Catwoman Competition results: inconclusive

At the finale of the Catwoman Competition, body measurements were quickly forgotten as competitors gorged on homemade baked goods by Flocons, and a sushi party tray. The competitors were then distracted by the need to show off their costumes to unwilling spectators, like friend and non-follower of Thinspiration XXL, Senan. Fortunately, Senan's child was already safely ensconced in bed, and did not have her Halloween ruined by six creepy adults.

After sorely testing the hospitality of Senan, the competitors returned to the home of Flocons and Royal Pinguo to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii, with the body parts of Jon Levy distributed to the winner of each round. This will be news to Jon Levy, who assumes that cannibalism is simply a topic of debate, rather than a real personal concern.

Frankly, no one looked good in a catsuit, even prior to the binge eating that has become status quo at Thinspiration XXL events. Hence, the 'Catwoman' competition will continue and conclude on Beautiful Day: November 20.

Save the date by marking it on your calendars (especially you, Jon Levy, you tasty, tasty morsel).

Champion's Keys to Successful Weight Loss: Choose Your Own Adventure

Poutine: Images of this trick people into visiting a humorous weight loss blog.

Greetings faithful Thinspiration followers, or poutine lovers who have stumbled across us. My apologies, as I had intended to outline my winning strategies for successful weight loss much sooner following my victory in round 1 of Thinspiration; however, they shall be presented here today, and they shall be glorious.

Whatever people may say, weight loss is truly an adventure. Generally, it is a terrible one, spent running in terror from Ronald McDonald's blood red grimace; the Pillsbury Dough Boy's obscene demands that you touch his belly "just a little"; and a myriad other pushy mascots of the food industry. And even if you escape these pernicious pursuers, you need to avoid running too far or too fast or you may end up falling, exhausted, into the pit of anorexia, too weak to ever emerge.



To aid fellow weight loss enthusiasts in their journey, I present this "Choose your own adventure" to weight loss, infused with wisdom from our recent competition:

...

1. You find yourself standing in front of a scale. Your weight is 20 lbs heavier than you like. Your pants are a size too small for your stomach. And your self-esteem is a size too small for your otherwise sparkling personality. Do you:

A. Do nothing (go to 2)
B. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks (go to 3)
C. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 1 month (go to 4)
D. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 6 months (go to 5)

2. Your weight remains the same. What did you expect, stupid? Do you:

A. Do nothing (go back to 2)
B. Decide that you are fine the way you are (go to 6)
C. Decide to revise your strategy (go to 1)

3. You try to exercise every day and starve yourself. You end up feeling weak, terrible, exhausted and losing a total of 5 lbs. You decide you are incapable of significant weight loss, blame genetics, buy a tub of ice cream and gain the weight back, plus an additional 10 lbs. (The end)

4. You lose 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Then you get hungry. (go to 3)

5. You make a sensible, achievable, long term goal. Do you:

A. Nonetheless attempt massive short term hardcore weight loss (go to 7).
B. Decide to follow a diet (go to 8)
C. Decide to exercise (go to 9)

6. You buy new clothes that fit. Life is good. Though you realize you should probably exercise. Fortunately, Thinspiration XXL Part 2 can Thinspire you to health. (The end)

7. You decide to follow some of the exciting strategies of Thinspiration XXL for 1 week. Do you:

A. Follow the Master Mung Cleanse diet, coupled with prolonged anorexia (go to 10)
B. Follow the revised Special "K" diet (go to 11)
C. Severely limit your calorie intake (go to 12)
D. Take laxatives and use the sauna (go to 13)

8. You decide to follow a diet, determine your basal metabolic rate and decide on a calorie intake to allow for:

A. 1 lb of weight loss per week (go to 14)
B. 2 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 15)
C. 3 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 16)
D. 4 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 12)

9. You decide to exercise regularly. Do you:

A. Continue to eat as you normally do. (go to 14)
B. Eat more due to how much hungrier you are. (go to 2)
C. Follow a sensible diet in addition to exercising. (go to 15)
D. Follow a rigorous diet in addition to exercising. (go to 16)
E. Eat as little as possible and exercise concurrently. (go to 17)

