Catwoman Competitor Profile: celestialspeedster

My body looks similar to this Miss Thailand Universe contestant (32 - 28 - 37) but less winsome

Current body measurements

Bust: 32.5"

Waist: 27.6"
Hips: 37.8"
Thighs: 20.9"
Upper arms: 10.2"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: I look forward to watching my competitors parade around in a catsuit.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Female body parts, a love of cats, warring desires to kiss and kill men.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: Increase my bust, decrease my waist, improve flexibility with the help of a scratching post.

October is Catwoman Competition Month

During the original Thinspiration XXL weight-loss competition, competitors not only feared the scale, but also the scales of justice as the untimely demise of Doctor Cook looked increasingly plausible, sure to be followed by charges of 'Counselling to commit suicide'.

Much to everyone's relief, the weight-loss competition is over, and we can all focus on what really matters: looking good in a skin-tight outfit.

On October 31, Thinspiration XXL competitors will use Halloween as a socially acceptable excuse to wear catsuits. The fear of public shame will drive the competitors to not only lose weight, but to exercise and develop attractive muscle tone.

New competitor profiles, featuring current body measurements and strategies for transforming into a sexually attractive yet morally ambiguous vigilante will be posted shortly.

P.S. Readers who were hoping to have their 5K and triathlon desires met will not be disappointed. Stay tuned!

A Lesson Learned

Regardless of it satisfying some innate childhood fantasy and I am reminded of arguments with my parents as to the contrary; I understand their arguments were sound and they were truly and rightly correct. 100% without a doubt:

Chocolate Ice Cream for dinner, in dinner size portions, is a bad idea.

Just so we're all clear on that.

Yes I have done this. It was yummy and an extraordinarily bad idea. I REGRET NOTHING!!!

My name is Opiate. I am a life-long chocolate addict.

Though chocolate ice cream has many wonderful nutritional things in it a body needs to be healthy like you know.... chocolate (calcium, Vitamins A, B2, B12 are in there too as nice bonuses I guess), as with anything yummy that too much of a good thing is also very true. As my taste buds rejoiced my stomach turned into a war-torn state in the throws of a violent rebellion as was expected but did not deter.

Whatever possessed me to eat so much ice cream? I had chocolate ice cream in my freezer.

And a spoon.

I found the picture above on Scoop Adventures, a blog about ice cream: making it and loving it. It includes recipes. A great one I'd like to try is the Blueberry yogurt popsicles. She also has a recipe for a Praline and Bacon flavour.

Central to this find though is the chocolate stout ice cream and the recipe uses of all things Young's Double Chocolate Stout from the UK. One of my personal favourites of all time and guaranteed massive calories per bottle.

Avoid at all costs if you

1. don't like beer
2. don't like chocolate
3. are trying to stay away from high amounts calories contained in single-serving-sized attractive bottles filled with yummy brewed liquid that you are likely to like far too much
   

I'll drink this stuff but the case.

Some healthier(ish) chocolate options:

• Nature Valley Dark Chocolate Trail Mix bars
• Kashi Chocolate fudge coconut, dark chocolate cherry, and mocha almond bars
  
• Any good quality 70% or higher dark chocolate and a glass of nice red wine
• Nutella
• Chocolate covered strawberries, cherries, any berries you like!!

Now that I am out of ice cream, dinner tonight will be something entirely different, chocolate free....and likely containing jalapenos.

Survey results: How would you like to be edutained by the competitors next?

• 5K run - 2 votes (50%)
• Body measurements - 0 vote (0%)
• Fitness test - 0 vote (0%)
• Triathlon - 2 votes (50%)
  

Hibernation is not an option

Scientists are currently researching how bears are able to sleep all winter and lose the fat they pack on prior to hibernation yet almost none of their muscle mass. Until science reveals the magic behind hibernation, I will need to work out over the winter to maintain the muscle that I have built up during the summer, though heavy clothing will hide all sins.

I have considered my winter workout options and list them here:

Running - Running in winter is unpleasant, but it is safer than biking in the cold, and burns more calories in less time, minimizing my time outdoors. Personal record: -13C. Goal: break personal record if global warming doesn't get in the way.

