.2"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: I look forward to watching my competitors parade around in a catsuit.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Female body parts, a love of cats, warring desires to kiss and kill men.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: Increase my bust, decrease my waist, improve flexibility with the help of a scratching post.

October is Catwoman Competition Month

During the original Thinspiration XXL weight-loss competition, competitors not only feared the scale, but also the scales of justice as the untimely demise of Doctor Cook looked increasingly plausible, sure to be followed by charges of 'Counselling to commit suicide'.

Much to everyone's relief, the weight-loss competition is over, and we can all focus on what really matters: looking good in a skin-tight outfit.

On October 31, Thinspiration XXL competitors will use Halloween as a socially acceptable excuse to wear catsuits. The fear of public shame will drive the competitors to not only lose weight, but to exercise and develop attractive muscle tone.

New competitor profiles, featuring current body measurements and strategies for transforming into a sexually attractive yet morally ambiguous vigilante will be posted shortly.

P.S. Readers who were hoping to have their 5K and triathlon desires met will not be disappointed. Stay tuned!

A Lesson Learned

Regardless of it satisfying some innate childhood fantasy and I am reminded of arguments with my parents as to the contrary; I understand their arguments were sound and they were truly and rightly correct. 100% without a doubt:

Chocolate Ice Cream for dinner, in dinner size portions, is a bad idea.

Just so we're all clear on that.

Yes I have done this. It was yummy and an extraordinarily bad idea. I REGRET NOTHING!!!

My name is Opiate. I am a life-long chocolate addict.

Though chocolate ice cream has many wonderful nutritional things in it a body needs to be healthy like you know.... chocolate (calcium, Vitamins A, B2, B12 are in there too as nice bonuses I guess), as with anything yummy that too much of a good thing is also very true. As my taste buds rejoiced my stomach turned into a war-torn state in the throws of a violent rebellion as was expected but did not deter.

Whatever possessed me to eat so much ice cream? I had chocolate ice cream in my freezer.

And a spoon.

I found the picture above on Scoop Adventures, a blog about ice cream: making it and loving it. It includes recipes. A great one I'd like to try is the Blueberry yogurt popsicles. She also has a recipe for a Praline and Bacon flavour.

Central to this find though is the chocolate stout ice cream and the recipe uses of all things Young's Double Chocolate Stout from the UK. One of my personal favourites of all time and guaranteed massive calories per bottle.

Avoid at all costs if you

1. don't like beer
2. don't like chocolate
3. are trying to stay away from high amounts calories contained in single-serving-sized attractive bottles filled with yummy brewed liquid that you are likely to like far too much
   

I'll drink this stuff but the case.

Some healthier(ish) chocolate options:

• Nature Valley Dark Chocolate Trail Mix bars
• Kashi Chocolate fudge coconut, dark chocolate cherry, and mocha almond bars
  
• Any good quality 70% or higher dark chocolate and a glass of nice red wine
• Nutella
• Chocolate covered strawberries, cherries, any berries you like!!

Now that I am out of ice cream, dinner tonight will be something entirely different, chocolate free....and likely containing jalapenos.

Survey results: How would you like to be edutained by the competitors next?

• 5K run - 2 votes (50%)
• Body measurements - 0 vote (0%)
• Fitness test - 0 vote (0%)
• Triathlon - 2 votes (50%)
  

Hibernation is not an option

Scientists are currently researching how bears are able to sleep all winter and lose the fat they pack on prior to hibernation yet almost none of their muscle mass. Until science reveals the magic behind hibernation, I will need to work out over the winter to maintain the muscle that I have built up during the summer, though heavy clothing will hide all sins.

I have considered my winter workout options and list them here:

Running - Running in winter is unpleasant, but it is safer than biking in the cold, and burns more calories in less time, minimizing my time outdoors. Personal record: -13C. Goal: break personal record if global warming doesn't get in the way.

Swimming - Regular public displays in a bathing suit will give me incentive to keep the fat under control...oh, and the exercise will be good, too. Goal: swim no more than once a week for 30 minutes, because chlorine is hell for hair.

Snowboarding - Snowboarding has made me feel a kinship with MMA fighters, because since buying my own snowboard two winters ago, I understand how taking a beating is exhausting. Plus, all the push ups I do to pick myself up after falling over are awesome for defining my arms. Goal: snowboard when snow is present.

I will also be participating in other cold weather activities like stamping my feet at the bus stop, jumping over moats of snow run-off, and heavy lifting of sweaters, hats and coats.

Protein Binge of Fire - Field Testing My Cast Iron Stomach

I thawed some ground beef out, so of course had to do something with it. Also always desiring an excuse to not cook for a while.

The answer:

A HUGE POT OF CHILI

I have no idea how to make chili in any traditional sense. A friend asked me what my recipe was... My response: "recipe?"

