A good diet in theory

Just replace Jimmy Kimmel with a lunch container et voila!

I Blame My Boots!

I don't have a pre-holiday weigh-in, in early December with my birthday, Christmas and New Years binges all incoming, I ran in fear from the scale.

Last weigh-in on January 10: 187 lbs.

I solely blame this on the fact I was wearing my steel toed work boots, that should account for at LEAST 25lbs I swear.

I am rationalizing here but at this time last year was almost precisely when I was kissing the Clydesdale mark at a nearby 197. So maybe it's not so bad. The fact that my pants are tight and my shirts are loose gives me reason to believe that it may indeed be that bad.

I look in the mirror and I remember there being shoulders in there somewhere.

At work there is now a gym, I am going to go join it, use it and actually, maybe for once use my new sewing kit acquired during Christmas to put buttons back on pants that last year's me had popped off.

A week of hell

For the month of December, I let myself go. I ate whatever I wanted (usually not healthy) and didn't really exercise. In the end, I got sick and felt bloated. It was not worth it.

My new year's resolution is to get back to being healthy...Thinspiration XXL healthy, that is. Since January 1, I've reduced my daily caloric intake to 1500 calories or less with the help of a calorie count application on my cell phone. I have also resumed hot yoga and running.

I must admit that the first few days of drastic stomach shrinking was psychologically and physically uncomfortable. But, now I feel better. No, really. I have lost 2 pounds already.

If I were to inflict my methods on the other competitors, I wonder what would happen? Science research requires volunteers. Anyone? Anyone?

Catwoman Competition results: inconclusive

At the finale of the Catwoman Competition, body measurements were quickly forgotten as competitors gorged on homemade baked goods by Flocons, and a sushi party tray. The competitors were then distracted by the need to show off their costumes to unwilling spectators, like friend and non-follower of Thinspiration XXL, Senan. Fortunately, Senan's child was already safely ensconced in bed, and did not have her Halloween ruined by six creepy adults.

After sorely testing the hospitality of Senan, the competitors returned to the home of Flocons and Royal Pinguo to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii, with the body parts of Jon Levy distributed to the winner of each round. This will be news to Jon Levy, who assumes that cannibalism is simply a topic of debate, rather than a real personal concern.

Frankly, no one looked good in a catsuit, even prior to the binge eating that has become status quo at Thinspiration XXL events. Hence, the 'Catwoman' competition will continue and conclude on Beautiful Day: November 20.

Save the date by marking it on your calendars (especially you, Jon Levy, you tasty, tasty morsel).

Between a rock and a fat place...

Firstly we all know Speedster is the only one who will do the catwoman suit justice, being female and all. Seeing as the rest of us are male we are doomed to failure but try we must.

So I've finally made my donation of $20.80 to Partners in Health as decreed by the First Chapter of TXXL and rounded it up to a more substantial amount as promised in one of my earliest posts.

In doing so, it dawns on me in introspection how quickly I have not only reverted but lost ground on my pre-competition form.

Immediately after the finale and all other summer events wrapped up, I pretty much came to a sit-still. Thanksgiving was awesome, but did not help there especially when bundled together with 2 birthdays and a wedding. Much cheer, much food, much sloth.

My measurements are not flattering.

So it all begins anew and I throw an/old new friend into the mix. Sunday if I make it out of town to see the sibs again....Indoor Rock Climbing !!! Finally, after a significant hiatus my climbing gear will be dusted off (pun yes I am aware) and finally put to use once more. My 9yo nephew who weighs nothing will leave me in his dust not having gravity to tire him out.

My arms have been feeling spindly, my legs, not so strong. This should add to the rectification of slothiness or at least justify it.

Climbing regularly strengthens and stretches EVERYTHING and should tone me up towards that catwoman suit nicely. Though I'll pass on the heels.

I just hope my gut doesn't block my step.

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 11

No weigh-in today because the Final Weigh-in takes place this Sunday.

We will have the opportunity to force Doctor Cook to weigh in. He might still be 166 lbs right now. We don't know.

Can readers suggest an appropriate penalty for Doctor Cook's shoddy participation?

In weight loss news

• A new study finds that success, and not looks, makes heterosexual women feel inferior, "triggering an urge in heterosexual women and gay men to eat less and try to become thinner."
  

"The opposite was true for heterosexual man and gay women. They showed no change in their eating habits when exposed to stories of competitive, high-status men and women."