Swimming - Regular public displays in a bathing suit will give me incentive to keep the fat under control...oh, and the exercise will be good, too. Goal: swim no more than once a week for 30 minutes, because chlorine is hell for hair.

Snowboarding - Snowboarding has made me feel a kinship with MMA fighters, because since buying my own snowboard two winters ago, I understand how taking a beating is exhausting. Plus, all the push ups I do to pick myself up after falling over are awesome for defining my arms. Goal: snowboard when snow is present.

I will also be participating in other cold weather activities like stamping my feet at the bus stop, jumping over moats of snow run-off, and heavy lifting of sweaters, hats and coats.

Protein Binge of Fire - Field Testing My Cast Iron Stomach

I thawed some ground beef out, so of course had to do something with it. Also always desiring an excuse to not cook for a while.

The answer:

A HUGE POT OF CHILI

I have no idea how to make chili in any traditional sense. A friend asked me what my recipe was... My response: "recipe?"

Recipe's mean planning and initiating a said plan with proper supplies. I just sort of throw a bunch of stuff into a pot as I found them in my kitchen.

From what I understand chili at it's core needs tomatoes, chili powder and some form of huge protein binge (meat or beans and for me it's both). Pretty much anything else is optional depending on tastes. I could have looked up some recipes online easy enough, but where's the fun in that? I likely wouldn't have half the ingredients on hand anyway.

My grandmother used to put chopped apples in her chili, was actually a neat mix you wouldn't expect to work but did. I have apples, but refrained. It's a difficult balance.

Definitions:

"not small pinch": a fairly large amount, probably a tablespoon or two but varies. I generally just pour it on until I think it's just the right amount of too much.

"Buttload": Exactly as it sounds. Don't ask me what measured amount qualifies a "buttload". A lot more than a not small pinch.


I tend to overdo things a bit as a matter of course.

All in all I'm happy with the results, a spoonful has a decent flavour and near-intolerable spice burn that keeps me coming back for more. It's far better than I was expecting for a mishmash of random things and no proper measurements.

The recipe as best as I can recall:

• 1 cucumber diced
• 1 lb lean ground beef
• 1 can low sodium mixed beans
  
• 1 cup dried, soaked then boiled chick peas
• 3 mason jars of home made tomato juice (my last 3, *sniff*)
• 1/2 a bulb garlic, crushed and diced
• 1/2 a red onion, diced
• a buttload of chili powder
  
• 3 fresh vine tomatoes diced (all I had in the fridge, normally use more)
• a not small pinch of Italian seasoning (oregano, sage, basil and whatnot, picked up from Fresh From the Farm, it's a yummy mix)
• 2 dried Korean chilies crushed (tiny but these critters can stop a rabid charging bull at 100 yards)
• a not small pinch of a salsa spice mix I have, loads of flavour and kick
  
• 3 small branches worth of fresh rosemary
• half a small bottle of pickled sliced jalapenos, a lot, didn't count
• ~12 small pickled green chillies diced (seriously tiny and spicy, a big one might only be 2 inches long, it was the last of the jar so I tossed it all in)
• 1/2 cup of brown rice
  

FISHing for Finch: The Road to Victory

FISH (Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations): "Why are we doing this? This is insane!"
Me: "Have you seen speedster's plan for the last few days? We must defeat her!"
FISH: "It's the last day and you're already dehydrated, starved, and sick. What more will running a dozen kilometers do? With a backpack and all your stuff, no less."
Me: "Excuuuuse me, FISH, it's 14k, not 12k. And it will ensure victory. Mwuahahahaha!"
FISH: "I can't wait until this competition is over. You are insane."
Me: "Nothing beats crazy!" *briefly passes out

...Run from Spadina to Finch TTC station commences...

FISH: "Okay, this isn't so bad"
Me: "See."

...1 km into run...

FISH: "For the love of God, stop. I am dying."
Me: "Shut up you!"
FISH: "Don't you remember what happens to half-marathon runners?"
Me: "They... achieve..." *pauses for breath "...glory!"
FISH: "Um... they die. From dehydration, I think."
Me: "I'm... fine..." *coughs "Relax!"

