Epilogue...whatever...

Thinspiration XXL has died with a whimper instead of a vengeance. Or perhaps, it just ate too much and is now hibernating.

Here's the epilogue and some of it might even be true.

celestialspeedster continues to count calories and has started exercising on a regular basis. Hot yoga is her latest thing and she will continue to do it until winter goes away. Unfortunately, she has signed up for the Toronto Half-Marathon and will be forced to run in the cold at some point.

Doctor Cook continues to make questionable life choices like eating frosting for dinner. He will be moving to the West Coast in the new year where taking up snowboarding or taking up a drug habit are both equally plausible. Well, at least the competitors of Thinspiration XXL won't be legally liable for that one. Ha!

Flocons plans to sign up for the Toronto Half-Marathon, but, first, he must survive the avalanche of food to come in December. Unfortunately, his baking skills are in high demand nowadays, and every good baker must sample his own goods.

Opiate has bucked the trend by signing up for the Mississauga Half-Marathon, which happens at the same time as the Toronto Half-Marathon. It is a smart choice since Mayor Hazel McCallion will likely knight Opiate, bestowing upon him a ham and a condo right beside Square One, whereas Mayor Rob Ford will probably throw pork hocks at runners of the Toronto event from his penthouse condo.

Royal Pinguo will attempt to hold Flocons back from the December buffet. When she loses weight in the new year, it will be for herself, and not that cute Cuban guy she met during a recent vacation. No, not at all.

Thorn is still Batman.

The end...for now...

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Thorn

Current body measurements

Bust: 37.4"

Waist: 35.4"
Hips: 39"
Thighs: 23.2"
Upper arms: 13.4"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: None. I'm not doing it.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: I'm Batman! Swear to me! (Pika)

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!

• Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
• Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
• Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
• Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
• Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
• Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Skinny and stupid

With less than 24 hours before the final weigh-in, I figure that it is safe to reveal my strategy to win Thinspiration XXL on September 19.

One week before final weigh-in: eat All Bran and little more

I started making All Bran cereal a healthy start to my day in the hope of cleaning house. I have also avoided eating anything with an indeterminate calorie count to ensure that I consume less than 1300 calories each day. This has meant shunning restaurants, and most social activities. Dieters walk alone.

96 hours before final weigh-in: go for a run

While I have been commuting to work by bike practically every day (30 minutes each way), nothing burns calories like running. I went for a run for the first time in months, and I instantly lost pounds. Much of it was water weight, of course, but running succeeded where All Bran failed.

72 hours before final weigh-in: laxatives

Since cutting down my daily caloric intake (1117 is the record), my body has had trouble maintaining a normal temperature. My skin tells me that the air is comfortable and yet, my hands could double as a frosty mug. Walking briskly to bring my body temperature up has become a necessity, but more intense exercise like running has become dangerous. Taking laxatives allow for the evacuation of excess baggage in a safe, seated position.

24 hours before final weigh-in: cut out carbs and salt

A steady diet of protein appears to have resolved the body temperature issue, but a new problem has come up: I am losing my mind. I feel lightheaded, get tired from walking, and have become a cranky pants. Thorn has resorted to patting me on the back before putting me to bed and burying my plaintive whines under the duvet.

Hours before final weigh-in: cut out drinking and enter the sauna

I do not intend to drink any liquids prior to the weigh-in and I will take on another seated position strategy to weight loss: the sauna. Thorn will be present to take me to the final weigh-in, should I fail to carry myself there due to loss of consciousness.

Thinspiration XXL Finale on September 19

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Thinspiration XXL Final Weigh-in will take place on:

Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Musket (40 Advance Rd, Toronto, ON)

Prior to gorging on wiener schnitzel and pork hocks, we will determine who is the thinnest of us all. Prepare to be amazed!*

If you would like to attend, please RSVP to celestialspeedster.

*Not a guarantee of amazement; more like wishful thinking.

Thinspiration Update

The first week was quite successful. My competitors were at a disadvantage though due to the fact that my first weigh in was after binge eating in Chicago. However, I'll use whatever means necessary to win (or at the very least, not lose) this competition.

The next few pounds will be much harder to lose. I'm at my normal stable weight (not necessarily my optimal weight, just what I've weighed at for the past 5-7 years or so). I'll have to forgo the beef patties and pastries that I frequently consume from the coffee truck we have at work. Yes, my workplace is so remote from normal restaurants that we have a coffee truck that comes in every morning, lunchtime and afternoon during weekdays.

Unfortunately, I've developed a Pavlovian response to the chime of the coffee truck and instantly salivate when I hear it. I do not get hungry until 10:30am because that's when it usually comes and if I miss it my stomach grumbles "Why are you doing this to me???". I'll have to unlearn this conditioned response and it won't be easy but this is what I have to do to succeed and go below 172 lbs. I know this because during a recent trip outside of the country I lost weight because I didn't have access to the sweet, sweet coffee truck.

First Step: Stop eating from the coffee truck
Second Step: ???
Third Step: Profit! (Win Thinspiration XXL)

Competitor Profile: Thorn

Name: Thorn

Current Weight: 176

Goal: 163

Lowest Adult Weight: 155

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): I have no moral or religious dietary restriction. The more morally ambiguous the better. I have an aversion to ginger. The root and also the hair colour.

Favourite food(s): Instant noodles. I can eat mountains of the stuff. If I buy a full box it would be gone by the end of the week (there are usually more than 30 packages to a box). I think they put something in MSG that's akin to heroine.

Least favourite healthy food: Brown rice. I thought I'd like it. It is rice after all and I'm naturally attached to that amazing starch. However, the texture just kills it for me. It makes eating rice a chore when it should be a pleasure. I don't want to work when I eat.

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: See above re: instant noodles. Why wouldn't you want to eat your favourite food for the rest of your life? I guess the alternative would be strawberry icecream from Häagen-Dazs. This is what originally made me fat. I guess I loved it enough to ignore the fact that my waistline was expanding.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: The only time was wanting to re-enact the food scene with Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. I saw that when I was way too young to see those sorts of things.

Exercise strategy: To reduce the water weight in my body. If the body is 80% water, I suppose I can drop it down to 70% and still be alive. I figure that's enough to get me below my desired weight. Okay, so I'll be severely dehydrated but at least I'll still eat good food without the need to exercise.

Thinspiration celebrity: Gerard Butler in 300 and not Gerard Butler in 300 Pounds.

Favourite workout music: I tend not to workout with music but if I had to then it would be this one. Or random dance/pop music.

Weighty sob story: When my size large shirts started feeling a bit snug I knew I had to stop eating those quarts of Häagen-Dazs ice cream every few days. I was wearing big people clothes.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: One of the Two Fat Ladies. The living one. Imagine how marbled she must be. They cooked with lard their whole life, it's like eating Kobe Humans.

Charitable beneficiary: Habitat for Humanity, because everyone deserves a place to live. Even me. They didn't build my house though. Bastards.