Accidental Bulimia

No pictures for you. None. I am too sick. There may be a picture on my screen: my own vomit. But no one wants to see that.

Is it something I ate? Or didn't eat? Or am I ill?

Whatever the case, my digestive tract is undergoing some ethnic cleansing of my appetite. And I have never been thinner! Well, of late, anyway.

Typical meal plan of the day:

Coffee and a muffin
Coffee
Coffee
Dinner of some sort
Fiber supplement

Typical night:

1-2 am - Attempt to sleep
4-6 am - Wake up to a dance recital in my digestive tract
6-8 am - Go back to sleep
9 am-10 am - Wake up feeling atrocious, but thin

Kill me now!

Congratulations! It's a beautiful baby...

It's the second week of January and while my vacations are officially over, I will carry the memories formed during the last weeks with me for months to come. Like many young families with far too much free time on their hands in the winter months, I have conceived a child. And also, like most pregnancies, my impending child was an accident. I am debating the names "Oops" or "Teresa" if a girl, and "Lumpy" or "Rambo" if a boy. Here I shall describe the circumstances leading up to his/her conception.



...

I left Toronto on the night of the lunar eclipse. It was an early flight, and I found myself on the street during the event itself, my steps struggling to retreat from the blood red stare of the pregnant moon. In retrospect, perhaps I should have recognized it as an omen of the events to come.

As is often the case, it was a cloudy day in Vancouver when I arrived. After an unexpected and graceful swan dive into the wooden docks of Granville Island and a number of beers to numb both the pain and the embarrassment, I found myself within the downtown core. An air of romance seemed to perfuse the city. In reality, it was likely the cold drawing blood from my brain.

I soon arrived outside of a restaurant. Her restaurant. Her eyes immediately found me at the door. It wasn't hard; the place was empty. Her eyes bore a squint of suspicion as I entered. She warmed up quickly, showing me to a seat with a broad smile and a squint of welcome in her eyes, before sauntering away. I struggled to assemble the puzzle of the menu and of its proprietor, who watched over my decision with an inquisitive squint in her eyes. I made two decisions in those moments: I would have the green curry chicken; and she was not squinting, she was Asian. I entered the restaurant in search of food, but something indescribable happened that day. At the conclusion of my meal, she arrived with the bill and a look of mystery on her face. The cost was a mere $12, but I tipped her my heart.

Within days of arriving at home, I noticed a change. I was suffering from strange cravings. Despite being surrounded by healthy, delicious, and at times gourmet fare, I felt a physiological need for banana bread. And not just banana bread, but cake, cupcakes, butter tarts, chocolate, candy apples, and potato chips. Along with a change in diet, I often felt ill in the mornings. My clothing became tighter. That was when I realized: I was having a baby! A food baby.

My feelings for my child are as fickle as the child itself. My diet has changed more than Jennifer Aniston's relationships. The most recent phase has revolved around the eating of gummy products. I spent three days unable to eat anything but for gummy worms and gummy bears.



People claim that having a child is magical, and yet aside from a strange fascination with the nests of animals in the wild, perhaps related to my own nesting response, I found my mind drifting to the macabre. I alternated between joy and a strong desire to kill this baby through reckless activity ranging from ice skating, dangerous hiking, and tobaggoning. I have also tried to abort it through alcohol and starvation. But all has been to no avail. Animal crackers have become a daily staple. My food baby kicks after a short time without a meal. And strangely, I couldn't be happier.

I have come to terms. I now accept my child, since it was born of hot and spicy Thai love; that and butter. My only concern is that my reckless behavior has damaged it. Since its conception, my dreams have become haunted by images of Michael Moore and depressed reindeer.

Am I ready to carry this potentially damaged child for months to come? Or will I abort it through an orgy of activity? Only time will tell.

A is for Anorexia

Thinspiration: One compound word with the power to evoke so much change in one's life. Allow me to share some of the life lessons I have learned in my recent months of blog silence, presented in Q & A form.

