Champion's Keys to Successful Weight Loss: Choose Your Own Adventure

Poutine: Images of this trick people into visiting a humorous weight loss blog.

Greetings faithful Thinspiration followers, or poutine lovers who have stumbled across us. My apologies, as I had intended to outline my winning strategies for successful weight loss much sooner following my victory in round 1 of Thinspiration; however, they shall be presented here today, and they shall be glorious.

Whatever people may say, weight loss is truly an adventure. Generally, it is a terrible one, spent running in terror from Ronald McDonald's blood red grimace; the Pillsbury Dough Boy's obscene demands that you touch his belly "just a little"; and a myriad other pushy mascots of the food industry. And even if you escape these pernicious pursuers, you need to avoid running too far or too fast or you may end up falling, exhausted, into the pit of anorexia, too weak to ever emerge.



To aid fellow weight loss enthusiasts in their journey, I present this "Choose your own adventure" to weight loss, infused with wisdom from our recent competition:

...

1. You find yourself standing in front of a scale. Your weight is 20 lbs heavier than you like. Your pants are a size too small for your stomach. And your self-esteem is a size too small for your otherwise sparkling personality. Do you:

A. Do nothing (go to 2)
B. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks (go to 3)
C. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 1 month (go to 4)
D. Decide to lose 20 lbs in 6 months (go to 5)

2. Your weight remains the same. What did you expect, stupid? Do you:

A. Do nothing (go back to 2)
B. Decide that you are fine the way you are (go to 6)
C. Decide to revise your strategy (go to 1)

3. You try to exercise every day and starve yourself. You end up feeling weak, terrible, exhausted and losing a total of 5 lbs. You decide you are incapable of significant weight loss, blame genetics, buy a tub of ice cream and gain the weight back, plus an additional 10 lbs. (The end)

4. You lose 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Then you get hungry. (go to 3)

5. You make a sensible, achievable, long term goal. Do you:

A. Nonetheless attempt massive short term hardcore weight loss (go to 7).
B. Decide to follow a diet (go to 8)
C. Decide to exercise (go to 9)

6. You buy new clothes that fit. Life is good. Though you realize you should probably exercise. Fortunately, Thinspiration XXL Part 2 can Thinspire you to health. (The end)

7. You decide to follow some of the exciting strategies of Thinspiration XXL for 1 week. Do you:

A. Follow the Master Mung Cleanse diet, coupled with prolonged anorexia (go to 10)
B. Follow the revised Special "K" diet (go to 11)
C. Severely limit your calorie intake (go to 12)
D. Take laxatives and use the sauna (go to 13)

8. You decide to follow a diet, determine your basal metabolic rate and decide on a calorie intake to allow for:

A. 1 lb of weight loss per week (go to 14)
B. 2 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 15)
C. 3 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 16)
D. 4 lbs of weight loss per week (go to 12)

9. You decide to exercise regularly. Do you:

A. Continue to eat as you normally do. (go to 14)
B. Eat more due to how much hungrier you are. (go to 2)
C. Follow a sensible diet in addition to exercising. (go to 15)
D. Follow a rigorous diet in addition to exercising. (go to 16)
E. Eat as little as possible and exercise concurrently. (go to 17)

10. You lose an insane amount of weight during the week, although you destroy your digestive system in the process. After a month of continued digestive problems, you book a doctor's appointment out of fear that you have developed colon cancer. But hey, at least you're thin, right? (The end; your body can't handle any more)

11. You fail to lose weight during the diet. Who would think that eating food with the letter K in it would lead to weight loss? That is just crazy. (go to 5)

12. You develop progressive weakness, fatigue, and an inability to concentrate. You lose weight, but at what cost? People begin to question whether you are okay behind your back. You feel you should continue to lose weight. You may be anorexic. Thankfully, you're too distracted by your sleek and contoured ribs to notice. (The end?)

