FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory

FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.