Friday, September 24, 2010

Protein Binge of Fire - Field Testing My Cast Iron Stomach

I thawed some ground beef out, so of course had to do something with it. Also always desiring an excuse to not cook for a while.

The answer:

A HUGE POT OF CHILI

I have no idea how to make chili in any traditional sense. A friend asked me what my recipe was... My response: "recipe?"

Recipe's mean planning and initiating a said plan with proper supplies. I just sort of throw a bunch of stuff into a pot as I found them in my kitchen.

From what I understand chili at it's core needs tomatoes, chili powder and some form of huge protein binge (meat or beans and for me it's both). Pretty much anything else is optional depending on tastes. I could have looked up some recipes online easy enough, but where's the fun in that? I likely wouldn't have half the ingredients on hand anyway.

My grandmother used to put chopped apples in her chili, was actually a neat mix you wouldn't expect to work but did. I have apples, but refrained. It's a difficult balance.

Definitions:

"not small pinch"
: a fairly large amount, probably a tablespoon or two but varies. I generally just pour it on until I think it's just the right amount of too much.

"Buttload": Exactly as it sounds. Don't ask me what measured amount qualifies a "buttload". A lot more than a not small pinch.


I tend to overdo things a bit as a matter of course.

All in all I'm happy with the results, a spoonful has a decent flavour and near-intolerable spice burn that keeps me coming back for more. It's far better than I was expecting for a mishmash of random things and no proper measurements.

The recipe as best as I can recall:
  • 1 cucumber diced
  • 1 lb lean ground beef
  • 1 can low sodium mixed beans
  • 1 cup dried, soaked then boiled chick peas
  • 3 mason jars of home made tomato juice (my last 3, *sniff*)
  • 1/2 a bulb garlic, crushed and diced
  • 1/2 a red onion, diced
  • a buttload of chili powder
  • 3 fresh vine tomatoes diced (all I had in the fridge, normally use more)
  • a not small pinch of Italian seasoning (oregano, sage, basil and whatnot, picked up from Fresh From the Farm, it's a yummy mix)
  • 2 dried Korean chilies crushed (tiny but these critters can stop a rabid charging bull at 100 yards)
  • a not small pinch of a salsa spice mix I have, loads of flavour and kick
  • 3 small branches worth of fresh rosemary
  • half a small bottle of pickled sliced jalapenos, a lot, didn't count
  • ~12 small pickled green chillies diced (seriously tiny and spicy, a big one might only be 2 inches long, it was the last of the jar so I tossed it all in)
  • 1/2 cup of brown rice

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory


FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!


  • Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
  • Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
  • Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
  • Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
  • Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
  • Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Post-banquet weigh-in


CompetitorCurrent Weight
Tally
Total
celestialspeedster120 lbs+ 3 lbs- 9 lbs ( - 7.0%)
Doctor Cook
158.5 lbs+ 2.5 lbs
- 21.5 lbs ( - 11.9%)
Flocons
208 lbs
+ 5 lbs
- 4 lbs ( - 1.9%)
Opiate176 lbs+ 6 lbs- 7 lbs ( - 3.8%)
Royal Pinguo
138 lbs- 0 lb- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn169 lbs
+ 3 lbs
- 7 lbs ( - 4.0%)

FINAL WEIGH-IN!!!


CompetitorCurrent Weight
Tally
Total
celestialspeedster117 lbs- 4 lbs- 12 lbs ( - 9.3%)
Doctor Cook
156 lbs- 10 lbs
- 24 lbs ( - 13.3%)
Flocons
203 lbs
- 0 lb
- 9 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Opiate170 lbs- 8 lbs- 13 lbs ( - 7.1%)
Royal Pinguo
138 lbs- 0 lb- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn166 lbs
- 2 lb
- 10 lbs ( - 5.7%)

Survey results: The winner of Thinspiration XXL will be...

  • celestialspeedster - 3 votes (37%)
  • Doctor Cook - 3 votes (37%)
  • Flocons - 2 votes (25%)
  • Opiate - 0 vote (0%)
  • Royal Pinguo - 0 vote (0%)
  • Thorn - 0 vote (0%)

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured