I give up

Recently, I was sweating profusely in hot yoga, and while staring at my reflection, it occurred to me that I can live with this. By "this", I was referring to my body: the back fat, the birdlike chest, the soft sausage arms, the knocked knees covered in scars.
I have been skinnier in my life, but it required a level of dietary vigilance and/or physical exertion that took my attention away from enjoying the fruits of my labour. Skinny came hand-in-hand with an unrelenting obsession with food, constant monitoring of my hunger level, and loads of laundry.
It makes sense to simply accept my body as is, given that I exercise a few times a week, I eat healthy, and my body has not betrayed me with malfunction or disease in any major way. And it's a relief not to be my own worst enemy, every morning.
Of course, admitting a problem is not the end of it. I may be coaxed back into borderline anorexia by being called "fatty" or by fluorescent lighting in a swimsuit fitting room. In the meantime, I will enjoy this unfamiliar acceptance of my body, until one of my fellow Thinspiration XXL becomes enviably thin, and dissatisfaction with my body rears its ugly head.

A week of hell

For the month of December, I let myself go. I ate whatever I wanted (usually not healthy) and didn't really exercise. In the end, I got sick and felt bloated. It was not worth it.

My new year's resolution is to get back to being healthy...Thinspiration XXL healthy, that is. Since January 1, I've reduced my daily caloric intake to 1500 calories or less with the help of a calorie count application on my cell phone. I have also resumed hot yoga and running.

I must admit that the first few days of drastic stomach shrinking was psychologically and physically uncomfortable. But, now I feel better. No, really. I have lost 2 pounds already.

If I were to inflict my methods on the other competitors, I wonder what would happen? Science research requires volunteers. Anyone? Anyone?

A predictable resolution

A vacation in Paris and the usual holiday binge-fest has resulted in the expected weight gain.

Pre-Paris: 122 lbs

Post-Christmas: 126 lbs

Frankly, I'm surprised that my body has held on so stubbornly to the vestiges of fitness.

Of course, I have the Toronto Half-Marathon (May 15, 2011) to train for, but I think some more immediate challenges might be in order. I have some suggestions:

My Own Personal Kichadi - the Kichadi diet was a winning strategy for Doctor Cook, but no one, not even Doctor Cook, wants to do it again. But, what if every competitor could choose their own "kichadi" to consume for a week? A chocolate cake strategy would be wonderful but result in weight gain. A gruel strategy could result in weight loss but kichadi-like suffering. How will competitors balance taste and nutrition?

My Own Personal Hell - Hot yoga is a exercise combining flexibility, strength and cardio challenges in one. It has also been called a form of torture. In an effort to entice new clients, many hot yoga studios offer trial periods for a lower price. All competitors could take advantage of this deal to see who is capable of taking the most punishment...er...mind blowing physical transformation.

New Year's Eve will be one last hurdle before everyone joins the Thinspiration XXL band wagon - hopefully the competitors will be amongst the passengers.

Epilogue...whatever...

Thinspiration XXL has died with a whimper instead of a vengeance. Or perhaps, it just ate too much and is now hibernating.

Here's the epilogue and some of it might even be true.

celestialspeedster continues to count calories and has started exercising on a regular basis. Hot yoga is her latest thing and she will continue to do it until winter goes away. Unfortunately, she has signed up for the Toronto Half-Marathon and will be forced to run in the cold at some point.

Doctor Cook continues to make questionable life choices like eating frosting for dinner. He will be moving to the West Coast in the new year where taking up snowboarding or taking up a drug habit are both equally plausible. Well, at least the competitors of Thinspiration XXL won't be legally liable for that one. Ha!

Flocons plans to sign up for the Toronto Half-Marathon, but, first, he must survive the avalanche of food to come in December. Unfortunately, his baking skills are in high demand nowadays, and every good baker must sample his own goods.

Opiate has bucked the trend by signing up for the Mississauga Half-Marathon, which happens at the same time as the Toronto Half-Marathon. It is a smart choice since Mayor Hazel McCallion will likely knight Opiate, bestowing upon him a ham and a condo right beside Square One, whereas Mayor Rob Ford will probably throw pork hocks at runners of the Toronto event from his penthouse condo.

Royal Pinguo will attempt to hold Flocons back from the December buffet. When she loses weight in the new year, it will be for herself, and not that cute Cuban guy she met during a recent vacation. No, not at all.