Q. "Just what have you been eating lately?"
A. "My taste buds have run quite the gamut of late, partaking of items such as duck tongue and gizzard, liters of Lipton Instant Chicken Noodle Soup, dozens of Tootsie Pops, McDonald's and Burger King by the handful, cake, cupcakes, cookies, a container of frosting, and a pound of chocolate covered coffee beans."

Q. "A diet of predominantly candy and chocolate covered coffee beans? Are you insane?"
A. "Yes. But I ate better than any of you suckers. In fact, for a few days there, all I ate were suckers."

Q. "Did you gain massive amounts of weight? Did you give yourself diabetes?"
A. "No. Contrary to popular belief, diabetes is not linked directly to sugar intake, but rather to obesity. And, coupling candy with my well-entrenched anorexic tendencies, any weight changes were minimal."

Q. "Surely there must have been some consequences. How are you still alive?"
A. "Surprisingly not. The only odd and slightly disturbing observation following 3 days of eating dozens of tootsie pops was the odor of candy in my urine! However, this effect is nothing compared with eating Lipton Instant Chicken Soup even two days in a row. Both the color AND odor of urine soon matches the soup, perhaps hinting at its origin."

Q. "Would you recommend others adopt a candy regime in lieu of 'sensible' diets?"
A. "Yes."

Q. "Will you return to glory in the next installment of Thinspiration, if it ever happens?"
A. "How dare you suggest that I ever left my state of glory?!" *storms off*

Epilogue...whatever...

Thinspiration XXL has died with a whimper instead of a vengeance. Or perhaps, it just ate too much and is now hibernating.

Here's the epilogue and some of it might even be true.

celestialspeedster continues to count calories and has started exercising on a regular basis. Hot yoga is her latest thing and she will continue to do it until winter goes away. Unfortunately, she has signed up for the Toronto Half-Marathon and will be forced to run in the cold at some point.

Doctor Cook continues to make questionable life choices like eating frosting for dinner. He will be moving to the West Coast in the new year where taking up snowboarding or taking up a drug habit are both equally plausible. Well, at least the competitors of Thinspiration XXL won't be legally liable for that one. Ha!

Flocons plans to sign up for the Toronto Half-Marathon, but, first, he must survive the avalanche of food to come in December. Unfortunately, his baking skills are in high demand nowadays, and every good baker must sample his own goods.

Opiate has bucked the trend by signing up for the Mississauga Half-Marathon, which happens at the same time as the Toronto Half-Marathon. It is a smart choice since Mayor Hazel McCallion will likely knight Opiate, bestowing upon him a ham and a condo right beside Square One, whereas Mayor Rob Ford will probably throw pork hocks at runners of the Toronto event from his penthouse condo.

Royal Pinguo will attempt to hold Flocons back from the December buffet. When she loses weight in the new year, it will be for herself, and not that cute Cuban guy she met during a recent vacation. No, not at all.

Thorn is still Batman.

The end...for now...

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Doctor Cook

Current body measurements

Bust: 38"

Waist: 31.5"
Hips: 37"
Thighs: 22.5"
Upper arms: 12"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman:
I am filled with excitement at becoming Catwoman. This excitement in turn brings me shame.

What I already have in common with Catwoman:

An aloof attitude towards "owners" of cats; contempt for evil-doers, mixed with a desire to break the rules; and a repository of clever one-liners.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman:
I intend to rely heavily on my cattitude towards cleanliness (I shall give myself frequent baths) and a feeling of superiority.

Frankly, I have nothing to prove to you. I am already spectacular. I think I shall leave now.

But what's that? Catnip?

AAAAAaaaaaahhhhh.... scratch my belly... puuurrrrrrrr....

*swipes a claw at you*

Mwuahahahaa! Catwoman puts the OW in meow!

Champion's Keys to Successful Weight Loss: Choose Your Own Adventure

Poutine: Images of this trick people into visiting a humorous weight loss blog.

Greetings faithful Thinspiration followers, or poutine lovers who have stumbled across us. My apologies, as I had intended to outline my winning strategies for successful weight loss much sooner following my victory in round 1 of Thinspiration; however, they shall be presented here today, and they shall be glorious.