13. You find yourself terribly dehydrated, which is particularly problematic since you feel the constant need to poo. You develop severe constipation, hemarrhoids, gas, and generally feel and smell awful. You also don't lose any weight, since it's trapped in your bowels. (The end)

14. You continue to lose weight. It happens slowly, but by 6 months, you have nearly met your goal. The gradual pace allows you to maintain a normal lifestyle, and miraculously, you have made changes to keep it off. You proceed to tell everyone about your success story. People feign interest, but are ultimately bored by your sensible demeanor. Fortunately, boring others pays off. After those insensitive jerks have fallen asleep during your story, you slip out on a pricey bill, saving 40 dollars. (The end)

15. You lose weight quickly, meeting your goal in about 3 months. It feels very difficult throughout, but achievable. You frequently fantasize about eating the lunch of friends and in your darkest hour, the friends themselves. Fortunately, you are thin and only slightly eccentric. Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. (The end)

16. You lose weight rapidly, meeting your goal in under 2 months. You are hungrier than you've ever been. You find yourself chewing on pillows, arms, and bits of leather to take your mind off it. People begin to refer to you as that "attractive but very very crazy person who works down the hall". Someone gives you 40 dollars for being attractive. Someone else gives you a restraining order. (The end)

17. During a particularly long run in the forest, your legs give out. You just don't have the fuel to continue. Foolishly, you decided not to bring money, a cell phone, or any means of getting back home. You stumble and crawl through the forest, eventually coming across a crazy artist, building inukshuks in the middle of a clearing. Do you:

A. Ask the artist if he will share the insects he is eating and if he will allow you the use of his Toronto Sun newspapers to sleep on. (go to 18)
B. Challenge the artist to a duel, with the winner getting to eat the loser. (go to 19)
C. Start building inukshuks with him. (go to 20)
D. Stumble away, hoping to find another option. (go to 21)

18. You wake up covered in spit and urine, none of which is yours. You bid the artist farewell, and stumble home, vowing never to repeat this experience again. (go to 22)

19. The artist easily overpowers you. He hits you over the head. You fall helplessly to the ground. You wake as the base of an inukshuk, with large stones piled on top of you. The artist begins to gnaw on your wrist. Exercise seems to have been a poor choice. (go to 22)

20. The artist appreciates your help. He speaks warm and friendly gibberish to you, stroking his filthy beard as he does so. You share a meal of insects and a strange paste. Amidst the gibberish he is spouting, you recognize the words "lonely" and "rohypnol". You slowly lose consciousness to the sight of his toothless grin drawing near. (go to 22)

21. The artist follows you, and attacks you in the forest. He seems to be hunting you with a plunger lined with steak knives. You trip over a root, hit your head on a rock, and lose consciousness. (go to 22)

22. You wake to find yourself in a classroom, without any pants on. You scream and then awaken again, in your bed, with your wrist in your mouth and a feeling of extreme hunger. You realize that this was all a hallucination. Yes, you are in that bad of shape. Strangely, you have a small model inukshuk in your pocket that you can't explain. (The end)

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured

Skinny and stupid

With less than 24 hours before the final weigh-in, I figure that it is safe to reveal my strategy to win Thinspiration XXL on September 19.

One week before final weigh-in: eat All Bran and little more

I started making All Bran cereal a healthy start to my day in the hope of cleaning house. I have also avoided eating anything with an indeterminate calorie count to ensure that I consume less than 1300 calories each day. This has meant shunning restaurants, and most social activities. Dieters walk alone.

96 hours before final weigh-in: go for a run

While I have been commuting to work by bike practically every day (30 minutes each way), nothing burns calories like running. I went for a run for the first time in months, and I instantly lost pounds. Much of it was water weight, of course, but running succeeded where All Bran failed.

72 hours before final weigh-in: laxatives

Since cutting down my daily caloric intake (1117 is the record), my body has had trouble maintaining a normal temperature. My skin tells me that the air is comfortable and yet, my hands could double as a frosty mug. Walking briskly to bring my body temperature up has become a necessity, but more intense exercise like running has become dangerous. Taking laxatives allow for the evacuation of excess baggage in a safe, seated position.

24 hours before final weigh-in: cut out carbs and salt

A steady diet of protein appears to have resolved the body temperature issue, but a new problem has come up: I am losing my mind. I feel lightheaded, get tired from walking, and have become a cranky pants. Thorn has resorted to patting me on the back before putting me to bed and burying my plaintive whines under the duvet.