...1.5 km into run...

FISH: "Your heart feels funny."
Me: "No... it... ow! Oh... everything... hurts..."
FISH: "You idiot! Get some water!"
Me: "Okay... let's... just get... to Yonge..."
FISH: "NOW! Water NOW!"

...2 km into run...

FISH: "I'm not talking to you."
Me: "Aaaah... okay... walk for a bit... yeah..."
FISH: "WATER!!!"

...2.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "Almost... Yonge... yeah..."
FISH: "NOW! Over there! Heart attack!"
Me: "Gah! Ow! Okay... but we make... it... up..."

...In convenience store...

FISH: "Look! Food! Get a power bar!"
Me: "NEVER!"
FISH: "Okay, Gatorade?"
Me: "Hmmm... as long as it has few calories..."
FISH: "That one?"
Me: "150 calories? NEVER!"
FISH: "...20 calorie one? Please...?"
Me: "Oh, okay..."

...Outside store...

FISH: "Walk and drink for a bit."
Me: "Nah, I had some, let's go!"
FISH: "Um..."

...2.55 km into run/walk...

Me: "Owww... okay... we walk..."
FISH: "Thank God."

...3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Go time!"

...3.5 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Or was it over hydration that kills runners?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
FISH: "Yeah, I think that was it."
Me: "You bastard!"
FISH: "You just downed a bottle of water. You should stop!"
Me: "NEVER!"

...4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Ah, this liquid... jiggling... blah... can't run... need to walk..."
FISH: "Mwuahahahaha"
Me: "Now who's the crazy... gah... one?"
FISH: "Um... you're talking to me, aren't you?"
Me: "Oh, right..."

...4.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay. Better. We run again."

...5.4 km into run/walk...

Me: "Okay, need... short break... "
FISH: "Let's just walk the rest of the way. Or take the subway."
Me: "NEVER!"

...5.6 km into run/walk...

Me: "Back to running."

...Run/walk continues at similar pace until 8.3 km mark...

FISH: "I can tell. We're almost there. You can relax."
Me: "Thank... God..."
*crosses corner of Yonge Blvd and Yonge street and sees the destination, the tall buildings in the far distance
Me: "Ah shit."
FISH: *cries

...10.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "4...0...1... How... we... pass...?"
FISH: "I'm dying. I'm dying. Just walk. Slowly."

...Long pause of confusion...

Me: "It's this way!"
FISH: "Dammit."

...11.3 km into run/walk...

FISH: "Up ahead! That's it! Take the side route! It's the right one! I can tell!"
Me: "Dam... it... we make... it to... Finch..."

...11.5 km into run/walk...

Me: "That's Sheppard... you... idiot..."
FISH: "FUCK! But wait, what's that smell? Let's eat it!"
Me: "McDonalds. Dammit..."

...12.2 km into run/walk...

Me: "Korean food festival? FUCK!"
FISH: "That's okay. We're there. That side street. Take it. I'm sure this time."

...12.7 km into run/walk...

Me: "That was... Ellerslie, not... Finch."
FISH: "FUCK!"

...13 km into run/walk...

FISH: "I quit."
Me: "AAAAHHHH... OWWW! Okay... Me too!"

...13.3 km into run/walk...

Me: "FINCH!! Let's sprint!"

...13.5 km into run/walk/sprint...

Me: "For...get... it... I quit."
FISH: "Thank God."

...13.6 km into walk...

Me: "We made it!"
FISH: "I hate you. I will make you dream of Michael Moore naked for this."

...14.2 km into walk...

Arrived at destination, worn and beaten, but ultimately victorious.

Detailed thoughts, feelings, and advice for other fatties like us looking to lose weight to follow in a future post.

For the victims of whatever...

The mung beans have been eaten, the bowels have been emptied, and the scales have been tipped. The Thinspiration XXL weight loss competition has come to a close... but not before the fatties consider the unfortunate plight of "the victims of whatever..."

At the beginning of this competition, we vowed to raise pledges to donate 1 British pound for every pound we lost to the charity of our choice. As of today, the current exchange rate is 1 British pound = 1.6 Canadian dollars. Don't worry, victims of whatever... We have not forgotten you!

