A is for Anorexia

Thinspiration: One compound word with the power to evoke so much change in one's life. Allow me to share some of the life lessons I have learned in my recent months of blog silence, presented in Q & A form.

Q. "Just what have you been eating lately?"
A. "My taste buds have run quite the gamut of late, partaking of items such as duck tongue and gizzard, liters of Lipton Instant Chicken Noodle Soup, dozens of Tootsie Pops, McDonald's and Burger King by the handful, cake, cupcakes, cookies, a container of frosting, and a pound of chocolate covered coffee beans."

Q. "A diet of predominantly candy and chocolate covered coffee beans? Are you insane?"
A. "Yes. But I ate better than any of you suckers. In fact, for a few days there, all I ate were suckers."

Q. "Did you gain massive amounts of weight? Did you give yourself diabetes?"
A. "No. Contrary to popular belief, diabetes is not linked directly to sugar intake, but rather to obesity. And, coupling candy with my well-entrenched anorexic tendencies, any weight changes were minimal."

Q. "Surely there must have been some consequences. How are you still alive?"
A. "Surprisingly not. The only odd and slightly disturbing observation following 3 days of eating dozens of tootsie pops was the odor of candy in my urine! However, this effect is nothing compared with eating Lipton Instant Chicken Soup even two days in a row. Both the color AND odor of urine soon matches the soup, perhaps hinting at its origin."

Q. "Would you recommend others adopt a candy regime in lieu of 'sensible' diets?"
A. "Yes."

Q. "Will you return to glory in the next installment of Thinspiration, if it ever happens?"
A. "How dare you suggest that I ever left my state of glory?!" *storms off*

Epilogue...whatever...

Thinspiration XXL has died with a whimper instead of a vengeance. Or perhaps, it just ate too much and is now hibernating.

Here's the epilogue and some of it might even be true.

celestialspeedster continues to count calories and has started exercising on a regular basis. Hot yoga is her latest thing and she will continue to do it until winter goes away. Unfortunately, she has signed up for the Toronto Half-Marathon and will be forced to run in the cold at some point.

Doctor Cook continues to make questionable life choices like eating frosting for dinner. He will be moving to the West Coast in the new year where taking up snowboarding or taking up a drug habit are both equally plausible. Well, at least the competitors of Thinspiration XXL won't be legally liable for that one. Ha!

Flocons plans to sign up for the Toronto Half-Marathon, but, first, he must survive the avalanche of food to come in December. Unfortunately, his baking skills are in high demand nowadays, and every good baker must sample his own goods.

Opiate has bucked the trend by signing up for the Mississauga Half-Marathon, which happens at the same time as the Toronto Half-Marathon. It is a smart choice since Mayor Hazel McCallion will likely knight Opiate, bestowing upon him a ham and a condo right beside Square One, whereas Mayor Rob Ford will probably throw pork hocks at runners of the Toronto event from his penthouse condo.

Royal Pinguo will attempt to hold Flocons back from the December buffet. When she loses weight in the new year, it will be for herself, and not that cute Cuban guy she met during a recent vacation. No, not at all.

Thorn is still Batman.

The end...for now...

Anti-climactic Catwoman Finale Part 2 to come

The second Catwoman Competition finale will take place this Saturday, November 20: Beautiful Day. Competitors will be measured and are expected to bring their own version of the recently departed Double Down. The visual food orgy to come should be exciting...well, at least more exciting than the Catwoman Competition, which has been a non-starter.

If the competitors do not agree on a challenge for the next round that causes everyone to giggle like frenzied school girls, then this may well mark the finale of Thinspiration XXL.

Obesity rates to rise at Central Tech

Just as Canadians begin pining over the departure of the Double Down, Krispy Kreme has returned from oblivion to fill the void. The chain that had Torontonians running for the (Mississauga) border disappeared in 2004 in the midst of financial woes. Now, Krispy Kreme has set up shop near the intersection of Bathurst and Harbord, within waddling distance of Central Technical School.

Just a reminder that one Krispy Kreme donut equals 250 calories. Take two Krispy Kreme donuts, insert some cheese and bacon in between, and the end result is something even more monstrous (or wonderful?) than the Double Down.

Lunch: Mountains and Molehills

The Twinkie Diet thing reminded me of a post I'd started, stopped and started again.... Think it's time I got back to that thought.