Hours before final weigh-in: cut out drinking and enter the sauna

I do not intend to drink any liquids prior to the weigh-in and I will take on another seated position strategy to weight loss: the sauna. Thorn will be present to take me to the final weigh-in, should I fail to carry myself there due to loss of consciousness.

You've been struck by a Smoothie Criminal

There was a time when breakfast was a fried egg sandwich or scrambled eggs and pork sausages. If I was in a rush, I would pick up a Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich or an Egg McMuffin. If I was really in a rush, I would skip breakfast entirely.

Those days are no more. I've started making smoothies this week. It's the lazy man's way to pack fruits and vegetables into your meal. The jolt of fruits and veggies is a good boost at the beginning of my day. Royal Pinguo also likes it.

DIY breakfast smoothies are awesome because it ups your fruit/vegetable intake and displaces the greasy and/or caffeinated junk that people normally have for breakfast. You get to choose what goes into the smoothie too! This morning we had an apple-kiwi smoothie which was pretty awesome. I threw it together since we ran out of oranges last night.

Now the sign of a healthy smoothie depends on your fruit to vegetable ratio. More vegetables are better. Currently my smoothies are 90% fruit, but I'm working on introducing more vegetables to the mix gradually. The extra fiber is also handy for reasons I won't mention...

P.S: Thinspiration XXL Finale on Sunday! Join us live at the Musket for the Thinspiration XXL after-party. More debauchery than a TIFF after-party, I guarantee you!

The Final Leg: The (Obese) Tortoise and the (Thin) Hare

The obese tortoise slowly waddles past the sleek hare, whose utter contempt for his competition leads to his ultimate defeat. The intended moral is that "slow and steady wins the race". This is ludicrous. Fast and steady wins the race. EVERY TIME! The real moral is, when competing with a loser, pick the slowest one so that you can sleep as long as possible.

And that, my friends, is what I have done.

For the final leg of this competition, now that I am clearly in the lead, I will realize my "inner hare" and watch languidly as my obese tortoise competitors struggle futilely to catch up.

My plan for the final days of this competition are, thus, as follows: eat whatever I like, drink liberally, exercise rarely if ever, and sleep an hour longer than usual. Through this, I hope to prove that arrogance and bitchiness are an integral and necessary component of victory, and that obese tortoises only pass sleek and thin hares in fairy tales, and not in weight loss competitions.

In all seriousness, I'm thin enough to fit another person into my clothes along with me, and I don't want to lose any more weight. I have nothing but respect for my competitors, who were stuffing their faces with ribs (weight gain) while I reacquainted myself with my bathroom and the wonderful world of fiber (weight loss).

Master Mung Cleanse: By the Numbers

Like most things in life, putting numbers into a graphical form makes them better. Hey! Stop! Come back here! Really, it's true. And it's interesting. Check it out.

Calories consumed during the kichadi fast compared to calories burned due to basal metabolism.

As you can see, the kichadi fast was very effective in moderating my food intake, restricting my caloric intake to what is probably dangerous levels. From these numbers, I would have burned ~8800 calories more than I consumed during that week. This equates to approximately 2.5 lbs.

And yet, no weight loss? Or rather, only 0.5 lb of weight loss?

This leads to the question, is there an explanation for this discrepancy, or I am just full of shit? To answer this, I turn to the awesome power of graphs.

Excitement level and death wish with progression of the kichadi fast. Additionally, days since the last bowel movement (BM) are indicated.

There are a few major conclusions to be drawn from this graph. First, I do not like kichadi and mung. I do not like them, Sam-I-Sung. Second, over time I recognized that the pain of starvation was far preferable to the pain of eating kichadi. And thirdly, kichadi, as prepared, most definitely did not lead to more frequent pooing. As you can see, by the end of the competition, it had been 4 days since my last deposit.

In actuality, it turns out that the answer to the question posed above is both: there is an explanation, that being I *was* full of shit!

As such, any failure to lose weight can be attributed to this side-effect, and potentially to differences in water weight between our infrequent weight measurements.