• Royal Pinguo lost 6 pounds, earning $9.60 per pledge for World Wildlife Fund.
• Flocons lost 9 pounds, earning $14.40 per pledge for Doctors without Borders.
• Thorn lost 10 pounds, earning $16.00 per pledge for Habitat for Humanity.
• Celestialspeedster lost 12 pounds, earning $19.20 per pledge for Second Harvest.
• Opiate lost 13 pounds, earning $20.80 per pledge for Partners in Health.
• Doctor Cook lost 24 pounds, earning $38.40 per pledge for Feed the Children.

Want more Thinspiration XXL? Not to worry. Due to loyal fans like you, the Thinspiration XXL competitors will return after a one week break for another angst-filled season of exercise and healthy eating. More details coming soon...

Want more charity? I am hoping to co-ordinate a clothing drive with the other contestants to collect clothes that are too big for them. We will then give away our fat clothes to our fat friends.

Post-banquet weigh-in

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	120 lbs	+ 3 lbs	- 9 lbs ( - 7.0%)
Doctor Cook	158.5 lbs	+ 2.5 lbs	- 21.5 lbs ( - 11.9%)
Flocons	208 lbs	+ 5 lbs	- 4 lbs ( - 1.9%)
Opiate	176 lbs	+ 6 lbs	- 7 lbs ( - 3.8%)
Royal Pinguo	138 lbs	- 0 lb	- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn	169 lbs	+ 3 lbs	- 7 lbs ( - 4.0%)

FINAL WEIGH-IN!!!

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	117 lbs	- 4 lbs	- 12 lbs ( - 9.3%)
Doctor Cook	156 lbs	- 10 lbs	- 24 lbs ( - 13.3%)
Flocons	203 lbs	- 0 lb	- 9 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Opiate	170 lbs	- 8 lbs	- 13 lbs ( - 7.1%)
Royal Pinguo	138 lbs	- 0 lb	- 6 lbs ( - 4.2%)
Thorn	166 lbs	- 2 lb	- 10 lbs ( - 5.7%)

Survey results: The winner of Thinspiration XXL will be...

• celestialspeedster - 3 votes (37%)
• Doctor Cook - 3 votes (37%)
• Flocons - 2 votes (25%)
• Opiate - 0 vote (0%)
  
• Royal Pinguo - 0 vote (0%)
• Thorn - 0 vote (0%)

Death Race: the Finale

As stated in a comment below, I have made little effort to lose weight in the final days, relying on a pernicious cold to carry me through to victory. However, since today is *the* final day, I will make one last push. My last 1.5 days are outlined below:

Saturday:

Food consumption - 2 tbsps of peanut butter; approximate calorie value - 200
Liquid consumption - 500 mL of water; a small coffee
Activity - 10 minutes of running, due to lateness, not a competitive spirit

Today:

Food consumption - nothing; I will fast until the weigh-in
Liquid consumption - nothing; I will only drink where required to avoid death
Activity - 15+ km run upcoming, to meet at the Finale and to prepare for a half-marathon I'm unexpectedly doing a week from today

Chances of death: Likely
Chances of victory awarded post-humously: Likely
Chances of pooing: Unnecessary
Chances of heroism: Ensured

Skinny and stupid

With less than 24 hours before the final weigh-in, I figure that it is safe to reveal my strategy to win Thinspiration XXL on September 19.

One week before final weigh-in: eat All Bran and little more

I started making All Bran cereal a healthy start to my day in the hope of cleaning house. I have also avoided eating anything with an indeterminate calorie count to ensure that I consume less than 1300 calories each day. This has meant shunning restaurants, and most social activities. Dieters walk alone.

96 hours before final weigh-in: go for a run

While I have been commuting to work by bike practically every day (30 minutes each way), nothing burns calories like running. I went for a run for the first time in months, and I instantly lost pounds. Much of it was water weight, of course, but running succeeded where All Bran failed.

