Congratulations! It's a beautiful baby...

It's the second week of January and while my vacations are officially over, I will carry the memories formed during the last weeks with me for months to come. Like many young families with far too much free time on their hands in the winter months, I have conceived a child. And also, like most pregnancies, my impending child was an accident. I am debating the names "Oops" or "Teresa" if a girl, and "Lumpy" or "Rambo" if a boy. Here I shall describe the circumstances leading up to his/her conception.



...

I left Toronto on the night of the lunar eclipse. It was an early flight, and I found myself on the street during the event itself, my steps struggling to retreat from the blood red stare of the pregnant moon. In retrospect, perhaps I should have recognized it as an omen of the events to come.

As is often the case, it was a cloudy day in Vancouver when I arrived. After an unexpected and graceful swan dive into the wooden docks of Granville Island and a number of beers to numb both the pain and the embarrassment, I found myself within the downtown core. An air of romance seemed to perfuse the city. In reality, it was likely the cold drawing blood from my brain.

I soon arrived outside of a restaurant. Her restaurant. Her eyes immediately found me at the door. It wasn't hard; the place was empty. Her eyes bore a squint of suspicion as I entered. She warmed up quickly, showing me to a seat with a broad smile and a squint of welcome in her eyes, before sauntering away. I struggled to assemble the puzzle of the menu and of its proprietor, who watched over my decision with an inquisitive squint in her eyes. I made two decisions in those moments: I would have the green curry chicken; and she was not squinting, she was Asian. I entered the restaurant in search of food, but something indescribable happened that day. At the conclusion of my meal, she arrived with the bill and a look of mystery on her face. The cost was a mere $12, but I tipped her my heart.

Within days of arriving at home, I noticed a change. I was suffering from strange cravings. Despite being surrounded by healthy, delicious, and at times gourmet fare, I felt a physiological need for banana bread. And not just banana bread, but cake, cupcakes, butter tarts, chocolate, candy apples, and potato chips. Along with a change in diet, I often felt ill in the mornings. My clothing became tighter. That was when I realized: I was having a baby! A food baby.

My feelings for my child are as fickle as the child itself. My diet has changed more than Jennifer Aniston's relationships. The most recent phase has revolved around the eating of gummy products. I spent three days unable to eat anything but for gummy worms and gummy bears.



People claim that having a child is magical, and yet aside from a strange fascination with the nests of animals in the wild, perhaps related to my own nesting response, I found my mind drifting to the macabre. I alternated between joy and a strong desire to kill this baby through reckless activity ranging from ice skating, dangerous hiking, and tobaggoning. I have also tried to abort it through alcohol and starvation. But all has been to no avail. Animal crackers have become a daily staple. My food baby kicks after a short time without a meal. And strangely, I couldn't be happier.

I have come to terms. I now accept my child, since it was born of hot and spicy Thai love; that and butter. My only concern is that my reckless behavior has damaged it. Since its conception, my dreams have become haunted by images of Michael Moore and depressed reindeer.

Am I ready to carry this potentially damaged child for months to come? Or will I abort it through an orgy of activity? Only time will tell.

A week of hell

For the month of December, I let myself go. I ate whatever I wanted (usually not healthy) and didn't really exercise. In the end, I got sick and felt bloated. It was not worth it.

My new year's resolution is to get back to being healthy...Thinspiration XXL healthy, that is. Since January 1, I've reduced my daily caloric intake to 1500 calories or less with the help of a calorie count application on my cell phone. I have also resumed hot yoga and running.

I must admit that the first few days of drastic stomach shrinking was psychologically and physically uncomfortable. But, now I feel better. No, really. I have lost 2 pounds already.

If I were to inflict my methods on the other competitors, I wonder what would happen? Science research requires volunteers. Anyone? Anyone?

My latest gimmick

The fact is that I have been exercising on a regular basis in the last few weeks, and in spite of eating more, my weight has not changed. Also static, but less encouraging, are my body measurements.