Lunch, the lesser appreciated of the three traditional daily binges. It can be awesome or devastating. We're all so busy in our daily lives that it rarely is used an opportunity for eating something good so much as just vacuuming down some calories to carry you through until dinner. Historically for my 10 years at this job I've done one of two things for lunch:

1. brought in a huge container of one single meal item. Seriously for me I might as well have been using a garbage can. Be it rice or pasta, everything was awash in meat/tomato sauce. I loaded up as much as I could into the biggest container I could find and of course would eat the entire pile in one sitting
2. wandered downtown or to the cafeteria to find some overpriced meal that would ultimately suck as a waste of time, money and tastebud satisfaction

Add this to the fact I skipped breakfast due to my innate laziness of hitting the snoozebar countless times in the morning before rushing out the door. This is bad.

So I was glutting down large amounts of food of dubious nutritional value on a previously empty stomach (barring a coffee) and basically forcing my metabolism to cope with the massive influx all at once. And it did....by making me 197lbs. The body can only burn so much as fuel efficiently in such a span of time, the rest goes to our portly pocket zones. In my case, the beer gut.

Over the last year or two I've been thinspired by many things to change my habits, TXXL has only reinforced that this is a wise course of action.

To be honest, it was also getting really really boring. My tastebuds are tired of monotonous daily meals of convenience so this also adds some meal variety to the routine of my 9-5 desk job grind.

Since I still skip breakfast to an extent I've finally settled on a more reasonable approach.

Solution:

1. Little tiny containers.
   
2. More of them.
   
3. With different non-meatpasta items in each.
4. Bring cereal bars and slices of bread for breakfast when I get to work
   
5. Keep items like peanut butter at work for breakfast bread
   

No. 4 & 5 keep me in check until lunch itself and provides something for my body to burn in the meantime, regulating the metabolism a bit better. The tiny containers are obvious portion control and more options adds more veggies and fruits into my otherwise meatcarby diet. It also has proven to be a quick meal to slice up tomato, onion, lettuce, cheese and meat the night before, throw it all into a container and bring two pieces of bread in another. Put container contents on bread, voila you have a sandwich and the bread isn't soggy.

For lunch I generally still have my mound of pasta, only a smaller molehill with more veggies in the sauce instead of a Half Dome-comparable load of meat and carbs. Half Dome is huge, see pic at the top, the view from the apex is incomparable.

I'm also bringing two juice boxes, one to go with breakfast and another for lunch to keep myself from running down the hallway to the nearest pop machine when I'm tired of just water.

Also common inclusions now in lunch in said tiny containers or on the side:

1. olives and pickles
   
2. mandarin orange pieces
   
3. yogurt
   
4. grapes
   
5. sliced sweet peppers
   
6. apples
   
7. oranges
   
8. bananas
   

I'm also a cheap bastard. This has proved a good cost-cutting measure as I got tired of spending too much money on bad unhealthy food prepared and served by obnoxious staff at unacceptable dives downtown when I either forgot to pack or got tired of my garbage can of carbmeat.

Sodium being a monster flab-builder in the Triad of Trouble (sugar, fat, salt), and being an addict to "pickled anything" which is of course a haven for high sodium.... I've happily discovered Bick's makes a garlic dill with 50% less salt. They taste almost identical to the regular pickles.

Behold the awesomeness of a low-sodium pickle!

Fatty would have come in second

Kansas State University nutrition professor, Mark Haub, has lost 26 pounds in 10 weeks with his Twinkie diet. Starting at 201 pounds, Haub lost 12.9% of his total weight. If he had competed in the original Thinspiration XXL competition, Haub would have come in second! Insert scientific conclusion here.

My latest gimmick

The fact is that I have been exercising on a regular basis in the last few weeks, and in spite of eating more, my weight has not changed. Also static, but less encouraging, are my body measurements.

With the three week extension to the Catwoman Competition, I have decided to take desperate measures. I will be attending Bikram Yoga classes for the month of November. My friend, the Storymaster insists that this is a surefire way to melt away the fat. Having only tried it once before, I can vouch that it is debatable form of torture.

Madonna does Ashtanga yoga, and she has zero body fat. I have been told that my hands look like Madonna's so perhaps doing Bikram Yoga will cause this similarity to spread throughout my body. One guy doesn't think Bikram Yoga is healthy for Madonna. Well, that's enough faulty logic for today. See you at the sweat mark.

Catwoman Competition results: inconclusive

At the finale of the Catwoman Competition, body measurements were quickly forgotten as competitors gorged on homemade baked goods by Flocons, and a sushi party tray. The competitors were then distracted by the need to show off their costumes to unwilling spectators, like friend and non-follower of Thinspiration XXL, Senan. Fortunately, Senan's child was already safely ensconced in bed, and did not have her Halloween ruined by six creepy adults.