72 hours before final weigh-in: laxatives

Since cutting down my daily caloric intake (1117 is the record), my body has had trouble maintaining a normal temperature. My skin tells me that the air is comfortable and yet, my hands could double as a frosty mug. Walking briskly to bring my body temperature up has become a necessity, but more intense exercise like running has become dangerous. Taking laxatives allow for the evacuation of excess baggage in a safe, seated position.

24 hours before final weigh-in: cut out carbs and salt

A steady diet of protein appears to have resolved the body temperature issue, but a new problem has come up: I am losing my mind. I feel lightheaded, get tired from walking, and have become a cranky pants. Thorn has resorted to patting me on the back before putting me to bed and burying my plaintive whines under the duvet.

Hours before final weigh-in: cut out drinking and enter the sauna

I do not intend to drink any liquids prior to the weigh-in and I will take on another seated position strategy to weight loss: the sauna. Thorn will be present to take me to the final weigh-in, should I fail to carry myself there due to loss of consciousness.

You've been struck by a Smoothie Criminal

There was a time when breakfast was a fried egg sandwich or scrambled eggs and pork sausages. If I was in a rush, I would pick up a Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich or an Egg McMuffin. If I was really in a rush, I would skip breakfast entirely.

Those days are no more. I've started making smoothies this week. It's the lazy man's way to pack fruits and vegetables into your meal. The jolt of fruits and veggies is a good boost at the beginning of my day. Royal Pinguo also likes it.

DIY breakfast smoothies are awesome because it ups your fruit/vegetable intake and displaces the greasy and/or caffeinated junk that people normally have for breakfast. You get to choose what goes into the smoothie too! This morning we had an apple-kiwi smoothie which was pretty awesome. I threw it together since we ran out of oranges last night.

Now the sign of a healthy smoothie depends on your fruit to vegetable ratio. More vegetables are better. Currently my smoothies are 90% fruit, but I'm working on introducing more vegetables to the mix gradually. The extra fiber is also handy for reasons I won't mention...

P.S: Thinspiration XXL Finale on Sunday! Join us live at the Musket for the Thinspiration XXL after-party. More debauchery than a TIFF after-party, I guarantee you!

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 11

No weigh-in today because the Final Weigh-in takes place this Sunday.

We will have the opportunity to force Doctor Cook to weigh in. He might still be 166 lbs right now. We don't know.

Can readers suggest an appropriate penalty for Doctor Cook's shoddy participation?

Status Update: One for the Ditch

Beer Gut of Sloth (Heavy Dwarven Armour):
Fatigue +15
Armour +1
Constitution +50
Speed -20
Dexterity -100
Strength Modifier 0.000001

At this particular moment I remain boned.

Major holes recently punched into my ability to maintain or lose weight:

Montreal is behind me and with it, my ambition to run for the time being. Calling it burnout is a bit of an understatement.

GWN dragon boat race is over. My 9th season of racing is done. Our team closed out the beer tent, being politely booted out as the staff packed up and the sun went down we were the last team standing and quite nicely pickled. Liquid calories abounded as we were celebrating a fun season and finishing off in style.

What this truly means besides the fact my liver is blue is that all that extra exercise from practices to work off my binges is now absent. My binges were rationalized before, now they are not. I am also struck with the new-found free time I don't quite know what to do with yet. If only fleeting this feeling of free time initially drops on your head like a mountain of bricks and is alarmingly disorienting.

Options? I have the usual new apartment stuff that needs attending to still, can go for a run, can maybe catch a movie ...

BUT! *there's always a but.

Halo: Reach is finally here! The prequel endgame of the Bungie era in Halo games, and it's very very fun. If anything will make me take Dragon Age out of my xbox drive and plant my ass immobile without fail it's a new Halo. This represents an incredible opportunity to expand my belly overhang in ever greater dimensions.

Free Time = Video Game Sloth

Eating out. Until very recently I have spent a very little amount of time at home due to the events I've been attending/competing in. So I have been eating humongous portions elsewhere and although yummy, seeing the sodium, sugar and fat levels in most tasty restaurant meals are something to make one's eyeballs shrivel and I'm glad those details aren't listed on the menus yet. I enjoy cooking but my fridge is empty, have to hit the veggie stands and restock the freezer.