With the three week extension to the Catwoman Competition, I have decided to take desperate measures. I will be attending Bikram Yoga classes for the month of November. My friend, the Storymaster insists that this is a surefire way to melt away the fat. Having only tried it once before, I can vouch that it is debatable form of torture.

Madonna does Ashtanga yoga, and she has zero body fat. I have been told that my hands look like Madonna's so perhaps doing Bikram Yoga will cause this similarity to spread throughout my body. One guy doesn't think Bikram Yoga is healthy for Madonna. Well, that's enough faulty logic for today. See you at the sweat mark.

The Secret Halle Berry Workout

To become Catwoman, one must exercise like Catwoman! This has lead me to researching the most recent actress to play Catwoman with stalker-like intensity. It turns out that Halle Berry gained back her thin figure after having a baby through a special workout. I haven't been able to find the exact details of this secret workout, but based on paparazzi photographs, I have assembled what must be a reasonable facsimile of it.

Step 1: Jog with child in a stroller. This must be her cardio workout. She must be wearing her dri-fit dress in this photo. Increased resistance training can be accomplished by used heavier a child, or perhaps doubling up on children. She probably adds in hills and walking on high-heels definitely works her calves.

Step 2: Arm curls with dogs. This must be her upper-body strength training. The brilliance of using live dogs is that they are constantly squirming, forcing you to use your stabilizer muscles to maintain a good grip and balance. If you want to bulk up on muscle, you can do fewer reps with a heavier breed of dog. If you want lean muscle, you do more reps with a smaller breed of dog.

Step 3: Tongue presses with Jamie Foxx. This must be her flexibility and core workout. It also stresses a key principle in workouts. You are more likely to exercise when you have a workout buddy. Now, I have to emphasize that while Halle Berry did tongue presses with Jamie Foxx, I could do a modified version of this exercise... with Don Cheadle or Cuba Gooding Jr. It doesn't have to be Jamie Foxx. You can be mix-it-up and be creative.

Marshmallow in the middle but she's got much back

I have learned what I must do to make my bust bigger, but what about my waist? A smaller waist will be key to becoming Catwoman, whatever version of her.

Catwoman	Chest	Waist	Hips
Halle Berry	36"	22"	37"
Michelle Pfeiffer	33.5"	24"	34"
Julie Newmar	38"	23"	38"
Me	32.5"	27.6"	37.8"

As you can see, my hips are Catwoman ready so I'm already 1/3 of the way towards victory.

In the next few weeks, I will attempt the following strategies for a smaller waist:

• eat whole grains instead of refined grains
• cardio exercises to decrease overall fat
• special waist whittling exercises

Having to lose as much as 5" off my waist will be tough so expect increasingly desperate measures as Halloween looms.

Between a rock and a fat place...

Firstly we all know Speedster is the only one who will do the catwoman suit justice, being female and all. Seeing as the rest of us are male we are doomed to failure but try we must.

So I've finally made my donation of $20.80 to Partners in Health as decreed by the First Chapter of TXXL and rounded it up to a more substantial amount as promised in one of my earliest posts.

In doing so, it dawns on me in introspection how quickly I have not only reverted but lost ground on my pre-competition form.

Immediately after the finale and all other summer events wrapped up, I pretty much came to a sit-still. Thanksgiving was awesome, but did not help there especially when bundled together with 2 birthdays and a wedding. Much cheer, much food, much sloth.

My measurements are not flattering.

So it all begins anew and I throw an/old new friend into the mix. Sunday if I make it out of town to see the sibs again....Indoor Rock Climbing !!! Finally, after a significant hiatus my climbing gear will be dusted off (pun yes I am aware) and finally put to use once more. My 9yo nephew who weighs nothing will leave me in his dust not having gravity to tire him out.

My arms have been feeling spindly, my legs, not so strong. This should add to the rectification of slothiness or at least justify it.

Climbing regularly strengthens and stretches EVERYTHING and should tone me up towards that catwoman suit nicely. Though I'll pass on the heels.

I just hope my gut doesn't block my step.