Whatever people may say, weight loss is truly an adventure. Generally, it is a terrible one, spent running in terror from Ronald McDonald's blood red grimace; the Pillsbury Dough Boy's obscene demands that you touch his belly "just a little"; and a myriad other pushy mascots of the food industry. And even if you escape these pernicious pursuers, you need to avoid running too far or too fast or you may end up falling, exhausted, into the pit of anorexia, too weak to ever emerge.



To aid fellow weight loss enthusiasts in their journey, I present this "Choose your own adventure" to weight loss, infused with wisdom from our recent competition:

...

1. You find yourself standing in front of a scale. Your weight is 20 lbs heavier than you like. Your pants are a size too small for your stomach. And your self-esteem is a size too small for your otherwise sparkling personality. Do you:

A. Do nothing (go to 2)
B. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks (go to 3)
C. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 1 month (go to 4)
D. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 6 months (go to 5)

2. Your weight remains the same. What did you expect, stupid? Do you:

A. Do nothing (go back to 2)
B. Decide that you are fine the way you are (go to 6)
C. Decide to revise your strategy (go to 1)

3. You try to exercise every day and starve yourself. You end up feeling weak, terrible, exhausted and losing a total of 5 lbs. You decide you are incapable of significant weight loss, blame genetics, buy a tub of ice cream and gain the weight back, plus an additional 10 lbs. (The end)

4. You lose 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Then you get hungry. (go to 3)

5. You make a sensible, achievable, long term goal. Do you:

A. Nonetheless attempt massive short term hardcore weight loss (go to 7).
B. Decide to follow a diet (go to 8)
C. Decide to exercise (go to 9)

6. You buy new clothes that fit. Life is good. Though you realize you should probably exercise. Fortunately, Thinspiration XXL Part 2 can Thinspire you to health. (The end)

7. You decide to follow some of the exciting strategies of Thinspiration XXL for 1 week. Do you:

A. Follow the Master Mung Cleanse diet, coupled with prolonged anorexia (go to 10)
B. Follow the revised Special "K" diet (go to 11)
C. Severely limit your calorie intake (go to 12)
D. Take laxatives and use the sauna (go to 13)

8. You decide to follow a diet, determine your basal metabolic rate and decide on a calorie intake to allow for:

A. 1 lb of weight loss per week (go to 14)
B. 2 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 15)
C. 3 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 16)
D. 4 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 12)

9. You decide to exercise regularly. Do you:

A. Continue to eat as you normally do. (go to 14)
B. Eat more due to how much hungrier you are. (go to 2)
C. Follow a sensible diet in addition to exercising. (go to 15)
D. Follow a rigorous diet in addition to exercising. (go to 16)
E. Eat as little as possible and exercise concurrently. (go to 17)

10. You lose an insane amount of weight during the week, although you destroy your digestive system in the process. After a month of continued digestive problems, you book a doctor's appointment out of fear that you have developed colon cancer. But hey, at least you're thin, right? (The end; your body can't handle any more)

11. You fail to lose weight during the diet. Who would think that eating food with the letter K in it would lead to weight loss? That is just crazy. (go to 5)

12. You develop progressive weakness, fatigue, and an inability to concentrate. You lose weight, but at what cost? People begin to question whether you are okay behind your back. You feel you should continue to lose weight. You may be anorexic. Thankfully, you're too distracted by your sleek and contoured ribs to notice. (The end?)

13. You find yourself terribly dehydrated, which is particularly problematic since you feel the constant need to poo. You develop severe constipation, hemarrhoids, gas, and generally feel and smell awful. You also don't lose any weight, since it's trapped in your bowels. (The end)

14. You continue to lose weight. It happens slowly, but by 6 months, you have nearly met your goal. The gradual pace allows you to maintain a normal lifestyle, and miraculously, you have made changes to keep it off. You proceed to tell everyone about your success story. People feign interest, but are ultimately bored by your sensible demeanor. Fortunately, boring others pays off. After those insensitive jerks have fallen asleep during your story, you slip out on a pricey bill, saving 40 dollars. (The end)

15. You lose weight quickly, meeting your goal in about 3 months. It feels very difficult throughout, but achievable. You frequently fantasize about eating the lunch of friends and in your darkest hour, the friends themselves. Fortunately, you are thin and only slightly eccentric. Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. (The end)