After sorely testing the hospitality of Senan, the competitors returned to the home of Flocons and Royal Pinguo to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii, with the body parts of Jon Levy distributed to the winner of each round. This will be news to Jon Levy, who assumes that cannibalism is simply a topic of debate, rather than a real personal concern.

Frankly, no one looked good in a catsuit, even prior to the binge eating that has become status quo at Thinspiration XXL events. Hence, the 'Catwoman' competition will continue and conclude on Beautiful Day: November 20.

Save the date by marking it on your calendars (especially you, Jon Levy, you tasty, tasty morsel).

A Catsuit for All Seasons

The Catwoman Competition concludes this Sunday on Halloween.

It is unclear how a winner will be determined since the winning criteria have never been made clear, but the competitors will be judged, and judged harshly, as they strut about in skin tight outfits.

To quash false hope right now: there will not be any photos posted; only results.

Stay tuned!

DD Day +1

Okay. We did it.

In concept, melted cheese and bacon on chicken sounds extraordinarily delicious. In practice, and even knowing it's gastly level of sodium beforehand I wasn't expecting a mouthful of the Dead Sea when I bit into it.

It reminded me of these... for those of more urban origins those are Salt Lick Blocks that are given to cattle. These as you may have guessed are large blocks of salt.

Cows lick these.

KFC is now selling you a deep fried one for $7 a shot.

Thank Dionysus there was a pub nearby. It took a huge stein (two actually) of good beer and a monster size salad to get the salt taste of my tongue.

Though I am happy to report it does not indeed require hot sauce per se, but it wouldn't have hurt.

Verdict on the Double Down:

ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY

DD-Day

So...

Today is the day we Double Down. I'm still hesitant. Just thinking about it makes me feel an aneurysm coming on sending my arteries and kidneys cowering in fear.

Will our stomachs survive the gastrointestinal onslaught of sodium and fat in a tasty chicken package? Well, wait and see.

All I know is this:

It will probably need hot sauce.

A Haiku for the KFC Double Down

Two seasoned chickens.

The breaded deep-fried borders,

Of the Double Down.

Delicious bacon,

Thy crispy salty nature,

A pleasure of taste.

Melted pepper jack.

The cohesive cheese that binds,

Merging of flavour.

Sauce of mystery,

A rare treat for the senses.

The sandwich complete!

KFC: Double Down!

The KFC Double Down arrives in Canada today! Premium seasoned chicken, strips of delicious bacon, two slices of pepper jack cheese, and special sauce... The Thinspiration XXL team will be jogging to KFC on Thursday, then replenishing lost electrolytes with the infamous Double Down!

DOUBLE DOWN! DOUBLE DOWN!

If you gotta sit on your ass, at least make wasting time interesting

Not one to shy away from sloth at times of slothiness, a chosen victim of my own inertia I try to be at least partially mentally engaged with the process of ever-widening my waist and ass in between my infrequent workouts.

So join me on the couch, relax, and enjoy the show with these 2 short time wasters:

The 600 Years, by the macula. For the 600th Anniversary of the Astronomical Clock Tower in Prague. I dig old clocks like this, the mechanics and calculations that had gone into their construction must have been staggering. Buildings have stories to tell as do the people who built them.

I've seen projected building work before but nothing like this. "the macula" display here just totally blew me away. Make sure you have the sound on and in IE and Firefox hit F11 to max out your screen, the video is TALL.

Suggested pairing: roast pork with dumplings and sauerkraut, Czechvar or Kozel beer

Mass Effect 2's opening sequence. An opening scene sets the tone, doesn't matter if it's the opening bars to a concert or the first scene of King Lear.

Bioware has turned much of what was once considered the "non-art" of video games and made them relevant. Mass Effect 2's opening interactive cut-scene alone turned customary game intro's upside down and inside out.

This sequence left my quaking jaw on the floor when I fired it up in January on release day. Even if you don't know the story of the first game, this is a pretty epic way to get uncontrollably pulled into the ME universe in the sequel.

SPOILER: You play as Commander Shepard. And in the first 5 minutes, you die. Chew on that for a minute.

Yes that is a LEGO Normandy SR-2 built by Ben Fellowes. It even has a LEGO Kodiak shuttle and a docking bay to store it in. 1.26 metres of LEGO awesomeness.

Suggested pairing: any Big Rock beer and Alberta beef tenderloin.

I feel my ass getting bigger by the moment.