Champion's Keys to Successful Weight Loss: Choose Your Own Adventure

Poutine: Images of this trick people into visiting a humorous weight loss blog.

Greetings faithful Thinspiration followers, or poutine lovers who have stumbled across us. My apologies, as I had intended to outline my winning strategies for successful weight loss much sooner following my victory in round 1 of Thinspiration; however, they shall be presented here today, and they shall be glorious.

Whatever people may say, weight loss is truly an adventure. Generally, it is a terrible one, spent running in terror from Ronald McDonald's blood red grimace; the Pillsbury Dough Boy's obscene demands that you touch his belly "just a little"; and a myriad other pushy mascots of the food industry. And even if you escape these pernicious pursuers, you need to avoid running too far or too fast or you may end up falling, exhausted, into the pit of anorexia, too weak to ever emerge.



To aid fellow weight loss enthusiasts in their journey, I present this "Choose your own adventure" to weight loss, infused with wisdom from our recent competition:

...

1. You find yourself standing in front of a scale. Your weight is 20 lbs heavier than you like. Your pants are a size too small for your stomach. And your self-esteem is a size too small for your otherwise sparkling personality. Do you:

A. Do nothing (go to 2)
B. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks (go to 3)
C. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 1 month (go to 4)
D. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 6 months (go to 5)

2. Your weight remains the same. What did you expect, stupid? Do you:

A. Do nothing (go back to 2)
B. Decide that you are fine the way you are (go to 6)
C. Decide to revise your strategy (go to 1)

3. You try to exercise every day and starve yourself. You end up feeling weak, terrible, exhausted and losing a total of 5 lbs. You decide you are incapable of significant weight loss, blame genetics, buy a tub of ice cream and gain the weight back, plus an additional 10 lbs. (The end)

4. You lose 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Then you get hungry. (go to 3)

5. You make a sensible, achievable, long term goal. Do you:

A. Nonetheless attempt massive short term hardcore weight loss (go to 7).
B. Decide to follow a diet (go to 8)
C. Decide to exercise (go to 9)

6. You buy new clothes that fit. Life is good. Though you realize you should probably exercise. Fortunately, Thinspiration XXL Part 2 can Thinspire you to health. (The end)

7. You decide to follow some of the exciting strategies of Thinspiration XXL for 1 week. Do you:

A. Follow the Master Mung Cleanse diet, coupled with prolonged anorexia (go to 10)
B. Follow the revised Special "K" diet (go to 11)
C. Severely limit your calorie intake (go to 12)
D. Take laxatives and use the sauna (go to 13)

8. You decide to follow a diet, determine your basal metabolic rate and decide on a calorie intake to allow for:

A. 1 lb of weight loss per week (go to 14)
B. 2 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 15)
C. 3 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 16)
D. 4 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 12)

9. You decide to exercise regularly. Do you:

A. Continue to eat as you normally do. (go to 14)
B. Eat more due to how much hungrier you are. (go to 2)
C. Follow a sensible diet in addition to exercising. (go to 15)
D. Follow a rigorous diet in addition to exercising. (go to 16)
E. Eat as little as possible and exercise concurrently. (go to 17)

10. You lose an insane amount of weight during the week, although you destroy your digestive system in the process. After a month of continued digestive problems, you book a doctor's appointment out of fear that you have developed colon cancer. But hey, at least you're thin, right? (The end; your body can't handle any more)

11. You fail to lose weight during the diet. Who would think that eating food with the letter K in it would lead to weight loss? That is just crazy. (go to 5)

12. You develop progressive weakness, fatigue, and an inability to concentrate. You lose weight, but at what cost? People begin to question whether you are okay behind your back. You feel you should continue to lose weight. You may be anorexic. Thankfully, you're too distracted by your sleek and contoured ribs to notice. (The end?)