16. You lose weight rapidly, meeting your goal in under 2 months. You are hungrier than you've ever been. You find yourself chewing on pillows, arms, and bits of leather to take your mind off it. People begin to refer to you as that "attractive but very very crazy person who works down the hall". Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. Someone else gives you a restraining order. (The end)

17. During a particularly long run in the forest, your legs give out. You just don't have the fuel to continue. Foolishly, you decided not to bring money, a cell phone, or any means of getting back home. You stumble and crawl through the forest, eventually coming across a crazy artist, building inukshuks in the middle of a clearing. Do you:

A. Ask the artist if he will share the insects he is eating and if he will allow you the use of his Toronto Sun newspapers to sleep on. (go to 18)
B. Challenge the artist to a duel, with the winner getting to eat the loser. (go to 19)
C. Start building inukshuks with him. (go to 20)
D. Stumble away, hoping to find another option. (go to 21)

18. You wake up covered in spit and urine, none of which is yours. You bid the artist farewell, and stumble home, vowing never to repeat this experience again. (go to 22)

19. The artist easily overpowers you. He hits you over the head. You fall helplessly to the ground. You wake as the base of an inukshuk, with large stones piled on top of you. The artist begins to gnaw on your wrist. Exercise seems to have been a poor choice. (go to 22)

20. The artist appreciates your help. He speaks warm and friendly gibberish to you, stroking his filthy beard as he does so. You share a meal of insects and a strange paste. Amidst the gibberish he is spouting, you recognize the words "lonely" and "rohypnol". You slowly lose consciousness to the sight of his toothless grin drawing near. (go to 22)

21. The artist follows you, and attacks you in the forest. He seems to be hunting you with a plunger lined with steak knives. You trip over a root, hit your head on a rock, and lose consciousness. (go to 22)

22. You wake to find yourself in a classroom, without any pants on. You scream and then awaken again, in your bed, with your wrist in your mouth and a feeling of extreme hunger. You realize that this was all a hallucination. Yes, you are in that bad of shape. Strangely, you have a small model inukshuk in your pocket that you can't explain. (The end)

FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory

FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!

• Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
• Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
• Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
• Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
• Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
• Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured

Food Effigies and You

You are what you eat. Or so they say. I pray that this is not true, as my food effigy this week is not pretty. Note: Some food products were 'mooooo're prepared than depicted.

In light of my vow to indulge this week, I have done just that. The consequences have been dire.

1) I have forgone vegetarianism, with dire consequences to my digestive system. Who knew that a scant few weeks would be enough for my system to become completely inadequate at digesting meat?

2) I have forgone sobriety, with dire consequences to my bank account, my digestive system, and also to my liver. Shut up in there you. At least you can regenerate!

3) I have survived a complete day solely on a diet of peanut butter, with dire consequences to my digestive system. This has not been your week, has it large intestine?

4) I have nonetheless discovered that despite this week of binge eating, magically, I can fit into size 31 waist jeans instead of the size 34 parachute pants I was squeezing into earlier. I can even fit size 30, though with dire consequences to anyone who happens to look at me. Thank you Kate Moss for your thinspiration! Anorexia is king!

Thinspiration XXL Finale on September 19

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Thinspiration XXL Final Weigh-in will take place on:

Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Musket (40 Advance Rd, Toronto, ON)

Prior to gorging on wiener schnitzel and pork hocks, we will determine who is the thinnest of us all. Prepare to be amazed!*

If you would like to attend, please RSVP to celestialspeedster.

*Not a guarantee of amazement; more like wishful thinking.

The Final Leg: The (Obese) Tortoise and the (Thin) Hare

The obese tortoise slowly waddles past the sleek hare, whose utter contempt for his competition leads to his ultimate defeat. The intended moral is that "slow and steady wins the race". This is ludicrous. Fast and steady wins the race. EVERY TIME! The real moral is, when competing with a loser, pick the slowest one so that you can sleep as long as possible.

And that, my friends, is what I have done.