• A nutrition expert has lost weight on a controlled diet of junk food and plain vegetables. For three weeks, Mark Haub's diet has included Little Debbie Pecan Spin Wheels for breakfast, Hostess Twinkies for lunch, birthday cake for supper and Doritos for dessert.

• Weight loss is a summer past time. Since Fall's arrival, I feel cold, almost all of the time. Now, I know why cold climate cuisine usually consists of hearty stews and alcohol.
  

The Final Leg: The (Obese) Tortoise and the (Thin) Hare

The obese tortoise slowly waddles past the sleek hare, whose utter contempt for his competition leads to his ultimate defeat. The intended moral is that "slow and steady wins the race". This is ludicrous. Fast and steady wins the race. EVERY TIME! The real moral is, when competing with a loser, pick the slowest one so that you can sleep as long as possible.

And that, my friends, is what I have done.

For the final leg of this competition, now that I am clearly in the lead, I will realize my "inner hare" and watch languidly as my obese tortoise competitors struggle futilely to catch up.

My plan for the final days of this competition are, thus, as follows: eat whatever I like, drink liberally, exercise rarely if ever, and sleep an hour longer than usual. Through this, I hope to prove that arrogance and bitchiness are an integral and necessary component of victory, and that obese tortoises only pass sleek and thin hares in fairy tales, and not in weight loss competitions.

In all seriousness, I'm thin enough to fit another person into my clothes along with me, and I don't want to lose any more weight. I have nothing but respect for my competitors, who were stuffing their faces with ribs (weight gain) while I reacquainted myself with my bathroom and the wonderful world of fiber (weight loss).

Is it really harder for women to lose weight?

Before

After

Yes, it is.

Master Mung Cleanse: Mung Out to Dry, Day 7

Day 7: Tuesday

So long, kichadi!

Comments: The final day of kichadi. I started the day with a bland and flavorless meal of kichadi, forcing myself to stomach a whole meal in one sitting. I weighed in. And then I almost immediately began stuffing my face with cookies. Dinner was healthier, but decidedly delicious.

My goals: 1) To poo. I failed. Again. 2) To use the spices in kichadi to make something tasty, but not so rich that my poor digestive system will make me regret it for days.

Food choice: (Before weigh-in) Kichadi. (After weigh-in) Cookies; potato curry (recipe below); cheddar garden salad.

Total kichadi prepared: 1 cup of rice (pre-cooking measurements); 0.5 cup of mung bean

Total Kichadi eaten: 100%

Beverage choices: Many glasses of water, Master Cleanse (minus maple syrup).

General feelings about life post kichadi meal: Jubilant. This is almost over!

Excitement level regarding eating kichadi (0-10; 0 = revolted, 10 = too much Botox): 1

Likelihood that I would rather starve than eat kichadi (0-10; 0 = never, 10 = kill me now): 8

Side-effects of meal: Mild dizziness; dehydration; failure to poo

Days without pooing: 4

Food related dreams or fantasies: Not eating kichadi was the only dream I entertained, and it came true.

Occurrences of note: Still no bowel movements. After 4 days!

Weight before kichadi diet: 166.4 lbs
Weight after kichadi diet: 165.9 lbs

Conclusions (more to follow in a subsequent post): The diet appears not to have been very successful on a numerical level. However, the constipation endured as part of the kichadi fast likely factors into this equation. Anecdotally, numerous individuals with no ties to one another have informed me that I look like I've lost a noticeable amount of weight in the last few days. Stay tuned for the next weigh-in!

....

"Kichadi recovery" Potato curry (very mild):
Makes 4 servings
Calories/serving: ~550

Ingredients:

- 2 tbsp cumin
- 2 tbsp tumeric
- 2 tbsp ground coriander
- 1 tbsp mustard seeds
- 4 tbsp olive oil (tastier alternative: ghee)
- 1 jalapeno, finely diced (alternative: 1 tbsp cayenne)
- 6 medium sized white potatoes, peeled and cut into strips or cubes ~0.5 inch thick
- 3 cups water (tastier alternative: vegetable stock)
- 1 cup coconut milk (healthier alternative: low fat plain yogurt)
- 2 cups frozen peas
- salt to taste

Preparation:

Saute dry spices and jalapeno on medium heat in oil until spices brown (~1-2 minutes).
Add potatoes and mix thoroughly to cover with spices.
Cook ~10 minutes with frequent mixing.
Add water and simmer over low-medium heat until potatoes are soft (~30 minutes).
Add peas and coconut milk and heat until cooked (~5 minutes).

*Adapted from similar recipe listed on Allrecipes.com.