13. You find yourself terribly dehydrated, which is particularly problematic since you feel the constant need to poo. You develop severe constipation, hemarrhoids, gas, and generally feel and smell awful. You also don't lose any weight, since it's trapped in your bowels. (The end)

14. You continue to lose weight. It happens slowly, but by 6 months, you have nearly met your goal. The gradual pace allows you to maintain a normal lifestyle, and miraculously, you have made changes to keep it off. You proceed to tell everyone about your success story. People feign interest, but are ultimately bored by your sensible demeanor. Fortunately, boring others pays off. After those insensitive jerks have fallen asleep during your story, you slip out on a pricey bill, saving 40 dollars. (The end)

15. You lose weight quickly, meeting your goal in about 3 months. It feels very difficult throughout, but achievable. You frequently fantasize about eating the lunch of friends and in your darkest hour, the friends themselves. Fortunately, you are thin and only slightly eccentric. Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. (The end)

16. You lose weight rapidly, meeting your goal in under 2 months. You are hungrier than you've ever been. You find yourself chewing on pillows, arms, and bits of leather to take your mind off it. People begin to refer to you as that "attractive but very very crazy person who works down the hall". Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. Someone else gives you a restraining order. (The end)

17. During a particularly long run in the forest, your legs give out. You just don't have the fuel to continue. Foolishly, you decided not to bring money, a cell phone, or any means of getting back home. You stumble and crawl through the forest, eventually coming across a crazy artist, building inukshuks in the middle of a clearing. Do you:

A. Ask the artist if he will share the insects he is eating and if he will allow you the use of his Toronto Sun newspapers to sleep on. (go to 18)
B. Challenge the artist to a duel, with the winner getting to eat the loser. (go to 19)
C. Start building inukshuks with him. (go to 20)
D. Stumble away, hoping to find another option. (go to 21)

18. You wake up covered in spit and urine, none of which is yours. You bid the artist farewell, and stumble home, vowing never to repeat this experience again. (go to 22)

19. The artist easily overpowers you. He hits you over the head. You fall helplessly to the ground. You wake as the base of an inukshuk, with large stones piled on top of you. The artist begins to gnaw on your wrist. Exercise seems to have been a poor choice. (go to 22)

20. The artist appreciates your help. He speaks warm and friendly gibberish to you, stroking his filthy beard as he does so. You share a meal of insects and a strange paste. Amidst the gibberish he is spouting, you recognize the words "lonely" and "rohypnol". You slowly lose consciousness to the sight of his toothless grin drawing near. (go to 22)

21. The artist follows you, and attacks you in the forest. He seems to be hunting you with a plunger lined with steak knives. You trip over a root, hit your head on a rock, and lose consciousness. (go to 22)

22. You wake to find yourself in a classroom, without any pants on. You scream and then awaken again, in your bed, with your wrist in your mouth and a feeling of extreme hunger. You realize that this was all a hallucination. Yes, you are in that bad of shape. Strangely, you have a small model inukshuk in your pocket that you can't explain. (The end)

October is Catwoman Competition Month

During the original Thinspiration XXL weight-loss competition, competitors not only feared the scale, but also the scales of justice as the untimely demise of Doctor Cook looked increasingly plausible, sure to be followed by charges of 'Counselling to commit suicide'.

Much to everyone's relief, the weight-loss competition is over, and we can all focus on what really matters: looking good in a skin-tight outfit.

On October 31, Thinspiration XXL competitors will use Halloween as a socially acceptable excuse to wear catsuits. The fear of public shame will drive the competitors to not only lose weight, but to exercise and develop attractive muscle tone.

New competitor profiles, featuring current body measurements and strategies for transforming into a sexually attractive yet morally ambiguous vigilante will be posted shortly.

P.S. Readers who were hoping to have their 5K and triathlon desires met will not be disappointed. Stay tuned!

Hibernation is not an option

Scientists are currently researching how bears are able to sleep all winter and lose the fat they pack on prior to hibernation yet almost none of their muscle mass. Until science reveals the magic behind hibernation, I will need to work out over the winter to maintain the muscle that I have built up during the summer, though heavy clothing will hide all sins.

