Accidental Bulimia

No pictures for you. None. I am too sick. There may be a picture on my screen: my own vomit. But no one wants to see that.

Is it something I ate? Or didn't eat? Or am I ill?

Whatever the case, my digestive tract is undergoing some ethnic cleansing of my appetite. And I have never been thinner! Well, of late, anyway.

Typical meal plan of the day:

Coffee and a muffin
Coffee
Coffee
Dinner of some sort
Fiber supplement

Typical night:

1-2 am - Attempt to sleep
4-6 am - Wake up to a dance recital in my digestive tract
6-8 am - Go back to sleep
9 am-10 am - Wake up feeling atrocious, but thin

Kill me now!

Challenge #2 diet strategy: Master Mung Cleanse

Diet plan of choice: Combination of Master Cleanse (lemon water) and an Ayurvedic diet consisting solely of Kichadi (basmati rice, mung beans, spices)

Allowed solid food:

Kichadi:

• 2 cups basmati rice
• 1 cup split mung (beans called mung dal in Indian grocery stores)*
• 8-12 cups water, depending on how liquid you want the kichadi
• 2 Tbsp. ghee (clarified butter) OR olive or sunflower oil
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 scant tsp. ground coriander seeds
• ½ tsp. turmeric powder
• 3-5 whole cardamom pods
• 1-2 tsp. powdered ginger
• A pinch of sea salt or kelp

*Mung omitted for the first 3 days

Allowed liquids: Water, herbal (caffeine free) tea, or lemon water

Master Cleanse lemon water:

• glass of water
• half a lemon
• pinch of cayenne
• [omitted] 2 tbsp Maple syrup

General instructions: You can eat or drink what you want, when you want, of the above food and liquids. However, no other food or drink is allowed. No alcohol. No caffeine.

Rationale behind challenge strategy: Eat food that encourages pooing and drink liquid that encourages vomiting. Both food and liquid are reportedly bland, or unpleasant, thereby encouraging anorexia. It's the perfect trifecta of weight-loss.

Feared potential side-effects: Fatigue, terrible caffeine headaches, vomiting, begging friends for a lunch-time "trade-sie", uncontrollable crying, and uncontrollable pooing(?).

...

As scary as this may be, however, I remind myself how much worse it could be. I could be the middle or the tail end of the human centipede. This movie may suit bulimics due to its propensity to induce vomiting.

"Mmm, that was delicious. Now excuse me. I need to go to... the bathroom... for a minute..."

As this competition has progressed, it has been interesting to note the eating disorders some of our competitors have developed. I believe celestialspeedster, for one, is well on her way to anorexia. Surprisingly though, we have no bulimics, unless they vomit in secret (Flocons?). Disturbingly, this disappoints me. I would really like to see the full range of eating disorders develop during this competition. I believe it would be informative to human society or something...

However, the idea of bulimia is not totally gone from my mind. Just yesterday I went for all-you-can-eat sushi, and I considered vomiting afterwards. It was a passing thought, and one that I didn't seriously entertain, but I did think of it. The same thought occurred to me at 5am this morning, after eating some delicious lasagna.


Out of curiousity, I decided to take a couple of different eating disorder assessments with the competitive spirit of Thinspiration XXL in mind. Here are my results:

20 question quiz
Your score is 55. You are at a medium risk of developing an eating disorder. You should seek medical advice and/or professional counselling for a more reliable assessment.

50 question quiz
Your score: 72%
65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.

Worry not though, friends, as if this competition were over, my score would be back in the normal range. I checked.

I challenge my fellow competitors to assess whether they are determined enough to win this competition to develop an eating disorder. Take the quiz!

Another important quiz
My score: 69%

I am not left-handed.

It is said that when it comes to weight-loss... your greatest opponent is yourself. Whoever said that would find Thinspiration XXL inconceivable. The truth is, I have 6 opponents. My wife who is steadily losing a pound a week... My 3 best friends, who have been catching up to me... My arch-nemesis (and unquestionably my best friend as well) who has been pulling away into the lead... Finally, myself who has been throwing up obstacles to better weight loss.

Well enough is enough. I've held back long enough. I've achieved my results to date from healthy eating alone. In the coming weeks, I'm taking the gloves off. I'm finally throwing exercise into the equation. I may also induce myself to vomit Kirby-style. You have been warned.

"My name is Flocons De Mais. You killed my weight loss. Prepare to lose."

Challenge #1: Burn to Binge

After four weeks of due diligence, the competitors will put all of their hard work on the line, this weekend, in the first Thinspiration XXL challenge event, Burn to Binge.

Competitors will "enjoy" a meal at one of the burger joints listed in the Toronto Star article. The two hours prior to the meal will be allotted to fortification against the onslaught of fat to come. It will be up to each competitor to strategize and execute a defensive offence or offensive defence. Weight, and possibly blood pressure, will be recorded before and after the meal.

We invite spectators and possible sponsors to cheer or jeer. Sponsors, inspect the competitors as you would inspect a gladiator, or a race horse, or a carnival sideshow.

To avoid reprisals from outraged citizens, we will reveal the event details to interested individuals on request.

Competitor Profile: Flocons

Name: Flocons De Mais

Current Weight: 212 lbs

Goal: 199 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 188 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physicological or moral): Lactose intolerant.

Favourite food(s): Chicken, which is great because a lot of things tastes like it.

Least favourite healthy food: Seafood in general

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be?: Swiss Chalet sauce

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None. I'm sure if there was food in my mouth while I was sleeping, it would be gone by the time I woke up.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: I have a recurring dream about Dick Cheney covered in gravy.

Exercise strategy: Random triathlon activities: Swimming, biking, and running... but not necessarily all together.

Thinspiration celebrity: Kirby (both a cannibal and a bulimic)

Favourite workout music: Misirlou aka "the Pulp Fiction song".

Weighty sob story: I ripped my pants while sitting down at my friends wedding.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: A basketball player, like Kobe Bryant. They are tall and meaty. Also, I could say that I've eaten Kobe beef.

Charitable beneficiary: Doctors Without Borders - because we should not hog all the healthcare due to our obesity.