For the final leg of this competition, now that I am clearly in the lead, I will realize my "inner hare" and watch languidly as my obese tortoise competitors struggle futilely to catch up.

My plan for the final days of this competition are, thus, as follows: eat whatever I like, drink liberally, exercise rarely if ever, and sleep an hour longer than usual. Through this, I hope to prove that arrogance and bitchiness are an integral and necessary component of victory, and that obese tortoises only pass sleek and thin hares in fairy tales, and not in weight loss competitions.

In all seriousness, I'm thin enough to fit another person into my clothes along with me, and I don't want to lose any more weight. I have nothing but respect for my competitors, who were stuffing their faces with ribs (weight gain) while I reacquainted myself with my bathroom and the wonderful world of fiber (weight loss).

Master Mung Cleanse: By the Numbers

Like most things in life, putting numbers into a graphical form makes them better. Hey! Stop! Come back here! Really, it's true. And it's interesting. Check it out.

Calories consumed during the kichadi fast compared to calories burned due to basal metabolism.

As you can see, the kichadi fast was very effective in moderating my food intake, restricting my caloric intake to what is probably dangerous levels. From these numbers, I would have burned ~8800 calories more than I consumed during that week. This equates to approximately 2.5 lbs.

And yet, no weight loss? Or rather, only 0.5 lb of weight loss?

This leads to the question, is there an explanation for this discrepancy, or I am just full of shit? To answer this, I turn to the awesome power of graphs.

Excitement level and death wish with progression of the kichadi fast. Additionally, days since the last bowel movement (BM) are indicated.

There are a few major conclusions to be drawn from this graph. First, I do not like kichadi and mung. I do not like them, Sam-I-Sung. Second, over time I recognized that the pain of starvation was far preferable to the pain of eating kichadi. And thirdly, kichadi, as prepared, most definitely did not lead to more frequent pooing. As you can see, by the end of the competition, it had been 4 days since my last deposit.

In actuality, it turns out that the answer to the question posed above is both: there is an explanation, that being I *was* full of shit!

As such, any failure to lose weight can be attributed to this side-effect, and potentially to differences in water weight between our infrequent weight measurements.

Kichadi works. Believe in kichadi. You will lose weight. But you will also cry. Trust me. :(

On an important note, I would like to thank the Story Master for her support through this past week of pain. The kichadi fast had many upsides, including a great test of willpower, and a chance to examine my food-related desires in a more critical way.

I would even recommend it as a viable diet option for those with strong willpower and a large surplus of tissue paper (for crying, not pooing, obviously!).

...

Random boring (non-graphical) numbers:

Calories per cup of basmati rice (pre-cooking volumes): 600
Calories per cup of mung beans: 220
Calories per tablespoon of olive oil: 130
My basal metabolic rate: 2200 calories/day

Master Mung Cleanse: Mung Out to Dry, Day 7

Day 7: Tuesday

So long, kichadi!

Comments: The final day of kichadi. I started the day with a bland and flavorless meal of kichadi, forcing myself to stomach a whole meal in one sitting. I weighed in. And then I almost immediately began stuffing my face with cookies. Dinner was healthier, but decidedly delicious.

My goals: 1) To poo. I failed. Again. 2) To use the spices in kichadi to make something tasty, but not so rich that my poor digestive system will make me regret it for days.

Food choice: (Before weigh-in) Kichadi. (After weigh-in) Cookies; potato curry (recipe below); cheddar garden salad.

Total kichadi prepared: 1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.5 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse (minus maple syrup).

General feelings about life post kichadi meal: Jubilant. This is almost over!

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Mild dizziness; dehydration; failure to poo

Days without pooing: 4

Food related dreams or fantasies: Not eating kichadi was the only dream I entertained, and it came true.

Occurrences of note: Still no bowel movements. After 4 days!

Weight before kichadi diet: 166.4 lbs
Weight after kichadi diet: 165.9 lbs

Conclusions (more to follow in a subsequent post): The diet appears not to have been very successful on a numerical level. However, the constipation endured as part of the kichadi fast likely factors into this equation. Anecdotally, numerous individuals with no ties to one another have informed me that I look like I've lost a noticeable amount of weight in the last few days. Stay tuned for the next weigh-in!