I have considered my winter workout options and list them here:

Running - Running in winter is unpleasant, but it is safer than biking in the cold, and burns more calories in less time, minimizing my time outdoors. Personal record: -13C. Goal: break personal record if global warming doesn't get in the way.

Swimming - Regular public displays in a bathing suit will give me incentive to keep the fat under control...oh, and the exercise will be good, too. Goal: swim no more than once a week for 30 minutes, because chlorine is hell for hair.

Snowboarding - Snowboarding has made me feel a kinship with MMA fighters, because since buying my own snowboard two winters ago, I understand how taking a beating is exhausting. Plus, all the push ups I do to pick myself up after falling over are awesome for defining my arms. Goal: snowboard when snow is present.

I will also be participating in other cold weather activities like stamping my feet at the bus stop, jumping over moats of snow run-off, and heavy lifting of sweaters, hats and coats.

FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory

FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured

Is it really harder for women to lose weight?

Before

After

Yes, it is.

Special K Diet Days 3 and 4: Weekend at Calorie Hill

Where to even begin.... It all started with a Sapporo.

As always weekends blur into a mesh of random events one leading into another and it never really makes any sense as it's happening.

Saturday started at 3:30am-ish, not long after I went to bed after watching 3 crazy movies in a row. My sisters dog, love the furball but he decided to wake me up to go outside, doing his doggie business and play fetch in the dark. Then repeated it at around 8am.

Finally woke up proper around 11-something-er-other-ish to the order of "get ready we're leaving" ...um okay. Barely time to brush my teeth.

Arrival around 1pm-ish (still hazy): instant meetings with parents, family we'd not seen since this same event last year, new family I hadn't met before from BC, Manitoba and other parts of Ontario.... as all this is happening the Sapporo was opened and quickly followed by the first of many Keith's. All downhill from here trying to remember all these names.

Also discovered I have a cousin that works in the video game development industry, had a geek-out moment.

There was some chips and cheesies but beer as breakfast had to basically carry the day for a little while. We put a nice dent in the 24 of Keith's as the day wore on into night and the mosquitoes found us.

Though after so many Keith's it was refreshing when my cousin (also a beer snob) hands me a bottle of Edelweiss.... rough day eh?

Breakfast:

• 1 Sapporo 650ml
• several bottles Keith's IPA
• handful of potato chips
• handful of cheesies
• fresh air
  

Lunch and Dinner, one blended into the other, it just sort of never stopped:

• 2 cups Bacardi Lemon with pink lemonade
  
• more Keith's
• 1 bottle Edelweiss
• BBQ pork
• BBQ beef
• peanut cashew noodle salad stuff
• greek salad
• other salads of some kind
• other loads of heavy meal stuff I don't recall the names of but was all awesome
  
• cocktail shrimp and seafood sauce
• grapes
• watermelon
• pineapple
  
• strawberries
• potato salad
• more Keith's
• more chips
• more cheesies
• small coffee cake deserts
• small chocolate cake deserts
• small coconut deserts
• more Keith's
• 4 chocolate cupcakes
• caramel chocolate crunchy bark stuff (FANTASTIC!!!)
• and I'm sure there's more I'm simply forgetting, there was a lot!

Exercise:

• swimming
• keeping up with the kids
  
• 3 person game of horseshoes I lost with a meagre single point to my name
• walking around and mingling all day talking constantly, think I blab a lot? You haven't met the clan.

...and that was just Saturday

Sunday:

• Tim Horton's everything bagel with tomato and swiss
  
• 2 bottles orange juice
• cheeseburger topped with tomato onion lettuce mustard
• black bean (veggie) burger with the same but no cheese
• 1 bottle Keith's
• grapes
  
• raspberries
• strawberries
• olives
  
• pickles
  

Back home:

• special K bar
• bowl of PC whole grain Cheerios knock off (which actually tastes better!) in skim milk
• not so much fresh air
  

Sleep is overrated...