Thorn is still Batman.

The end...for now...

My latest gimmick

The fact is that I have been exercising on a regular basis in the last few weeks, and in spite of eating more, my weight has not changed. Also static, but less encouraging, are my body measurements.

With the three week extension to the Catwoman Competition, I have decided to take desperate measures. I will be attending Bikram Yoga classes for the month of November. My friend, the Storymaster insists that this is a surefire way to melt away the fat. Having only tried it once before, I can vouch that it is debatable form of torture.

Madonna does Ashtanga yoga, and she has zero body fat. I have been told that my hands look like Madonna's so perhaps doing Bikram Yoga will cause this similarity to spread throughout my body. One guy doesn't think Bikram Yoga is healthy for Madonna. Well, that's enough faulty logic for today. See you at the sweat mark.

Marshmallow in the middle but she's got much back

I have learned what I must do to make my bust bigger, but what about my waist? A smaller waist will be key to becoming Catwoman, whatever version of her.

Catwoman	Chest	Waist	Hips
Halle Berry	36"	22"	37"
Michelle Pfeiffer	33.5"	24"	34"
Julie Newmar	38"	23"	38"
Me	32.5"	27.6"	37.8"

As you can see, my hips are Catwoman ready so I'm already 1/3 of the way towards victory.

In the next few weeks, I will attempt the following strategies for a smaller waist:

• eat whole grains instead of refined grains
• cardio exercises to decrease overall fat
• special waist whittling exercises

Having to lose as much as 5" off my waist will be tough so expect increasingly desperate measures as Halloween looms.

Catwoman Competitor Profile: celestialspeedster

My body looks similar to this Miss Thailand Universe contestant (32 - 28 - 37) but less winsome

Current body measurements

Bust: 32.5"

Waist: 27.6"
Hips: 37.8"
Thighs: 20.9"
Upper arms: 10.2"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: I look forward to watching my competitors parade around in a catsuit.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Female body parts, a love of cats, warring desires to kiss and kill men.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: Increase my bust, decrease my waist, improve flexibility with the help of a scratching post.

Hibernation is not an option

Scientists are currently researching how bears are able to sleep all winter and lose the fat they pack on prior to hibernation yet almost none of their muscle mass. Until science reveals the magic behind hibernation, I will need to work out over the winter to maintain the muscle that I have built up during the summer, though heavy clothing will hide all sins.

I have considered my winter workout options and list them here:

Running - Running in winter is unpleasant, but it is safer than biking in the cold, and burns more calories in less time, minimizing my time outdoors. Personal record: -13C. Goal: break personal record if global warming doesn't get in the way.

Swimming - Regular public displays in a bathing suit will give me incentive to keep the fat under control...oh, and the exercise will be good, too. Goal: swim no more than once a week for 30 minutes, because chlorine is hell for hair.

Snowboarding - Snowboarding has made me feel a kinship with MMA fighters, because since buying my own snowboard two winters ago, I understand how taking a beating is exhausting. Plus, all the push ups I do to pick myself up after falling over are awesome for defining my arms. Goal: snowboard when snow is present.

I will also be participating in other cold weather activities like stamping my feet at the bus stop, jumping over moats of snow run-off, and heavy lifting of sweaters, hats and coats.

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!

• Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
• Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
• Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
• Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
• Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
• Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Skinny and stupid

With less than 24 hours before the final weigh-in, I figure that it is safe to reveal my strategy to win Thinspiration XXL on September 19.

One week before final weigh-in: eat All Bran and little more

I started making All Bran cereal a healthy start to my day in the hope of cleaning house. I have also avoided eating anything with an indeterminate calorie count to ensure that I consume less than 1300 calories each day. This has meant shunning restaurants, and most social activities. Dieters walk alone.

96 hours before final weigh-in: go for a run

While I have been commuting to work by bike practically every day (30 minutes each way), nothing burns calories like running. I went for a run for the first time in months, and I instantly lost pounds. Much of it was water weight, of course, but running succeeded where All Bran failed.

72 hours before final weigh-in: laxatives

Since cutting down my daily caloric intake (1117 is the record), my body has had trouble maintaining a normal temperature. My skin tells me that the air is comfortable and yet, my hands could double as a frosty mug. Walking briskly to bring my body temperature up has become a necessity, but more intense exercise like running has become dangerous. Taking laxatives allow for the evacuation of excess baggage in a safe, seated position.