Masters of the Veggieverse

Vegetarians, embodied by the crafty, but militant and evil Skeletor, are in a constant war with society's Carnivores and Omnivores, embodied by the heroic, but perhaps not so bright He-Man. No one has ever liked Skeletor, but wow-wee, look how thin he is!

Many a friend or acquaintance over the years has endeavored to convince me of the rightness of vegetarianism, and the cruelty of eating animals whose entire lives are spent living in atrocious conditions.

PETA anti-meat propaganda. Not for the light of heart or the full of stomach.

I question how true their conclusions are of the "factory farming" industry in general, but PETA certainly does a good job of pointing out the worst cases.

Strangely, after watching this, while I definitely acknowledge that the video is appalling, I still find myself craving a hamburger or some chicken wings. My love of eating animals is incredibly powerful. To insulate my meat obsession from any potential "crazy" moral decision, I have built up an armada of reasons and strategies to keep eating meat, ranging from the realistic to the absurd. Here are some of them:

1. Avoid the issues. Don't look too hard, or you might find out something unappetizing. I still have never watched Super Size Me, just in case it turns me off of McDonald's.

2. PETA is simply trying to move a political agenda. Vegans and vegetarians are clearly insane. I mean, they don't eat meat! They are also possibly unbalanced, likely due to insufficient meat in their diets. How can I trust this information? I could investigate other sources, but that would violate rule #1.

3. Chickens can't fly. If I eat their vestigial wings, I'm just relieving them of any foolish notions of even trying. It's true that they are probably killed in the process of extracting their wings, but... well, it's time for rule #1.

4. I don't even like chickens. If they could eat us, they would. Worst of all, they go for the eyes.

5. Plants are also alive. They are just so different than us that no one cares what happens to them. Vegetarians look at pigs and cows and are reminded of themselves. I feel no such kinship. If plants had faces and could make noises resembling speech, particularly sensitive vegetarians would starve.

6. Humans are not genetically designed to be vegetarian. It requires much more work to maintain a balanced diet. And I am lazy. I don't want to die of malnutrition. Therefore, logically, something needs to die.
Movie, or appetizer? *looks hungrily at Babe

7. I will become a pariah among my friends if I stop eating meat. You don't win friends with salad, afterall. Not to mention, I will be in danger if I hesitate to resort to cannibalism (in dire situations, of course, not as an enjoyable past-time).

8. Bacon. Popcorn chicken. Steak, medium rare. Lamb. Goat roti. Mmmmmm...

9. The real reason: I love meat too much to stop eating it.

...

However, for the duration of this competition, I will adopt a half-ass meat-free diet (outside of occasions where it is unavoidable or my willpower is too weak). To be clear, this is not a moral stand, but a further strategy to lose weight. So please friends, do not disown me.

Note: I actually do respect vegetarians. I just love eating meat!

I am not left-handed.

It is said that when it comes to weight-loss... your greatest opponent is yourself. Whoever said that would find Thinspiration XXL inconceivable. The truth is, I have 6 opponents. My wife who is steadily losing a pound a week... My 3 best friends, who have been catching up to me... My arch-nemesis (and unquestionably my best friend as well) who has been pulling away into the lead... Finally, myself who has been throwing up obstacles to better weight loss.

Well enough is enough. I've held back long enough. I've achieved my results to date from healthy eating alone. In the coming weeks, I'm taking the gloves off. I'm finally throwing exercise into the equation. I may also induce myself to vomit Kirby-style. You have been warned.

"My name is Flocons De Mais. You killed my weight loss. Prepare to lose."

The secret of my success

After four weeks of watching the competition waddle to catch up, I have decided to share my wealth of knowledge on how to achieve rapid weight loss. You're welcome.

• Stay a little hungry - I eat just enough to prevent myself from sliding into complete dementia, but a little bit of hunger is always gnawing at me. When I go to bed, I like to pretend that I'm Oliver Twist, or someone equally precious...and skinny.
• Exercise everyday - I do not enjoy taking time out to exercise, and that has been my downfall in the past. Recently, I decided to integrate exercise into my daily life by biking to work. Now, I get a one hour workout, at least five days a week, and it is a necessity, not an activity that must be scheduled in. Plus, it is actually enjoyable, unlike running, which is effective but tortuous.
• When in doubt, reach for water - Like Doctor Cook, I am losing touch with my bodily cues, and have trouble differentiating between feeling peckish, hungry, and depressed. So, I just drink some water and wait. If the feeling subsides, I was peckish. If it increases, I'm starving. If my face is wet, I'm crying.

I don't know how low this winning strategy will take me, but the anticipation is a killer.