This weekend: 15k road race, through much of the same route taken during the "Burn to Binge" Challenge, looping from McLeary park out around the Tommy Thomson Lighthouse and back. Ribs and beer, possibly a curried roti and more beer afterward.

Next weekend: huge family BBQ that if last year is any indication I will be pigging out quite literally. It's a pig roast after all. An entire not-small pig slowly rotating for hours over a fire, likely stuffed with sausages and other meats to cook inside. With lots of beer, and yes someone ELSE will be driving. Whichever day the pig roast is not happening I'll be going for a very very very long run through the rural Niagara countryside.

Weekend after: MARATHON!! Oh Montreal, city of my heartbreak. I will destroy you or myself in the attempt. I fear not thine hills and winding roads, signs in two languages and smoked meat restaurants around every turn. I do fear my beer being warm when I get to the finish line. Must find my blue cooler bag and remember the ice packs.

Weekend after that: final Dragon Boat regatta of the season: GWN at Marilyn Bell Park. An all weekend affair that normally leads to a very tired, sore and hungover Monday.

In between on the Monday to Friday area of the calendar there is yoga classes, dragon boat practices, work, training runs I've finally started fitting in, literally cycling everywhere and life in general all keeping me moving. Oddly enough I have not been sleeping a whole lot all summer even as tired as I am from all of this.

Where this all fits in to Thinspiration XXL you may wonder?

I'm hungry. Constantly hungry. A stabbing gnawing hunger that won't go away. It's driving me nuts. I eat, quite a lot actually. But my body is demanding more. I lie down to bed and my stomach grumbles, loudly and with a sinister English accent (FISH's anonymous friend?) and I envision him wearing a black bowler hat carrying a walking stick. And it's NOT John Steed. I fear for my sanity and my yarbles.

Applying opposite tactics to that of Celestialspeedster and Doctor Cook I have placed a whole other level of duress upon my body in a rather short time frame causing my metabolism to respond in kind and as it rightfully should: demanding adequate fuel to burn in ever increasing amounts. It's loud, distracting and ever-present. I was expecting an increase in appetite, but I wasn't expecting a rampaging near-homicidal urge to devour everything in sight. As I make a desperate last-minute attempt to catch up on two months of lost training before Montreal, this feeling is increasing daily and even the "Summer Pig Roast of Gluttony" may not be enough to satiate the hat wearing phantasm.

Doctor Cook and I went for chicken wings this past weekend at an old favourite haunt: All-Star Wings in Markham. Between the two of us destroying an amount of heavily breaded, deep fried and sauce-drowned wings normally reserved for a group of 3-4 people washed down with a pitcher of Rickard's White. That's not the issue in and of itself. The issue is I was absolutely ravenous again less than two hours later.

Weigh in this week can go either way....we'll find out tomorrow.

Words from a loser: Slow and Steady

Once again Speedster is still firmly entrenched up top and now that Doctor Cook has found a scale and removed the question mark regarding his weight I am officially on the bottom of the group of competitors.

Honestly I take my slow and steady progress as a great personal victory, not being on the bottom as a painful weekly defeat. So ha! Chew on that!

I haven't been this light since 2005.

In recent memory (May 2009) I was dangerously close to that magical number that would designate me as a Clydesdale in triathlon events. A mere pound or two away truth be told. This is not something abhorrent, I would have raced a duathlon in the Clydesdale category with pride. It just would have hurt a lot more.

Half the challenge of any race for us larger types is lumbering one's own bulk along for the ride. It ain't easy.

Before this competition began, at the first team weigh-in for dragon boating this year I was a pack mule of 188. Just a touch under my normal "winter weight".

Dionysus would be proud. I have lost weight steadily week by week without compromising having a good time this summer. I am not one to starve myself when there are alternatives. Lack of fuel makes me tired and cranky and no fun at all. The alternative: eat something dammit!

Just make it something GOOD that is actually worthwhile. No crap will be tolerated by my tastebuds and stomach. They are my harshest critics.