10. You lose an insane amount of weight during the week, although you destroy your digestive system in the process. After a month of continued digestive problems, you book a doctor's appointment out of fear that you have developed colon cancer. But hey, at least you're thin, right? (The end; your body can't handle any more)

11. You fail to lose weight during the diet. Who would think that eating food with the letter K in it would lead to weight loss? That is just crazy. (go to 5)

12. You develop progressive weakness, fatigue, and an inability to concentrate. You lose weight, but at what cost? People begin to question whether you are okay behind your back. You feel you should continue to lose weight. You may be anorexic. Thankfully, you're too distracted by your sleek and contoured ribs to notice. (The end?)

13. You find yourself terribly dehydrated, which is particularly problematic since you feel the constant need to poo. You develop severe constipation, hemarrhoids, gas, and generally feel and smell awful. You also don't lose any weight, since it's trapped in your bowels. (The end)

14. You continue to lose weight. It happens slowly, but by 6 months, you have nearly met your goal. The gradual pace allows you to maintain a normal lifestyle, and miraculously, you have made changes to keep it off. You proceed to tell everyone about your success story. People feign interest, but are ultimately bored by your sensible demeanor. Fortunately, boring others pays off. After those insensitive jerks have fallen asleep during your story, you slip out on a pricey bill, saving 40 dollars. (The end)

15. You lose weight quickly, meeting your goal in about 3 months. It feels very difficult throughout, but achievable. You frequently fantasize about eating the lunch of friends and in your darkest hour, the friends themselves. Fortunately, you are thin and only slightly eccentric. Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. (The end)

16. You lose weight rapidly, meeting your goal in under 2 months. You are hungrier than you've ever been. You find yourself chewing on pillows, arms, and bits of leather to take your mind off it. People begin to refer to you as that "attractive but very very crazy person who works down the hall". Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. Someone else gives you a restraining order. (The end)

17. During a particularly long run in the forest, your legs give out. You just don't have the fuel to continue. Foolishly, you decided not to bring money, a cell phone, or any means of getting back home. You stumble and crawl through the forest, eventually coming across a crazy artist, building inukshuks in the middle of a clearing. Do you:

A. Ask the artist if he will share the insects he is eating and if he will allow you the use of his Toronto Sun newspapers to sleep on. (go to 18)
B. Challenge the artist to a duel, with the winner getting to eat the loser. (go to 19)
C. Start building inukshuks with him. (go to 20)
D. Stumble away, hoping to find another option. (go to 21)

18. You wake up covered in spit and urine, none of which is yours. You bid the artist farewell, and stumble home, vowing never to repeat this experience again. (go to 22)

19. The artist easily overpowers you. He hits you over the head. You fall helplessly to the ground. You wake as the base of an inukshuk, with large stones piled on top of you. The artist begins to gnaw on your wrist. Exercise seems to have been a poor choice. (go to 22)

20. The artist appreciates your help. He speaks warm and friendly gibberish to you, stroking his filthy beard as he does so. You share a meal of insects and a strange paste. Amidst the gibberish he is spouting, you recognize the words "lonely" and "rohypnol". You slowly lose consciousness to the sight of his toothless grin drawing near. (go to 22)

21. The artist follows you, and attacks you in the forest. He seems to be hunting you with a plunger lined with steak knives. You trip over a root, hit your head on a rock, and lose consciousness. (go to 22)

22. You wake to find yourself in a classroom, without any pants on. You scream and then awaken again, in your bed, with your wrist in your mouth and a feeling of extreme hunger. You realize that this was all a hallucination. Yes, you are in that bad of shape. Strangely, you have a small model inukshuk in your pocket that you can't explain. (The end)

Lady Gaga tempting me with cannibalism

As fashion and art critics chatter about the meaning of Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress to the MTV music awards, I say the message is obvious. It is an endorsement of cannibalism. Yet another attempt to coax the members of Thinspiration XXL to put on calories in a socially-unacceptable manner. The mainstream media constantly bombarding us with images of people covered in food, it's only a matter of time before a cannibalism outbreak occurs... and I will be wagging my finger at all of you! (Or grabbing a knife and fork... I haven't decided yet.)