Kichadi works. Believe in kichadi. You will lose weight. But you will also cry. Trust me. :(

On an important note, I would like to thank the Story Master for her support through this past week of pain. The kichadi fast had many upsides, including a great test of willpower, and a chance to examine my food-related desires in a more critical way.

I would even recommend it as a viable diet option for those with strong willpower and a large surplus of tissue paper (for crying, not pooing, obviously!).

...

Random boring (non-graphical) numbers:

Calories per cup of basmati rice (pre-cooking volumes): 600
Calories per cup of mung beans: 220
Calories per tablespoon of olive oil: 130
My basal metabolic rate: 2200 calories/day

Master Mung Cleanse: Mung Out to Dry, Day 7

Day 7: Tuesday

So long, kichadi!

Comments: The final day of kichadi. I started the day with a bland and flavorless meal of kichadi, forcing myself to stomach a whole meal in one sitting. I weighed in. And then I almost immediately began stuffing my face with cookies. Dinner was healthier, but decidedly delicious.

My goals: 1) To poo. I failed. Again. 2) To use the spices in kichadi to make something tasty, but not so rich that my poor digestive system will make me regret it for days.

Food choice: (Before weigh-in) Kichadi. (After weigh-in) Cookies; potato curry (recipe below); cheddar garden salad.

Total kichadi prepared: 1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.5 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse (minus maple syrup).

General feelings about life post kichadi meal: Jubilant. This is almost over!

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Mild dizziness; dehydration; failure to poo

Days without pooing: 4

Food related dreams or fantasies: Not eating kichadi was the only dream I entertained, and it came true.

Occurrences of note: Still no bowel movements. After 4 days!

Weight before kichadi diet: 166.4 lbs
Weight after kichadi diet: 165.9 lbs

Conclusions (more to follow in a subsequent post): The diet appears not to have been very successful on a numerical level. However, the constipation endured as part of the kichadi fast likely factors into this equation. Anecdotally, numerous individuals with no ties to one another have informed me that I look like I've lost a noticeable amount of weight in the last few days. Stay tuned for the next weigh-in!

....

"Kichadi recovery" Potato curry (very mild):
Makes 4 servings
Calories/serving: ~550

Ingredients:

- 2 tbsp cumin
- 2 tbsp tumeric
- 2 tbsp ground coriander
- 1 tbsp mustard seeds
- 4 tbsp olive oil (tastier alternative: ghee)
- 1 jalapeno, finely diced (alternative: 1 tbsp cayenne)
- 6 medium sized white potatoes, peeled and cut into strips or cubes ~0.5 inch thick
- 3 cups water (tastier alternative: vegetable stock)
- 1 cup coconut milk (healthier alternative: low fat plain yogurt)
- 2 cups frozen peas
- salt to taste

Preparation:

Saute dry spices and jalapeno on medium heat in oil until spices brown (~1-2 minutes).
Add potatoes and mix thoroughly to cover with spices.
Cook ~10 minutes with frequent mixing.
Add water and simmer over low-medium heat until potatoes are soft (~30 minutes).
Add peas and coconut milk and heat until cooked (~5 minutes).

*Adapted from similar recipe listed on Allrecipes.com.

Master Mung Cleanse: Mung and dung, Day 6

Day 6: Tuesday


Comments: The second last day of kichadi. I feel terrible. The kichadi of the day is slightly too old. It is starting to smell. This should deter me from eating it for lunch. Yet it doesn't. Slightly expired kichadi has a unique flavor that I find myself unable to resist. That and I'm starving. At dinner, it is too expired, and I refrain from eating.

My goal: To poo. I failed.

Food choice: Day old microwaved kichadi, with mung beans. Slightly expired by lunch. Very expired by dinner.

Total old slightly expired kichadi remaining: ~1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.5 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 50%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Indian Spice herbal tea, Master Cleanse scares me today.