24 hours before final weigh-in: cut out carbs and salt

A steady diet of protein appears to have resolved the body temperature issue, but a new problem has come up: I am losing my mind. I feel lightheaded, get tired from walking, and have become a cranky pants. Thorn has resorted to patting me on the back before putting me to bed and burying my plaintive whines under the duvet.

Hours before final weigh-in: cut out drinking and enter the sauna

I do not intend to drink any liquids prior to the weigh-in and I will take on another seated position strategy to weight loss: the sauna. Thorn will be present to take me to the final weigh-in, should I fail to carry myself there due to loss of consciousness.

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 11

No weigh-in today because the Final Weigh-in takes place this Sunday.

We will have the opportunity to force Doctor Cook to weigh in. He might still be 166 lbs right now. We don't know.

Can readers suggest an appropriate penalty for Doctor Cook's shoddy participation?

In weight loss news

• A new study finds that success, and not looks, makes heterosexual women feel inferior, "triggering an urge in heterosexual women and gay men to eat less and try to become thinner."
  

"The opposite was true for heterosexual man and gay women. They showed no change in their eating habits when exposed to stories of competitive, high-status men and women."

• A nutrition expert has lost weight on a controlled diet of junk food and plain vegetables. For three weeks, Mark Haub's diet has included Little Debbie Pecan Spin Wheels for breakfast, Hostess Twinkies for lunch, birthday cake for supper and Doritos for dessert.

• Weight loss is a summer past time. Since Fall's arrival, I feel cold, almost all of the time. Now, I know why cold climate cuisine usually consists of hearty stews and alcohol.
  

Grams, ounces, WTF

I recently posted a visual chart of what 200 calories looks like and while others may marvel at how a cornucopia of broccoli could equal 1.25 hot dogs, this is the stuff of portion control nightmares.

In anticipation of attending Canada's Largest Ribfest, I attempted to figure out how many calories each rib would equal. This search for seemingly simple information resulted in this:

3.5 oz (100 g) = 340 calories

What?

396 calories in one very large, American style BBQ pork spare rib

Is that a single rib?

1/4 rack with sauce (140.0 g) = 280 calories

I give up! (gnaw furiously at rib)

I eventually found a website that was kind enough to give me information in terms I understand: "There are approximately 388 calories in three BBQ pork spare ribs."

The struggle to figure out what ounces and grams look like on my plate continues in all aspects of my daily diet. In moments of laziness, I resort to eating pre-packaged foods like granola bars and microwavable dinners because they give me a clear calorie count.

The fact is that dieting is not conducive to a good social life. The Ribfest, preceded by four nights out of the house, resulted in the expected weight gain, because it was impossible to count calories. For example: Beef with bitter melon

Beef (1/4 cup) = 80 calories

Bitter Melon (1/4 cup) = 6 calories

Bits of onion = negligible?

Yummy sauce (1/4 cup) = ???

Unknown vegetable (?) = ?????

Oil = :-(

Plus, what kind of wet blanket whines about calories while poking suspiciously at one's entrée, or eats salad?

The recent proposal to mandate calories in menus will take away the blissfully ignorant feeding frenzy that diners enjoy, but it may be the only way I keep my weight down and keep friends at the same time.

Still, nutritional information, no matter how widely distributed, will prove useless if portions continue to be measured in what might as well be Swahili.

Thinspiration XXL Finale on September 19

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Thinspiration XXL Final Weigh-in will take place on:

Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Musket (40 Advance Rd, Toronto, ON)

Prior to gorging on wiener schnitzel and pork hocks, we will determine who is the thinnest of us all. Prepare to be amazed!*

If you would like to attend, please RSVP to celestialspeedster.

*Not a guarantee of amazement; more like wishful thinking.

What does 200 calories look like?

A complete visual depiction of 200 calories worth of various foods can be found here.

On a diet of roughly 1300 calories per day, I can choose from about six and a half of these items.

Possible menu du jour:

• 60 g of Corn Bran Cereal
• 333 ml of milk
• 3 eggs (150 g)
• 1425 g of celery
• half of a sesame seed bagel (70 g)
• 60 ml of Bailey's Irish Cream
• 25 g of Splenda

Le cry.

Is it really harder for women to lose weight?

Before

After

Yes, it is.

Challenge #2 conclusion: diets don't work

Based on our scientific study, Challenge #2: Money to Burn, diets do not produce exciting results for possible anorexics. Just look at those weigh-in results!