Master Mung Cleanse: Enter the Mungon, Days 3-5

Day 3: Saturday

Comments: My third day of kichadi. My last day without mung beans. I am excited for mung beans.

My goal: Just one more day!

Food choice: Fresh kichadi

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements).

Total Kichadi eaten: 75%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water

General feelings about life post meals: Optimistic that tomorrow will be better.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 3

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 5

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; poor digestion

Food related dreams or fantasies: Stared longingly at raw spaghetti. Picked up a piece and held it, wishing I could eat it, as is, knowing it to be far more delicious than kichadi.

Occurrences of note: Party at the house with wine, chips, and appetizers. I partook in none of these.

Day 4: Sunday

Kichadi fantasies

Comments: My first day of mung beans! My excitement was misplaced. Spent the afternoon with Thorn, celestialspeedster, and an outside observer, Jon.

My goal: Not to pass out.

Food choice: Day old kichadi, fried with mung beans.

Total Kichadi prepared: ~0.5 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.25 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse in sparkling water (minus cayenne and maple syrup)

General feelings about life post meals: Depressed and fearful.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Food related dreams or fantasies: Cannibalism. Or at least theft of the food of my competitors. If their hands were eaten as well, that would be okay.

Occurrences of note: Became so tired and dizzy that I needed to go home to eat more kichadi. By the time I got home, the idea of kichadi was so repugnant that I abstained from eating more.

Day 5: Monday
Comments: More than halfway through this diet and I feel awful!

My goal: I'm too tired for goals.

Food choice: Fresh kichadi, with mung beans

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 1 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 50%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Indian Spice herbal tea

General feelings about life post meals: Moderately depressed.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 2

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 7

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Days without pooing: 2

Food related dreams or fantasies: Tempted by enticing smell at work. Commented on how delicious it smelled. It was yeast extract, which normally turns my stomach. Again eyed raw spaghetti longingly.

Occurrences of note: Nothing of note. Inability to poo is becoming slightly worrying. This seems to counter predictions of kichadi.

Masters of the Veggieverse

Vegetarians, embodied by the crafty, but militant and evil Skeletor, are in a constant war with society's Carnivores and Omnivores, embodied by the heroic, but perhaps not so bright He-Man. No one has ever liked Skeletor, but wow-wee, look how thin he is!

Many a friend or acquaintance over the years has endeavored to convince me of the rightness of vegetarianism, and the cruelty of eating animals whose entire lives are spent living in atrocious conditions.

PETA anti-meat propaganda. Not for the light of heart or the full of stomach.

I question how true their conclusions are of the "factory farming" industry in general, but PETA certainly does a good job of pointing out the worst cases.

Strangely, after watching this, while I definitely acknowledge that the video is appalling, I still find myself craving a hamburger or some chicken wings. My love of eating animals is incredibly powerful. To insulate my meat obsession from any potential "crazy" moral decision, I have built up an armada of reasons and strategies to keep eating meat, ranging from the realistic to the absurd. Here are some of them:

1. Avoid the issues. Don't look too hard, or you might find out something unappetizing. I still have never watched Super Size Me, just in case it turns me off of McDonald's.

2. PETA is simply trying to move a political agenda. Vegans and vegetarians are clearly insane. I mean, they don't eat meat! They are also possibly unbalanced, likely due to insufficient meat in their diets. How can I trust this information? I could investigate other sources, but that would violate rule #1.

3. Chickens can't fly. If I eat their vestigial wings, I'm just relieving them of any foolish notions of even trying. It's true that they are probably killed in the process of extracting their wings, but... well, it's time for rule #1.

4. I don't even like chickens. If they could eat us, they would. Worst of all, they go for the eyes.

5. Plants are also alive. They are just so different than us that no one cares what happens to them. Vegetarians look at pigs and cows and are reminded of themselves. I feel no such kinship. If plants had faces and could make noises resembling speech, particularly sensitive vegetarians would starve.