Recipe's mean planning and initiating a said plan with proper supplies. I just sort of throw a bunch of stuff into a pot as I found them in my kitchen.

From what I understand chili at it's core needs tomatoes, chili powder and some form of huge protein binge (meat or beans and for me it's both). Pretty much anything else is optional depending on tastes. I could have looked up some recipes online easy enough, but where's the fun in that? I likely wouldn't have half the ingredients on hand anyway.

My grandmother used to put chopped apples in her chili, was actually a neat mix you wouldn't expect to work but did. I have apples, but refrained. It's a difficult balance.

Definitions:

"not small pinch": a fairly large amount, probably a tablespoon or two but varies. I generally just pour it on until I think it's just the right amount of too much.

"Buttload": Exactly as it sounds. Don't ask me what measured amount qualifies a "buttload". A lot more than a not small pinch.


I tend to overdo things a bit as a matter of course.

All in all I'm happy with the results, a spoonful has a decent flavour and near-intolerable spice burn that keeps me coming back for more. It's far better than I was expecting for a mishmash of random things and no proper measurements.

The recipe as best as I can recall:

• 1 cucumber diced
• 1 lb lean ground beef
• 1 can low sodium mixed beans
  
• 1 cup dried, soaked then boiled chick peas
• 3 mason jars of home made tomato juice (my last 3, *sniff*)
• 1/2 a bulb garlic, crushed and diced
• 1/2 a red onion, diced
• a buttload of chili powder
  
• 3 fresh vine tomatoes diced (all I had in the fridge, normally use more)
• a not small pinch of Italian seasoning (oregano, sage, basil and whatnot, picked up from Fresh From the Farm, it's a yummy mix)
• 2 dried Korean chilies crushed (tiny but these critters can stop a rabid charging bull at 100 yards)
• a not small pinch of a salsa spice mix I have, loads of flavour and kick
  
• 3 small branches worth of fresh rosemary
• half a small bottle of pickled sliced jalapenos, a lot, didn't count
• ~12 small pickled green chillies diced (seriously tiny and spicy, a big one might only be 2 inches long, it was the last of the jar so I tossed it all in)
• 1/2 cup of brown rice
  

FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory

FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!

• Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
• Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
• Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
• Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
• Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
• Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Post-banquet weigh-in

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	120 lbs	+ 3 lbs	- 9 lbs ( - 7.0%)
Doctor Cook	158.5 lbs	+ 2.5 lbs	- 21.5 lbs ( - 11.9%)
Flocons	208 lbs	+ 5 lbs	- 4 lbs ( - 1.9%)
Opiate	176 lbs	+ 6 lbs	- 7 lbs ( - 3.8%)
Royal Pinguo	138 lbs	- 0 lb	- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn	169 lbs	+ 3 lbs	- 7 lbs ( - 4.0%)

FINAL WEIGH-IN!!!

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	117 lbs	- 4 lbs	- 12 lbs ( - 9.3%)
Doctor Cook	156 lbs	- 10 lbs	- 24 lbs ( - 13.3%)
Flocons	203 lbs	- 0 lb	- 9 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Opiate	170 lbs	- 8 lbs	- 13 lbs ( - 7.1%)
Royal Pinguo	138 lbs	- 0 lb	- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn	166 lbs	- 2 lb	- 10 lbs ( - 5.7%)

Survey results: The winner of Thinspiration XXL will be...

• celestialspeedster - 3 votes (37%)
• Doctor Cook - 3 votes (37%)
• Flocons - 2 votes (25%)
• Opiate - 0 vote (0%)
  
• Royal Pinguo - 0 vote (0%)
• Thorn - 0 vote (0%)

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured

Skinny and stupid

With less than 24 hours before the final weigh-in, I figure that it is safe to reveal my strategy to win Thinspiration XXL on September 19.

One week before final weigh-in: eat All Bran and little more

I started making All Bran cereal a healthy start to my day in the hope of cleaning house. I have also avoided eating anything with an indeterminate calorie count to ensure that I consume less than 1300 calories each day. This has meant shunning restaurants, and most social activities. Dieters walk alone.

96 hours before final weigh-in: go for a run

While I have been commuting to work by bike practically every day (30 minutes each way), nothing burns calories like running. I went for a run for the first time in months, and I instantly lost pounds. Much of it was water weight, of course, but running succeeded where All Bran failed.

72 hours before final weigh-in: laxatives

Since cutting down my daily caloric intake (1117 is the record), my body has had trouble maintaining a normal temperature. My skin tells me that the air is comfortable and yet, my hands could double as a frosty mug. Walking briskly to bring my body temperature up has become a necessity, but more intense exercise like running has become dangerous. Taking laxatives allow for the evacuation of excess baggage in a safe, seated position.