General feelings about life post meals: Optimistic. It will be over soon.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 4 (lunch); 0 (dinner)

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 6 (lunch); 10 (dinner)

Side-effects of meal: Mild headache; terrible digestive issues; failure to poo

Days without pooing: 3

Food related dreams or fantasies: Continued perusal of the internet for delicious recipes. I crave indian food, though indian food that is delicious. Potato curry may be prepared on Wednesday, for consumption at 12:01am Thursday. Otherwise, nothing too unusual.

Occurrences of note: Still no bowel movements. However, I woke numerous times in the night feeling like "this was the time". It was always a lie.

Lessons to children: 1) Refridgerate food overnight. 2) Kichadi fasts are for grown-ups. 3) Cigarettes may be smooth and delicious and make you feel super cool, but wait until you're at least 14 to sneak behind the school and smoke one that you found on your brothers desk between you and 8 friends.

Master Mung Cleanse: Enter the Mungon, Days 3-5

Day 3: Saturday

Comments: My third day of kichadi. My last day without mung beans. I am excited for mung beans.

My goal: Just one more day!

Food choice: Fresh kichadi

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements).

Total Kichadi eaten: 75%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water

General feelings about life post meals: Optimistic that tomorrow will be better.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 3

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 5

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; poor digestion

Food related dreams or fantasies: Stared longingly at raw spaghetti. Picked up a piece and held it, wishing I could eat it, as is, knowing it to be far more delicious than kichadi.

Occurrences of note: Party at the house with wine, chips, and appetizers. I partook in none of these.

Day 4: Sunday

Kichadi fantasies

Comments: My first day of mung beans! My excitement was misplaced. Spent the afternoon with Thorn, celestialspeedster, and an outside observer, Jon.

My goal: Not to pass out.

Food choice: Day old kichadi, fried with mung beans.

Total Kichadi prepared: ~0.5 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.25 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse in sparkling water (minus cayenne and maple syrup)

General feelings about life post meals: Depressed and fearful.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Food related dreams or fantasies: Cannibalism. Or at least theft of the food of my competitors. If their hands were eaten as well, that would be okay.

Occurrences of note: Became so tired and dizzy that I needed to go home to eat more kichadi. By the time I got home, the idea of kichadi was so repugnant that I abstained from eating more.

Day 5: Monday
Comments: More than halfway through this diet and I feel awful!

My goal: I'm too tired for goals.

Food choice: Fresh kichadi, with mung beans

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 1 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 50%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Indian Spice herbal tea

General feelings about life post meals: Moderately depressed.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 2

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 7

Side-effects of meal: Fatigue; mild headache; dizziness; inability to poo

Days without pooing: 2

Food related dreams or fantasies: Tempted by enticing smell at work. Commented on how delicious it smelled. It was yeast extract, which normally turns my stomach. Again eyed raw spaghetti longingly.

Occurrences of note: Nothing of note. Inability to poo is becoming slightly worrying. This seems to counter predictions of kichadi.

Master Mung Cleanse: Food & feelings, Day 1

Day 0: Wednesday night


Comments: My last meal before kichadi.

My goal: To indulge.

Food choice: Vegetarian burger with fries from a nearby Firkin pub.

Beverage choice: Pint of Richards White, with a slice of orange.
Second beverage choice: Pint of Richards White, also with a slice of orange.
...
Sixth beverage choice: Oh, you get the point.

General feelings about life post meal: Overwhelmingly happy.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 10

Side-effects of meal: Slurred speech, slight nausea, poor decision making ability, and terrible headache 8 hrs later.

Food related dreams or fantasies: Dreams of hamburgers. Again. Seriously.

Occurrences of note: Fueled by non-kichadi, I found the energy to sing in public and harrass strangers for hours.

Day 1: Thursday


Comments: My first day of kichadi. It smelled delicious. Smells can be deceiving.

My goal: To destroy the Thinspiration competition.

Food choice: Kichadi. Kichadi. And more kichadi. That is all.

Total Kichadi prepared: ~2 cups of rice (pre-cooking measurements).
Total Kichadi eaten: ~75% of prepared amount.

Beverage choices: 1 glass of Master Cleanse, minus the maple syrup; many glasses of water.

General feelings about life post meals: It could always be worse.