More salads are thrown into the mix and junk food like chocolate bars and chips becoming almost completely absent in my diet is nice. Sure I miss some things, I never really consciously gave up the really GOOD chocolate (Just Us! bars from Nova Scotia...yummy!!) but when money and backpack space is tight...some things just stay on the store shelf.

I am no longer afraid of dying in the marathon, now less than a month away. I'll just go slow, knowing I have a bottle of La Fin du Monde waiting for me at the finish line. If it takes me six hours then so be it. The lessened load on my joints is already a marked improvement especially when I'm not grumbling with hunger which only makes other discomforts more noticeable.

We all need fuel to keep going. It gives us the strength to carry on.

Even a tortoise. Ain't 'e cute?

Challenge #1: Burn to Binge results

In terms of strategy for the first Thinspiration XXL challenge, the majority of competitors had none. After weighing in, everyone, minus Royal Pinguo who could not attend, went for a run. Opiate ran 17 km, Thorn and Doctor Cook ran/walked about half of that, while Flocons and celestialspeedster resorted to the 30 second sprint, 1 minute stumble cycle that Halle Berry reputedly used to prepare for Catwoman.

The competitors made their way to The Burger's Priest (1636 Queen St. E.) on rubbery legs. Flocons, Thorn, Doctor Cook and celestialspeedster had the cheeseburger combo that came with fries and a drink. Opiate passed on the fries and doubled up on meat instead. Everyone marveled at how fresh the burgers were.

Doctor Cook was 'kind' enough to bring a jar of Strawberry Fluff back from Boston. Combine Fluff with peanut butter on Wonderbread and the result is a fluffernutter sandwich. After some beer and sake to wash the pink marshmallow down, the competitors returned to the scale.

Competitor	Pre Binge	Post Binge	Total
celestialspeedster	123 lbs	124 lbs	+ 1 lb
Doctor Cook	172 lbs	171 lbs	- 1 lb
Flocons	211 lbs	208 lbs	- 3 lbs
Opiate	176 lbs	176 lbs	- 0 lb
Royal Pinguo	DNC	DNC	DNC
Thorn	171 lbs	173 lbs	+ 2 lbs

Flocons has won Challenge #1 and his reward is looking like Halle Berry...in Monster's Ball.

Running Riot! Please Note: Headbanging while running is fun but highly discouraged.

As humans we crave distraction especially during points of stress and boredom, while undergoing something long and tedious. Distractions make the time flow just little less slow.

Running is very much in that category of long and tedious. All 6 of us are "runners" to a varying degree or have at least run at some point. I can thank Flocons for getting me into the world in 2004. I've never looked back unless I've tripped on something.

Running is long periods of introspection disguised as excercise. Introspection has it's necesary place but is slow and sometimes painful like running so we distract ourselves with different routes, traffic, conversation if running in groups and music playing, heart rate monitoring gadgets of all kinds. Without distraction we tend to drift in focus to the self-inflicted pain and discomfort and truly HOW LONG this running thing really takes... which just saps all the fun right out of it. Not allowing ourselves to settle into a groove and just go. Which is bad.

That being said there's only a few events I've done that HAVE NOT included some form of eardrum numbing tunes to help pass the time:

• triathlons and duathlons as they are not allowed on course for safety reasons (dangling cables + bike handlebars = bad) and also the events themselves pose significantly different physical and mental challenges
  
• the Twenty Valley Wine Run during which you have enough distraction between running through the vineyards of Niagara, drinking wine en route and chatting with other runners that serves quite well and you WANT it to take a long time. My favourite Personal Worst Time ever.