24 hours before final weigh-in: cut out carbs and salt

A steady diet of protein appears to have resolved the body temperature issue, but a new problem has come up: I am losing my mind. I feel lightheaded, get tired from walking, and have become a cranky pants. Thorn has resorted to patting me on the back before putting me to bed and burying my plaintive whines under the duvet.

Hours before final weigh-in: cut out drinking and enter the sauna

I do not intend to drink any liquids prior to the weigh-in and I will take on another seated position strategy to weight loss: the sauna. Thorn will be present to take me to the final weigh-in, should I fail to carry myself there due to loss of consciousness.

You've been struck by a Smoothie Criminal

There was a time when breakfast was a fried egg sandwich or scrambled eggs and pork sausages. If I was in a rush, I would pick up a Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich or an Egg McMuffin. If I was really in a rush, I would skip breakfast entirely.

Those days are no more. I've started making smoothies this week. It's the lazy man's way to pack fruits and vegetables into your meal. The jolt of fruits and veggies is a good boost at the beginning of my day. Royal Pinguo also likes it.

DIY breakfast smoothies are awesome because it ups your fruit/vegetable intake and displaces the greasy and/or caffeinated junk that people normally have for breakfast. You get to choose what goes into the smoothie too! This morning we had an apple-kiwi smoothie which was pretty awesome. I threw it together since we ran out of oranges last night.

Now the sign of a healthy smoothie depends on your fruit to vegetable ratio. More vegetables are better. Currently my smoothies are 90% fruit, but I'm working on introducing more vegetables to the mix gradually. The extra fiber is also handy for reasons I won't mention...

P.S: Thinspiration XXL Finale on Sunday! Join us live at the Musket for the Thinspiration XXL after-party. More debauchery than a TIFF after-party, I guarantee you!

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 11

No weigh-in today because the Final Weigh-in takes place this Sunday.

We will have the opportunity to force Doctor Cook to weigh in. He might still be 166 lbs right now. We don't know.

Can readers suggest an appropriate penalty for Doctor Cook's shoddy participation?

Status Update: One for the Ditch

Beer Gut of Sloth (Heavy Dwarven Armour):
Fatigue +15
Armour +1
Constitution +50
Speed -20
Dexterity -100
Strength Modifier 0.000001

At this particular moment I remain boned.

Major holes recently punched into my ability to maintain or lose weight:

Montreal is behind me and with it, my ambition to run for the time being. Calling it burnout is a bit of an understatement.

GWN dragon boat race is over. My 9th season of racing is done. Our team closed out the beer tent, being politely booted out as the staff packed up and the sun went down we were the last team standing and quite nicely pickled. Liquid calories abounded as we were celebrating a fun season and finishing off in style.

What this truly means besides the fact my liver is blue is that all that extra exercise from practices to work off my binges is now absent. My binges were rationalized before, now they are not. I am also struck with the new-found free time I don't quite know what to do with yet. If only fleeting this feeling of free time initially drops on your head like a mountain of bricks and is alarmingly disorienting.

Options? I have the usual new apartment stuff that needs attending to still, can go for a run, can maybe catch a movie ...

BUT! *there's always a but.

Halo: Reach is finally here! The prequel endgame of the Bungie era in Halo games, and it's very very fun. If anything will make me take Dragon Age out of my xbox drive and plant my ass immobile without fail it's a new Halo. This represents an incredible opportunity to expand my belly overhang in ever greater dimensions.

Free Time = Video Game Sloth

Eating out. Until very recently I have spent a very little amount of time at home due to the events I've been attending/competing in. So I have been eating humongous portions elsewhere and although yummy, seeing the sodium, sugar and fat levels in most tasty restaurant meals are something to make one's eyeballs shrivel and I'm glad those details aren't listed on the menus yet. I enjoy cooking but my fridge is empty, have to hit the veggie stands and restock the freezer.

Now it's time for me to get off my ass and re-begin my training in other forms and with a new resolve as I'm calling my grace period for recovery (translation: laziness) from the run officially OVER.

In weight loss news

• A new study finds that success, and not looks, makes heterosexual women feel inferior, "triggering an urge in heterosexual women and gay men to eat less and try to become thinner."
  

"The opposite was true for heterosexual man and gay women. They showed no change in their eating habits when exposed to stories of competitive, high-status men and women."

• A nutrition expert has lost weight on a controlled diet of junk food and plain vegetables. For three weeks, Mark Haub's diet has included Little Debbie Pecan Spin Wheels for breakfast, Hostess Twinkies for lunch, birthday cake for supper and Doritos for dessert.

• Weight loss is a summer past time. Since Fall's arrival, I feel cold, almost all of the time. Now, I know why cold climate cuisine usually consists of hearty stews and alcohol.