Now it's time for me to get off my ass and re-begin my training in other forms and with a new resolve as I'm calling my grace period for recovery (translation: laziness) from the run officially OVER.

In weight loss news

• A new study finds that success, and not looks, makes heterosexual women feel inferior, "triggering an urge in heterosexual women and gay men to eat less and try to become thinner."
  

"The opposite was true for heterosexual man and gay women. They showed no change in their eating habits when exposed to stories of competitive, high-status men and women."

• A nutrition expert has lost weight on a controlled diet of junk food and plain vegetables. For three weeks, Mark Haub's diet has included Little Debbie Pecan Spin Wheels for breakfast, Hostess Twinkies for lunch, birthday cake for supper and Doritos for dessert.

• Weight loss is a summer past time. Since Fall's arrival, I feel cold, almost all of the time. Now, I know why cold climate cuisine usually consists of hearty stews and alcohol.
  

Lady Gaga tempting me with cannibalism

As fashion and art critics chatter about the meaning of Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress to the MTV music awards, I say the message is obvious. It is an endorsement of cannibalism. Yet another attempt to coax the members of Thinspiration XXL to put on calories in a socially-unacceptable manner. The mainstream media constantly bombarding us with images of people covered in food, it's only a matter of time before a cannibalism outbreak occurs... and I will be wagging my finger at all of you! (Or grabbing a knife and fork... I haven't decided yet.)

Grams, ounces, WTF

I recently posted a visual chart of what 200 calories looks like and while others may marvel at how a cornucopia of broccoli could equal 1.25 hot dogs, this is the stuff of portion control nightmares.

In anticipation of attending Canada's Largest Ribfest, I attempted to figure out how many calories each rib would equal. This search for seemingly simple information resulted in this:

3.5 oz (100 g) = 340 calories

What?

396 calories in one very large, American style BBQ pork spare rib

Is that a single rib?

1/4 rack with sauce (140.0 g) = 280 calories

I give up! (gnaw furiously at rib)

I eventually found a website that was kind enough to give me information in terms I understand: "There are approximately 388 calories in three BBQ pork spare ribs."

The struggle to figure out what ounces and grams look like on my plate continues in all aspects of my daily diet. In moments of laziness, I resort to eating pre-packaged foods like granola bars and microwavable dinners because they give me a clear calorie count.

The fact is that dieting is not conducive to a good social life. The Ribfest, preceded by four nights out of the house, resulted in the expected weight gain, because it was impossible to count calories. For example: Beef with bitter melon

Beef (1/4 cup) = 80 calories

Bitter Melon (1/4 cup) = 6 calories

Bits of onion = negligible?

Yummy sauce (1/4 cup) = ???

Unknown vegetable (?) = ?????

Oil = :-(

Plus, what kind of wet blanket whines about calories while poking suspiciously at one's entrée, or eats salad?

The recent proposal to mandate calories in menus will take away the blissfully ignorant feeding frenzy that diners enjoy, but it may be the only way I keep my weight down and keep friends at the same time.

Still, nutritional information, no matter how widely distributed, will prove useless if portions continue to be measured in what might as well be Swahili.

Food Effigies and You

You are what you eat. Or so they say. I pray that this is not true, as my food effigy this week is not pretty. Note: Some food products were 'mooooo're prepared than depicted.

In light of my vow to indulge this week, I have done just that. The consequences have been dire.

1) I have forgone vegetarianism, with dire consequences to my digestive system. Who knew that a scant few weeks would be enough for my system to become completely inadequate at digesting meat?

2) I have forgone sobriety, with dire consequences to my bank account, my digestive system, and also to my liver. Shut up in there you. At least you can regenerate!

3) I have survived a complete day solely on a diet of peanut butter, with dire consequences to my digestive system. This has not been your week, has it large intestine?

4) I have nonetheless discovered that despite this week of binge eating, magically, I can fit into size 31 waist jeans instead of the size 34 parachute pants I was squeezing into earlier. I can even fit size 30, though with dire consequences to anyone who happens to look at me. Thank you Kate Moss for your thinspiration! Anorexia is king!