6. Humans are not genetically designed to be vegetarian. It requires much more work to maintain a balanced diet. And I am lazy. I don't want to die of malnutrition. Therefore, logically, something needs to die.
Movie, or appetizer? *looks hungrily at Babe

7. I will become a pariah among my friends if I stop eating meat. You don't win friends with salad, afterall. Not to mention, I will be in danger if I hesitate to resort to cannibalism (in dire situations, of course, not as an enjoyable past-time).

8. Bacon. Popcorn chicken. Steak, medium rare. Lamb. Goat roti. Mmmmmm...

9. The real reason: I love meat too much to stop eating it.

...

However, for the duration of this competition, I will adopt a half-ass meat-free diet (outside of occasions where it is unavoidable or my willpower is too weak). To be clear, this is not a moral stand, but a further strategy to lose weight. So please friends, do not disown me.

Note: I actually do respect vegetarians. I just love eating meat!

"Mmm, that was delicious. Now excuse me. I need to go to... the bathroom... for a minute..."

As this competition has progressed, it has been interesting to note the eating disorders some of our competitors have developed. I believe celestialspeedster, for one, is well on her way to anorexia. Surprisingly though, we have no bulimics, unless they vomit in secret (Flocons?). Disturbingly, this disappoints me. I would really like to see the full range of eating disorders develop during this competition. I believe it would be informative to human society or something...

However, the idea of bulimia is not totally gone from my mind. Just yesterday I went for all-you-can-eat sushi, and I considered vomiting afterwards. It was a passing thought, and one that I didn't seriously entertain, but I did think of it. The same thought occurred to me at 5am this morning, after eating some delicious lasagna.


Out of curiousity, I decided to take a couple of different eating disorder assessments with the competitive spirit of Thinspiration XXL in mind. Here are my results:

20 question quiz
Your score is 55. You are at a medium risk of developing an eating disorder. You should seek medical advice and/or professional counselling for a more reliable assessment.

50 question quiz
Your score: 72%
65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.

Worry not though, friends, as if this competition were over, my score would be back in the normal range. I checked.

I challenge my fellow competitors to assess whether they are determined enough to win this competition to develop an eating disorder. Take the quiz!

Another important quiz
My score: 69%

PETA tempting me with cannibalism

When you quit smoking, they say that if you can survive the first four days, you'll be okay. Well, my addiction is eating... and the last week has been difficult. I dare say it is a contradiction of my raison d'etre. I have been eating less, and from the last weight-in, it looks like it's working.

It's not to say that I'm not tempted by food. Society tempts you to eat badly, because it's full of gastronomic pushers and pimps of all sorts of terrible food. It's easy to resist the obvious traps. The red-haired clown tempts me with burgers and fries. The white-haired colonel temps me with chicken wings. I say no to them with disgust. But what about the wolves in sheep's clothing? What about black-haired Jared who tells me that eating a foot-long sub is good for me?

Thanks to my calorie counting website (caloriecount.about.com), I know some of the dirty tricks of the food industry. You see, that foot-long sub comes with a foot long bun loaded with carbs and a foot of cold cuts that is full of sodium. It's better than a pizza, but it is nowhere near as healthy as a home-made meal. What about fruit drinks? Loaded with sugar... and real fruit juice is only slightly better. It's also high in sugar and devoid of the precious fiber that your body needs. Do you think trail mix and granola is the way to go? Take a look at the calories and carbs. Diet soda may have zero calories, but it's nowhere near as good as a fresh glass of water. Don't be fooled, my friends.

On that note, what HAVE I been eating? I've been eating more fruits and vegetables. I've been packing them as snacks. Not V8 or Fruitopia... I mean REAL fruits and vegetables. I've been drinking water like a mad man too. Water has zero calories and it fills you up. Fiber also does this very well. I've been eating fiber pills at that crucial time around 2:30 in the afternoon, when my body feels like it wants a snack. I allow myself one "junk meal" a day if my spirit is weak, but it's either during breakfast or lunch... never for dinner. I mentioned this before, but I've been trying to turn my dinners into a light snack. Either cereal or some fruits. I've finally been able to do this during the last 3 days.