....

"Kichadi recovery" Potato curry (very mild):
Makes 4 servings
Calories/serving: ~550

Ingredients:

- 2 tbsp cumin
- 2 tbsp tumeric
- 2 tbsp ground coriander
- 1 tbsp mustard seeds
- 4 tbsp olive oil (tastier alternative: ghee)
- 1 jalapeno, finely diced (alternative: 1 tbsp cayenne)
- 6 medium sized white potatoes, peeled and cut into strips or cubes ~0.5 inch thick
- 3 cups water (tastier alternative: vegetable stock)
- 1 cup coconut milk (healthier alternative: low fat plain yogurt)
- 2 cups frozen peas
- salt to taste

Preparation:

Saute dry spices and jalapeno on medium heat in oil until spices brown (~1-2 minutes).
Add potatoes and mix thoroughly to cover with spices.
Cook ~10 minutes with frequent mixing.
Add water and simmer over low-medium heat until potatoes are soft (~30 minutes).
Add peas and coconut milk and heat until cooked (~5 minutes).

*Adapted from similar recipe listed on Allrecipes.com.

Master Mung Cleanse: Mung and dung, Day 6

Day 6: Tuesday


Comments: The second last day of kichadi. I feel terrible. The kichadi of the day is slightly too old. It is starting to smell. This should deter me from eating it for lunch. Yet it doesn't. Slightly expired kichadi has a unique flavor that I find myself unable to resist. That and I'm starving. At dinner, it is too expired, and I refrain from eating.

My goal: To poo. I failed.

Food choice: Day old microwaved kichadi, with mung beans. Slightly expired by lunch. Very expired by dinner.

Total old slightly expired kichadi remaining: ~1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.5 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 50%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Indian Spice herbal tea, Master Cleanse scares me today.

General feelings about life post meals: Optimistic. It will be over soon.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 4 (lunch); 0 (dinner)

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 6 (lunch); 10 (dinner)

Side-effects of meal: Mild headache; terrible digestive issues; failure to poo

Days without pooing: 3

Food related dreams or fantasies: Continued perusal of the internet for delicious recipes. I crave indian food, though indian food that is delicious. Potato curry may be prepared on Wednesday, for consumption at 12:01am Thursday. Otherwise, nothing too unusual.

Occurrences of note: Still no bowel movements. However, I woke numerous times in the night feeling like "this was the time". It was always a lie.

Lessons to children: 1) Refridgerate food overnight. 2) Kichadi fasts are for grown-ups. 3) Cigarettes may be smooth and delicious and make you feel super cool, but wait until you're at least 14 to sneak behind the school and smoke one that you found on your brothers desk between you and 8 friends.

Master Mung Cleanse: Enter the Mungon, Days 3-5

Day 3: Saturday

Comments: My third day of kichadi. My last day without mung beans. I am excited for mung beans.

My goal: Just one more day!

Food choice: Fresh kichadi

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements).

Total Kichadi eaten: 75%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water

General feelings about life post meals: Optimistic that tomorrow will be better.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 3

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 5

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; poor digestion

Food related dreams or fantasies: Stared longingly at raw spaghetti. Picked up a piece and held it, wishing I could eat it, as is, knowing it to be far more delicious than kichadi.

Occurrences of note: Party at the house with wine, chips, and appetizers. I partook in none of these.

Day 4: Sunday

Kichadi fantasies

Comments: My first day of mung beans! My excitement was misplaced. Spent the afternoon with Thorn, celestialspeedster, and an outside observer, Jon.

My goal: Not to pass out.

Food choice: Day old kichadi, fried with mung beans.

Total Kichadi prepared: ~0.5 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.25 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse in sparkling water (minus cayenne and maple syrup)

General feelings about life post meals: Depressed and fearful.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Food related dreams or fantasies: Cannibalism. Or at least theft of the food of my competitors. If their hands were eaten as well, that would be okay.

Occurrences of note: Became so tired and dizzy that I needed to go home to eat more kichadi. By the time I got home, the idea of kichadi was so repugnant that I abstained from eating more.