I learned the hard way how important distractions are when I ran my first and so far only Marathon. 42km of hell and the battery of my then mp3 player DIED with 15km or so to go. Let the true test of wills begin...honest I was about to cry. 42km on your feet can do that, especially when you're not even done yet.

iPod batteries holding a more reliable charge has resolved that issue. In no particular order here's a small selection of distracting tunage from my trusty-near-rusty iPod shuffle that have carried me through many a run:

1. Slayer : Raining Blood (really does it require any explanation?)


2. Tea Party : Sister Awake (Alhambra remix)


3. Radiohead : Backdrifts


4. Finger 11 : Quicksand


5. Daniel Lanois : Still Water


6. Alice in Chains : I Stay Away


7. Tool : Pushit (Live version from Salival)


8. Stone Temple Pilots : Still Remains


9. Korn : No Place to Hide


10. Pearl Jam : I Am Mine (I know I was born and I know that I'll die, in between is mine...)

I am not left-handed.

It is said that when it comes to weight-loss... your greatest opponent is yourself. Whoever said that would find Thinspiration XXL inconceivable. The truth is, I have 6 opponents. My wife who is steadily losing a pound a week... My 3 best friends, who have been catching up to me... My arch-nemesis (and unquestionably my best friend as well) who has been pulling away into the lead... Finally, myself who has been throwing up obstacles to better weight loss.

Well enough is enough. I've held back long enough. I've achieved my results to date from healthy eating alone. In the coming weeks, I'm taking the gloves off. I'm finally throwing exercise into the equation. I may also induce myself to vomit Kirby-style. You have been warned.

"My name is Flocons De Mais. You killed my weight loss. Prepare to lose."

The secret of my success

After four weeks of watching the competition waddle to catch up, I have decided to share my wealth of knowledge on how to achieve rapid weight loss. You're welcome.

• Stay a little hungry - I eat just enough to prevent myself from sliding into complete dementia, but a little bit of hunger is always gnawing at me. When I go to bed, I like to pretend that I'm Oliver Twist, or someone equally precious...and skinny.
• Exercise everyday - I do not enjoy taking time out to exercise, and that has been my downfall in the past. Recently, I decided to integrate exercise into my daily life by biking to work. Now, I get a one hour workout, at least five days a week, and it is a necessity, not an activity that must be scheduled in. Plus, it is actually enjoyable, unlike running, which is effective but tortuous.
• When in doubt, reach for water - Like Doctor Cook, I am losing touch with my bodily cues, and have trouble differentiating between feeling peckish, hungry, and depressed. So, I just drink some water and wait. If the feeling subsides, I was peckish. If it increases, I'm starving. If my face is wet, I'm crying.

I don't know how low this winning strategy will take me, but the anticipation is a killer.

The Time Lords ... and me

Is this a bad thing? When I'm on a training run and over top of the normal stupidly loud heavy metal, Daniel Lanois, and other oddities on my iPod I start hearing in my head...

The Doctor Who Theme, with images of the Tardis floating through my skull. Yes the iconic Police Box itself.

Where in the hell did that come from?!?! It's been years since I've seen an episode and it's one of the old school era versions stuck on loop between my ears. A variant mix of the haunting 1960's William Hartnell era and the later Tom Baker era tune.

After biking home and running my butt off, had that left my mind nutrient and oxygen deprived in the normal smoggy and humid Toronto air causing psychotropic images and sounds filtering through my mind? Because really, the theme is pretty trippy.

I had to take some time after getting home to collect myself...it was so odd. I consoled myself with more Hewitt's Goat's Milk ice cream, Raspberry this time. 125ml of which is about 37% of your daily fat intake. But so damn yummy. After 15k on my feet I figured I'd earned a scoop or four.

I'm craving tons of it but never satisfied. It's raspberry. Ice cream just isn't the same without it being chocolate, covered in chocolate, include chocolate covered nuts, chunks of chocolate or chocolate anything else for that matter. It's been a while since I've had chocolate anything other than a few tiny choco-covered caramel balls over the weekend.

That's it, the Tardis is telling me I need chocolate. I'm going into withdrawal. That or I was meant to go to Comic Con in San Diego this year and somehow missed the signs.

Damn you, after 50+ years of the BBC series I hope The Master finally kills you off completely this season, no more regeneration you bastard. I'll watch that with a bucket of chocolate covered fried chicken and a brownie filled gut-buster chocolate sundae.

The weigh-in this week is not going to be friendly.