I won't kid you. This dramatic change scares me. Today it was 3pm and I realized I didn't eat lunch yet. I didn't feel hungry. The day before, I had only an apple and celery for dinner, and it felt strangely normal. I've been taking multi-vitamins because I'm concerned I'm not getting enough nutrients. To top this off, I've had to battle with strange posters from PETA encouraging me to adopt cannibalism (see above). I would think that PETA would be happy that I've eating more fruits and vegetables, but instead they tempt me into eating humans! That's sick, PETA... almost as sick as your posters tempting me to eat kittens.

Competitor Profile: Royal Pinguo

Thinspiration Competitor Profile

Name: Royal Pinguo

Current Weight: 144 lbs

Goal: 130 lbs

Lowest Adult Weight: 110 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): Minty Gum, Diary Product, Foie Gras

Favourite food(s): Apple

Least favourite healthy food: Cabbage

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Apples! There are so many different kinds and I am hoping I won’t get bored of eating them.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: Never. I have nightmare of toothache so no food for me at night not even in the dream.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: Same as above, fear of toothache

Exercise strategy: Join expensive Gym and hope I will go since I have paid for it. It failed badly.

Thinspiration celebrity: She-Ra Princess of Power. I always wanted a waist like that and the super power is nice too.

Favourite workout music: No music for me. I like to watch TV on the Treadmill in stead. Prefer any of the murder show.

Weighty sob story: I have to go to many weddings every year. It gets harder and harder to find dresses that fit me nicely and remain the same size.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: Matthew McConaughey. I really don’t like him and definitely do not feel bad to grill or BBQ him when desperate.

Charitable beneficiary: World Wildlife Fund - I miss being vegetarian not only save many animals from being eaten by me also save many pounds from growing on me.

Competitor Profile: Thorn

Name: Thorn

Current Weight: 176

Goal: 163

Lowest Adult Weight: 155

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): I have no moral or religious dietary restriction. The more morally ambiguous the better. I have an aversion to ginger. The root and also the hair colour.

Favourite food(s): Instant noodles. I can eat mountains of the stuff. If I buy a full box it would be gone by the end of the week (there are usually more than 30 packages to a box). I think they put something in MSG that's akin to heroine.

Least favourite healthy food: Brown rice. I thought I'd like it. It is rice after all and I'm naturally attached to that amazing starch. However, the texture just kills it for me. It makes eating rice a chore when it should be a pleasure. I don't want to work when I eat.

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: See above re: instant noodles. Why wouldn't you want to eat your favourite food for the rest of your life? I guess the alternative would be strawberry icecream from Häagen-Dazs. This is what originally made me fat. I guess I loved it enough to ignore the fact that my waistline was expanding.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: The only time was wanting to re-enact the food scene with Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. I saw that when I was way too young to see those sorts of things.

Exercise strategy: To reduce the water weight in my body. If the body is 80% water, I suppose I can drop it down to 70% and still be alive. I figure that's enough to get me below my desired weight. Okay, so I'll be severely dehydrated but at least I'll still eat good food without the need to exercise.

Thinspiration celebrity: Gerard Butler in 300 and not Gerard Butler in 300 Pounds.

Favourite workout music: I tend not to workout with music but if I had to then it would be this one. Or random dance/pop music.

Weighty sob story: When my size large shirts started feeling a bit snug I knew I had to stop eating those quarts of Häagen-Dazs ice cream every few days. I was wearing big people clothes.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: One of the Two Fat Ladies. The living one. Imagine how marbled she must be. They cooked with lard their whole life, it's like eating Kobe Humans.

Charitable beneficiary: Habitat for Humanity, because everyone deserves a place to live. Even me. They didn't build my house though. Bastards.

Are you going to eat that?

You know the situation is getting dire when the image above makes you hungry. Not horrified? Well, you should be. I wasn't just talking about the pasta!

It's been almost a week of the Thinspiration competition and I am most assuredly losing weight. My strategy so far has been to cut out those horrible foods that so easily cause weight gain: all of them. Kate Moss, eat your heart ou- Oops, what am I saying? Kate Moss, starve your heart out! Right. Much better.

The "internet" tells me that I presently burn around 3000 calories per day on average.