Day 5: Monday
Comments: More than halfway through this diet and I feel awful!

My goal: I'm too tired for goals.

Food choice: Fresh kichadi, with mung beans

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 1 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 50%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Indian Spice herbal tea

General feelings about life post meals: Moderately depressed.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 2

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 7

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Days without pooing: 2

Food related dreams or fantasies: Tempted by enticing smell at work. Commented on how delicious it smelled. It was yeast extract, which normally turns my stomach. Again eyed raw spaghetti longingly.

Occurrences of note: Nothing of note. Inability to poo is becoming slightly worrying. This seems to counter predictions of kichadi.

Master Mung Cleanse: Fear and Loathing (of Kichadi) in Toronto, Day 2

Day 2: Friday

Comments: My second day of kichadi. Cold, day old kichadi is the devil.

My goal: To survive.

Food choice: Cold, day old, soggy kichadi (breakfast and lunch), fresh kichadi (dinner).

Total old soggy Kichadi remaining: ~0.5 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements).

Total Kichadi prepared: ~1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements).

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: 1 glass of Master Cleanse, minus the maple syrup; very few glasses of water.


General feelings about life post meals: Mildly depressed.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 2

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 6

Side-effects of meal: Gagging and near vomitting (cold kichadi), fear and loathing of cold day old kichadi, severe hunger during hours spent delaying eating kichadi, uncomfortable fullness after dinner, due to need to eliminate any chance of leftover cold day old soggy kichadi.

Food related dreams or fantasies: Tremendous desire to eat anything that isn't kichadi and lie about it afterwards. While preparing kichadi, strong desire to accidentally add considerably more salt. Again, impulses to drop kichadi on the ground and eat it.

Occurrences of note: Friends offered me cake. Roommates cooked bacon while I was preparing kichadi. Coworker offered me watermelon. Repeatedly offered drinks at house party. Strangely, the overall feeling by the end of the night was very positive.

Master Mung Cleanse: Food & feelings, Day 1

Day 0: Wednesday night


Comments: My last meal before kichadi.

My goal: To indulge.

Food choice: Vegetarian burger with fries from a nearby Firkin pub.

Beverage choice: Pint of Richards White, with a slice of orange.
Second beverage choice: Pint of Richards White, also with a slice of orange.
...
Sixth beverage choice: Oh, you get the point.

General feelings about life post meal: Overwhelmingly happy.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 10

Side-effects of meal: Slurred speech, slight nausea, poor decision making ability, and terrible headache 8 hrs later.

Food related dreams or fantasies: Dreams of hamburgers. Again. Seriously.

Occurrences of note: Fueled by non-kichadi, I found the energy to sing in public and harrass strangers for hours.

Day 1: Thursday


Comments: My first day of kichadi. It smelled delicious. Smells can be deceiving.

My goal: To destroy the Thinspiration competition.

Food choice: Kichadi. Kichadi. And more kichadi. That is all.

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cups of rice (pre-cooking measurements).
Total Kichadi eaten: ~75% of prepared amount.

Beverage choices: 1 glass of Master Cleanse, minus the maple syrup; many glasses of water.

General feelings about life post meals: It could always be worse.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 3
Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 4

Side-effects of meal: Headache (see day 0), more frequent pooing and spitting, more keen senses, particularly as relates to how delicious other people's food must be, loss of overall appetite.

Food related dreams or fantasies: Strong desire to go for a run, if only so that I can lick the sweat off my arm while I eat, thus seasoning the terribly bland kichadi. Additionally, impulse to drop kichadi on the ground and eat it, hoping that the ground will have more flavour than kichadi.

Occurrences of note: Roommates offered me fried chicken in the morning. Friends offered me ice cream cake in the afternoon. I cried on the inside.