A different kind of diet

Unless Doctor Cook and Royal Pinguo have achieved massive weight loss (or any weight loss, in Doctor Cook's case), it looks like I have come out on top again this week. I would like to thank Flocons's boss for putting his nose to the grindstone, thus allowing his backside to relax and have some Swiss Chalet.

With roughly five pounds to go before I reach my lowest adult weight, I know that I have a difficult road ahead of me. The last five pounds are known in weight loss folklore as the hardest lose.

To keep my motivation up, I have decided to focus on a new diet: a clothing diet. Dieters are restricted to six items of clothing for a month (does not include underwear). It is the antidote to the consumer binge that usually occurs after claiming that one has "nothing to wear".

An even stricter diet, the Great American Apparel Diet, bars dieters from buying for an entire year. That goal is pretty much on par with an Ironman triathlon in my mind - inspiring but not within my abilities.

With all the sweating that I have done as a result of the heat and exercise, I think I may have to postpone the clothing diet until fall arrives. But, imagine how satisfying it will be to wear the same clothes for a month, continue to lose weight, then discover that you must replace your entire wardrobe because nothing fits anymore. The anti-consumerist message is lost, but the end result is charity: I will give all my fat clothes to my fat friends.

Where are all the fatties?

As everyone knows, skinny people are better than everyone else. Here are some reasons why:

1. They are more attractive.

2. They typically sweat less and so have less body odor than all the rest of you fatties.

3. They present less of a drain on the health care system.

4. Kate Moss says so.

5. Weight loss inspires charity. Bowflex spokesman Brian Alvarez understands this:



And you *should* feel great Brian. Keep up the good work!

...

Since we've begun this competition, I feel thinner and therefore better than before. And, as such, I feel the need, nay, the right to gawk at all the fatties of the world.

As I've mentioned earlier, I'm currently in Boston. While on my way here, I thought, what better place than the United States of America to scope out and leer at fatties? Sadly, I have been sorely mislead. After almost one week of living here, I must ask the question: "Where are all the fatties?"

Television would have you believe that 63% of American adults are overweight or obese . Yet, where are they? They should be hard to miss. I examined a number of locations, from sports bars, to Best Buy, to Fenway stadium, home of the baseball team, the Boston Red Sox. And yet, nowhere near even 50% of individuals were giant fatties. The hero of baseball, Babe Ruth, was so grossly obese that he was unable to run his own bases. But his fans, who don't even do so much as swing a bat, are often reasonably thin. What is wrong with this dangerously underweight picture of Boston?

Someone is lying to us. Either Americans are not all fatties. Or Boston represents a low-fat oasis within America. While the humanitarian in me applauds the fact that so many people here are skinny and therefore better, the sadist in me laments my inability to laud my burgeoning thinness over others.

My only respite is to fatten up my fellow competitors in two weeks, when I return.

Not to rub it in or anything...

I drank at least 4 or 5 of those sugary juices on Sunday and thank the Storyteller profusely. It was incredibly hot out and they were great. I think I left most of them behind in the salt on my shirt. The word crustacean was mentioned. I felt like a coral reef.

Last night after dragon boat practice I had a pint of Keith's Red and an entire large Mediterranean pizza at Sunnyside Cafe all to myself before biking up to the Subway. The pizza did not entirely resemble this one but it was still yummy.

I may be very near last after the first week but I still prefer my methods over other battle tactics being currently put in the field.

The Keith's pint, well that was permitted being immediately after a rather rough practice. When I got home I managed to say no to the 3 tall cans of Creemore Thorn sent me home with Sunday that are still in my fridge untouched. That's a good thing, there's 3 so they're not lonely.

Words from a winner

I would like to congratulate all of my fellow competitors on their efforts in Week 1. Flocons, you are ever so close to reaching 1% weight loss; continue to fight for your dreams!

My success this week can be attributed to the love and support of The Storymaster, because money equals caring. Also taking credit: Mother Nature; by turning Toronto into one large sauna, I sweated my way to the top of the competition.

Speaking with friends about Thinspiration XXL, I have come to realize that everyone is trying to lose weight. Jennie, Jason, Jessica: I salute your efforts, and ask you to take the money that you would spend on food and place them in my trustworthy hands, instead. Ken: you have no interest in losing weight because you are an android, but look into that void where a human heart would reside, and realize that supporting my charity is the logical decision.

I will match every British pound equivalent donated.

Sweat and starvation were the tactics of choice for Week 1. Week 2, I will trying...exercising. See you at the scale.