Presently, I've been consuming in the range of 1500-2000 calories per day, with some notable exceptions, for a daily deficit of 1000-1500 calories.

A pound of fat is 3500 calories. So that basically means I should be losing a pound every 3 days or so.

This leads to an important mathematical safety-conscience question.

At this rate, how long will it take until I lose so much weight that I will literally disappear?

The answer: between 3 and 5 months.

If you use a bunch of probably completely made up numbers, my 180 lbs of weight, last I checked, can be broken down into:

23 lbs of fat [13% body fat. :( ] x 3500 = 82,000 calories
30 lbs of protein x 1800 = 54,000 calories
112 lbs of water
15 lbs of random fairly important stuff, like bones

I'm sure celestialspeedster, our resident cannibalism enthusiast, is perking up at this. One medium sized human could theoretically feed a person for months.

...

But, the point I'm trying to make is, I'm very very hungry. All of the time. There is a constant nagging buzzing feeling in my stomach. I dream of food. I even smell food when it isn't there. There was a distinctive smell of peanut butter earlier. I wasn't having a stroke, so perhaps it was a starvation-induced hallucination.

As the saying should go, I'm hungry enough to eat a Michael Moore. Almost, anyway.

Seriously, look at him.

He's just asking to be eaten!

Competitor profile: Doctor Cook

Name: Doctor Cook

Current Weight: 180

Goal: 165

Lowest Adult Weight: 160

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): I have a small number of allergies which will aid me in this competition. I've recently developed an allergy to walnuts, and now will scream in terror at the offer of any nut-infested baked good. I'm also allergic to cats and mice, which should keep me clear of the nefarious "street meat" of Toronto.

Favourite food(s): Generally, I'm a huge fan of any food that had parents. At the top of my list is popcorn chicken from KFC, and their delicious gravy, both on french fries and poured piping hot into my mouth. If cheese curds can be thrown into the mix, all the better!

Least favourite healthy food: I'm torn between mushrooms and brussel sprouts. Mushrooms feed on the dead, and I'll have no part of zombie vegetables. It just isn't right. And brussel sprouts have an odor somewhere between dirty feet and a ripe baby's diaper. Why on earth would you put that in your mouth?

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Walnuts. I would rather die from a closed windpipe than eat only one food for the rest of my life.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: Never. But I have woken up chewing on my pillow a number of times.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: I frequently have dreams of eating. I once dreamed of eating one of every animal, like Noah's ark, but buffet style. The crocodile hunter would track them down, Dick Cheney would shoot them, and Gordon Ramsay would cook them. The dream was never concluded, but I can only assume Dick Cheney shot everyone eventually. As for food covered celebrities, there have been many, of which Jessica Alba is a favorite guest.

Exercise strategy: Shun the TTC. Walk everywhere. Run 1-2 times a week. Visit the gym, if only to look in, be inspired by others' work ethics, and then head to the pub. There is no coherent strategy at present, though my desire to utterly crush my opponents will see me do whatever it takes.

Thinspiration celebrity: Richard Simmons. His personality terrifies me, but I do respect how many people he has helped to lose weight.

Favourite workout music: I don't actually listen to music while working out. I prefer the sound of my own ragged breathing. Plus, I don't want to associate music that I like with all of the pain of exercise!

Weighty sob story: I'm too poor to keep buying newer bigger pants. I've twice had to leave weddings early on account of my suit being too tight and my being far too uncomfortable to stay.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: Michael Moore. I'd choose him for 3 reasons: he's large enough to make a few meals; I'm certain he would quickly irritate me enough to get over the horrors of having to eat another person; and finally, he's truly awful, and I'm sure the world would be improved with him as food. For the sake of irony, I would do my best to record the events, which I would later transform into a documentary.

Charitable beneficiary: Feed the children. I remember being told as a kid that I should finish my dinner because there were starving children in Africa. Not knowing any better, I always wanted to ship them my left-over food. Admittedly, money is much better and keeps longer!