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 3
Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 4

Side-effects of meal: Headache (see day 0), more frequent pooing and spitting, more keen senses, particularly as relates to how delicious other people's food must be, loss of overall appetite.

Food related dreams or fantasies: Strong desire to go for a run, if only so that I can lick the sweat off my arm while I eat, thus seasoning the terribly bland kichadi. Additionally, impulse to drop kichadi on the ground and eat it, hoping that the ground will have more flavour than kichadi.

Occurrences of note: Roommates offered me fried chicken in the morning. Friends offered me ice cream cake in the afternoon. I cried on the inside.

Challenge #2 diet strategy: Master Mung Cleanse

Diet plan of choice: Combination of Master Cleanse (lemon water) and an Ayurvedic diet consisting solely of Kichadi (basmati rice, mung beans, spices)

Allowed solid food:

Kichadi:

• 2 cups basmati rice
• 1 cup split mung (beans called mung dal in Indian grocery stores)*
• 8-12 cups water, depending on how liquid you want the kichadi
• 2 Tbsp. ghee (clarified butter) OR olive or sunflower oil
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 scant tsp. ground coriander seeds
• ½ tsp. turmeric powder
• 3-5 whole cardamom pods
• 1-2 tsp. powdered ginger
• A pinch of sea salt or kelp

*Mung omitted for the first 3 days

Allowed liquids: Water, herbal (caffeine free) tea, or lemon water

Master Cleanse lemon water:

• glass of water
• half a lemon
• pinch of cayenne
• [omitted] 2 tbsp Maple syrup

General instructions: You can eat or drink what you want, when you want, of the above food and liquids. However, no other food or drink is allowed. No alcohol. No caffeine.

Rationale behind challenge strategy: Eat food that encourages pooing and drink liquid that encourages vomiting. Both food and liquid are reportedly bland, or unpleasant, thereby encouraging anorexia. It's the perfect trifecta of weight-loss.

Feared potential side-effects: Fatigue, terrible caffeine headaches, vomiting, begging friends for a lunch-time "trade-sie", uncontrollable crying, and uncontrollable pooing(?).

...

As scary as this may be, however, I remind myself how much worse it could be. I could be the middle or the tail end of the human centipede. This movie may suit bulimics due to its propensity to induce vomiting.

Mind over fatter

I've been thinking of strategies on how to lose weight, when I have failed so many times before. After some soul searching, I've found some answers. Why did I fail to lose weight in the past?

• The belief that exercise alone could compensate for terrible eating habits.
• The belief that shoot-from-the-hip zeal could compensate for lack of a structure or plan.

With this in mind, I've decided to implement some structure in the weeks ahead. In fact, there have been a lot of health initiatives that I've been putting on the back-burner until now. My weight loss strategy is a 3-pronged plan of attack.

Exercise: A few months ago, I started doing P90x for a few weeks. It provided awesome results, but I fell off the wagon during week 6. Despite this, it was the most structured and intense workout that I've ever done. I'm re-starting the program for Thinspiration XXL. I'm also encouraging Royal Pinguo to participate with me. We all live busy lives, but exercise will improve your energy levels and quality of life. I'm also going to make the time to get my exercise in.

Eating: This has always been my Achilles heel. It's no secret that I love to eat. Over the past week, I've asked people who have succeeded in weight loss. The advice that really hit home was this: "It's a lot easier to say no to that slice of cake than to go jogging for an hour." I've been fooling myself into believing that exercise could actually counter eating. It's not true. With this in mind, I'm starting to count my calories on this website: caloriecount.about.com Let's be clear, the results are not good, but it will help guide me to better eating in the weeks ahead. I encourage my other competitors to use this service as well. It even keeps track of calories burned during exercise.

Pooing: Royal Pinguo has been encouraging me to use detox supplement pills. We bought them on sale a few weeks ago, but I've been reluctant to use them. Well, I've started using them. It's called FirstCleanse, and it's designed for first-timers like me. I might add fiber pills into the mix too. I started on Monday, and I have to say that my poo is a force of nature now. Thank you FirstCleanse.

That's my strategy for Thinspiration XXL. It's no secret that I am the heaviest competitor. I plan on closing the gap in the coming weeks.