Challenge #2 diet strategy: Master Mung Cleanse

Diet plan of choice: Combination of Master Cleanse (lemon water) and an Ayurvedic diet consisting solely of Kichadi (basmati rice, mung beans, spices)

Allowed solid food:

Kichadi:

• 2 cups basmati rice
• 1 cup split mung (beans called mung dal in Indian grocery stores)*
• 8-12 cups water, depending on how liquid you want the kichadi
• 2 Tbsp. ghee (clarified butter) OR olive or sunflower oil
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 scant tsp. ground coriander seeds
• ½ tsp. turmeric powder
• 3-5 whole cardamom pods
• 1-2 tsp. powdered ginger
• A pinch of sea salt or kelp

*Mung omitted for the first 3 days

Allowed liquids: Water, herbal (caffeine free) tea, or lemon water

Master Cleanse lemon water:

• glass of water
• half a lemon
• pinch of cayenne
• [omitted] 2 tbsp Maple syrup

General instructions: You can eat or drink what you want, when you want, of the above food and liquids. However, no other food or drink is allowed. No alcohol. No caffeine.

Rationale behind challenge strategy: Eat food that encourages pooing and drink liquid that encourages vomiting. Both food and liquid are reportedly bland, or unpleasant, thereby encouraging anorexia. It's the perfect trifecta of weight-loss.

Feared potential side-effects: Fatigue, terrible caffeine headaches, vomiting, begging friends for a lunch-time "trade-sie", uncontrollable crying, and uncontrollable pooing(?).

...

As scary as this may be, however, I remind myself how much worse it could be. I could be the middle or the tail end of the human centipede. This movie may suit bulimics due to its propensity to induce vomiting.

Masters of the Veggieverse

Vegetarians, embodied by the crafty, but militant and evil Skeletor, are in a constant war with society's Carnivores and Omnivores, embodied by the heroic, but perhaps not so bright He-Man. No one has ever liked Skeletor, but wow-wee, look how thin he is!

Many a friend or acquaintance over the years has endeavored to convince me of the rightness of vegetarianism, and the cruelty of eating animals whose entire lives are spent living in atrocious conditions.

PETA anti-meat propaganda. Not for the light of heart or the full of stomach.

I question how true their conclusions are of the "factory farming" industry in general, but PETA certainly does a good job of pointing out the worst cases.

Strangely, after watching this, while I definitely acknowledge that the video is appalling, I still find myself craving a hamburger or some chicken wings. My love of eating animals is incredibly powerful. To insulate my meat obsession from any potential "crazy" moral decision, I have built up an armada of reasons and strategies to keep eating meat, ranging from the realistic to the absurd. Here are some of them:

1. Avoid the issues. Don't look too hard, or you might find out something unappetizing. I still have never watched Super Size Me, just in case it turns me off of McDonald's.

2. PETA is simply trying to move a political agenda. Vegans and vegetarians are clearly insane. I mean, they don't eat meat! They are also possibly unbalanced, likely due to insufficient meat in their diets. How can I trust this information? I could investigate other sources, but that would violate rule #1.

3. Chickens can't fly. If I eat their vestigial wings, I'm just relieving them of any foolish notions of even trying. It's true that they are probably killed in the process of extracting their wings, but... well, it's time for rule #1.

4. I don't even like chickens. If they could eat us, they would. Worst of all, they go for the eyes.

5. Plants are also alive. They are just so different than us that no one cares what happens to them. Vegetarians look at pigs and cows and are reminded of themselves. I feel no such kinship. If plants had faces and could make noises resembling speech, particularly sensitive vegetarians would starve.

6. Humans are not genetically designed to be vegetarian. It requires much more work to maintain a balanced diet. And I am lazy. I don't want to die of malnutrition. Therefore, logically, something needs to die.
Movie, or appetizer? *looks hungrily at Babe

7. I will become a pariah among my friends if I stop eating meat. You don't win friends with salad, afterall. Not to mention, I will be in danger if I hesitate to resort to cannibalism (in dire situations, of course, not as an enjoyable past-time).

8. Bacon. Popcorn chicken. Steak, medium rare. Lamb. Goat roti. Mmmmmm...

9. The real reason: I love meat too much to stop eating it.

...

However, for the duration of this competition, I will adopt a half-ass meat-free diet (outside of occasions where it is unavoidable or my willpower is too weak). To be clear, this is not a moral stand, but a further strategy to lose weight. So please friends, do not disown me.

Note: I actually do respect vegetarians. I just love eating meat!