Competitor Profile: Opiate

Name: Opiate

Current Weight: 183 lbs

Goal: 175 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 168 lbs (a long time ago with an Opiate far away)

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): Anti-MSG. The stuff is not only a useless filler additive but tastes disgusting and makes me feel ill in all manner of unpleasant ways.

Favourite food(s)/greatest weakness: anything chocolate, spicy, smoked, meaty, cheesy, and anything that goes with beer. Maybe beer.

Least favourite healthy food: squishy/creamy tofu

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Heavenly Hash ice cream, ensuring the duration remaining will be enjoyable and short.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: none but have woken up with an unfinished beer can still in hand. Miraculously unspilled.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: Many but eating Heavenly Hash ice cream with fudge and caramel sauce off of Amanda Seyfried or/and Olivia Wilde is definitely up there.

Exercise strategy: Just keep doing what I’m doing, only more so. Yoga, running, drinking, cycling, drinking, dragon boating and drinking. Which essentially means my weight does not stand much of a chance of actually changing in any way. Sigh.

Thinspiration celebrity: Anyone hot who has the 6 pack abs I do not.

Favourite workout music: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Radiohead, Daniel Lanois, SOAD, STP, Alice in Chains, TOOL

Weighty sob story: 3 buttons popped off on 3 separate pairs of pants in one winter. That was a lot of unsatisfactory popping not involving bubble wrap. This was just this past winter. Le Cry.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time:

Chef Paul Prudhomme. If you are what you eat then Chef Paul would be one hell of a spicy jambalaya. Back in the day, Chef Paul was absolutely HUGE!!! His early cookbooks were for those who loved to eat and are recipes for coronary arterial disaster, yummy yummy disaster. He’s dropped a lot of weight since then but if he was still his former glorious bulk he could feed an entire tribe for the better part of a year, and he’s already well-seasoned and aged. I'd pair him with a nice bottle of Cab-Savingnon because oddly I happen to always have one handy when things become dire.

Charitable beneficiary: Partners In Health - because people have the right to be healthy regardless of their economic situation and PIH gave a damn about Haiti LONG before the earthquake. I swear Paul Farmer was Valve’s inspiration for Gordon Freeman, regardless of being completely unlike each other in any way other than getting things done and all around awesomeness.

Competitor Profile: Flocons

Name: Flocons De Mais

Current Weight: 212 lbs

Goal: 199 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 188 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physicological or moral): Lactose intolerant.

Favourite food(s): Chicken, which is great because a lot of things tastes like it.

Least favourite healthy food: Seafood in general

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be?: Swiss Chalet sauce

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None. I'm sure if there was food in my mouth while I was sleeping, it would be gone by the time I woke up.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: I have a recurring dream about Dick Cheney covered in gravy.

Exercise strategy: Random triathlon activities: Swimming, biking, and running... but not necessarily all together.

Thinspiration celebrity: Kirby (both a cannibal and a bulimic)

Favourite workout music: Misirlou aka "the Pulp Fiction song".

Weighty sob story: I ripped my pants while sitting down at my friends wedding.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: A basketball player, like Kobe Bryant. They are tall and meaty. Also, I could say that I've eaten Kobe beef.

Charitable beneficiary: Doctors Without Borders - because we should not hog all the healthcare due to our obesity.

Competitor Profile: celestialspeedster

Name: celestialspeedster

Current Weight: 129 lbs

Goal: 120 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 117 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physicological or moral): None. Catholicism has no dietary restrictions; not even cannibalism.

Favourite food(s): Asian - variations on oil and MSG

Least favourite healthy food: Garden salad

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be?: Soy chicken

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: If gum counts as food, once.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: One - the Green Giant cooking up a vegetable stir fry just for me (indeterminate cannibalism)

Exercise strategy: Running after over-achieving graduate students while shaking my fists - a full body workout.

Thinspiration celebrity: Spartacus (gawk at above)

Favourite workout music: "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent

Weighty sob story: I could not stop stuffing pad thai and mangoes into my cake hole in Thailand, even though the locals were all size zero.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: Taylor Lautner - youth equals soft but meaty flesh and high susceptibility to alternative lifestyles (cannibalism)

Charitable beneficiary: Second Harvest - because no one need ever go hungry, except for me.