My Liquid Diet-cum-SlimFast 3-2-1 Plan would have been more effective if I had actually stuck with it consistently. I found myself in restaurants where they served delicious food in large portions, and I could not safely carry leftovers while riding my bike, so I carried it in the safest place possible (pats belly). Yet, my weight did not fluctuate as wildly as usual in between weigh-ins, and I attribute this to the predictable caloric intake of my diet.

While the meal replacement shakes make me look like a dieting idiot at work, but I am won over by its convenience. I did not have to rummage through the fridge each morning to combine tofu/chick peas/egg with whatever vegetable mix was in the freezer. The meal replacement shakes are also quick and easy to consume. It helps that I can drink chocolate meal replacement shakes day after day without gagging.

I will continue my Challenge #2 diet until the meal replacement shakes run out, and then maybe I'll buy some more. With the finale of Thinspiration XXL looming, I will need every gimmick that I can use.

Canadian National Exhibition: destroyer of diets

Thorn and I attended the Canadian National Exhibition on Saturday and while we did no succumb to the deep fried butter, we did consume the following:

• breakfast mac and cheese with egg and sausage from the Mac and Cheesery (unfortunately, the mac & cheese was soft and tasteless)
• buffalo burger (excellent, as usual)
  
• poutine
• Maple Butter BeaverTail

We also bought some short bread cookies from Sprucewood Handmade Cookie Co after sampling them. We enjoyed Rosemary and Dark Chocolate, but bought Spicy Thai and Raspberry. They will be coming to a Thinspiration XXL showdown soon!

At no point did I have a meal replacement shake. In fact, I did try to bring a bottle of meal replacement with me, but Thorn gave me a dirty look so I put it back in the fridge.

The madness continued on Sunday, when we attended BuskerFest and ate delicious pub food in front of Doctor Cook, who died a little inside as he squeezed his lemon into his fizzy water. That evening, we ate dinner with Jon Levy at The Acme Burger Company. The burgers were fresh and tasted like real meat, but were otherwise unspectacular.

I am back to the Slim-Fast 3-2-1 Plan today:

• 3 Snacks: Banana, apple, peach
• 2 Meal Replacements: Life Brand Complete Meal Replacement Shake - Chocolate flavour
• 1 Balanced Meal: Scrambled eggs with cucumbers, string beans, green peppers and rice.

I should have done the Slim-Fast 3-2-1 Plan

The Liquid Diet was not one of my better ideas. My math tells me that I'm taking in the right amount of calories, but after consuming nothing but liquid for the past 24 hours plus, I'm feeling lightheaded, yet dense at the same time.

Case in point, yesterday, when I was trying to meet up with Thorn, the conversation went like this:
Thorn: "We'll probably arrive at the apartment at 6pm."
Me: "So, I'll meet you at 7pm."
Thorn: "No, I said 6pm."
Me: "6:15pm then?"

It is time to resort to the Slim-Fast 3-2-1 Plan: 3 snacks, 2 meal replacement shakes, and 1 sensible meal. I like the "sensible" part of this strategy!

Breakfast:

• Milk with Chocolate Ovaltine (2 cups)

Lunch:

• Life Brand Complete Chocolate Meal Replacement Shake (1 bottle)

Snacks:

• Fruit Punch (300 ml)
• Kashi Bar (1 bar)
  
• Japanese rice cakes (pack of 2)

Dinner:

• Some vegetables and starch - no meat as per my weekday vegetarian diet

I have not been so eager to eat solid food since I did the Kichadi fast. Thank goodness I'm not doing that! Haha!

Challenge #2: Thursday food log

Breakfast

• So Good Chocolate Soy Milk (1 cup)
• 1% Dairy Milk (1 cup)

Lunch

• Life Brand Complete Chocolate Meal Replacement Shake (1 bottle)

Dinner:

• East African Split Pea with Sweet Potato Soup (1 bowl) from Fresh
• Apple Pie Smoothie - apple, ginger, banana, lemon, cinnamon (16 oz) from Fresh
• Miso Soup (1 cup)
• Chocolate ice cream (1 cup)

I have rarely heard the call of nature as often as I did today, and I miss chewing, already. Unexpectedly, I seem to have trouble focusing and making logical decisions. On the plus side, meals take no time at all because options are limited to the appetizer menu and they go down easy.