The Secret Halle Berry Workout

To become Catwoman, one must exercise like Catwoman! This has lead me to researching the most recent actress to play Catwoman with stalker-like intensity. It turns out that Halle Berry gained back her thin figure after having a baby through a special workout. I haven't been able to find the exact details of this secret workout, but based on paparazzi photographs, I have assembled what must be a reasonable facsimile of it.

Step 1: Jog with child in a stroller. This must be her cardio workout. She must be wearing her dri-fit dress in this photo. Increased resistance training can be accomplished by used heavier a child, or perhaps doubling up on children. She probably adds in hills and walking on high-heels definitely works her calves.

Step 2: Arm curls with dogs. This must be her upper-body strength training. The brilliance of using live dogs is that they are constantly squirming, forcing you to use your stabilizer muscles to maintain a good grip and balance. If you want to bulk up on muscle, you can do fewer reps with a heavier breed of dog. If you want lean muscle, you do more reps with a smaller breed of dog.

Step 3: Tongue presses with Jamie Foxx. This must be her flexibility and core workout. It also stresses a key principle in workouts. You are more likely to exercise when you have a workout buddy. Now, I have to emphasize that while Halle Berry did tongue presses with Jamie Foxx, I could do a modified version of this exercise... with Don Cheadle or Cuba Gooding Jr. It doesn't have to be Jamie Foxx. You can be mix-it-up and be creative.

Marshmallow in the middle but she's got much back

I have learned what I must do to make my bust bigger, but what about my waist? A smaller waist will be key to becoming Catwoman, whatever version of her.

Catwoman	Chest	Waist	Hips
Halle Berry	36"	22"	37"
Michelle Pfeiffer	33.5"	24"	34"
Julie Newmar	38"	23"	38"
Me	32.5"	27.6"	37.8"

As you can see, my hips are Catwoman ready so I'm already 1/3 of the way towards victory.

In the next few weeks, I will attempt the following strategies for a smaller waist:

• eat whole grains instead of refined grains
• cardio exercises to decrease overall fat
• special waist whittling exercises

Having to lose as much as 5" off my waist will be tough so expect increasingly desperate measures as Halloween looms.

Between a rock and a fat place...

Firstly we all know Speedster is the only one who will do the catwoman suit justice, being female and all. Seeing as the rest of us are male we are doomed to failure but try we must.

So I've finally made my donation of $20.80 to Partners in Health as decreed by the First Chapter of TXXL and rounded it up to a more substantial amount as promised in one of my earliest posts.

In doing so, it dawns on me in introspection how quickly I have not only reverted but lost ground on my pre-competition form.

Immediately after the finale and all other summer events wrapped up, I pretty much came to a sit-still. Thanksgiving was awesome, but did not help there especially when bundled together with 2 birthdays and a wedding. Much cheer, much food, much sloth.

My measurements are not flattering.

So it all begins anew and I throw an/old new friend into the mix. Sunday if I make it out of town to see the sibs again....Indoor Rock Climbing !!! Finally, after a significant hiatus my climbing gear will be dusted off (pun yes I am aware) and finally put to use once more. My 9yo nephew who weighs nothing will leave me in his dust not having gravity to tire him out.

My arms have been feeling spindly, my legs, not so strong. This should add to the rectification of slothiness or at least justify it.

Climbing regularly strengthens and stretches EVERYTHING and should tone me up towards that catwoman suit nicely. Though I'll pass on the heels.

I just hope my gut doesn't block my step.

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Flocons

Current body measurements

Bust: 42"

Waist: 44"
Hips: 43"
Thighs: 25"
Upper arms: 14"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: I'm shocked my bust, waist, and hip measurements give me a comparable figure to the province of Saskatchewan. Imagine Saskatchewan in a catsuit... that will be me.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Concerning Catwoman, I feel I have nothing in common with her... aside from my fetish with whips and leather. Besides those things, we are completely different!

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: To become Catwoman, I must EAT like Catwoman. That means a diet of freshly caught mice, raw fish, and small birds. Oh yes, I must also consume small amounts of melamine in my daily diet. Mmm mmm good!

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Thorn

Current body measurements

Bust: 37.4"

Waist: 35.4"
Hips: 39"
Thighs: 23.2"
Upper arms: 13.4"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman: None. I'm not doing it.

What I already have in common with Catwoman: Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman: I'm Batman! Swear to me! (Pika)

Catwoman Competitor Profile: Doctor Cook

Current body measurements

Bust: 38"

Waist: 31.5"
Hips: 37"
Thighs: 22.5"
Upper arms: 12"

Feelings about becoming Catwoman:
I am filled with excitement at becoming Catwoman. This excitement in turn brings me shame.

What I already have in common with Catwoman:

An aloof attitude towards "owners" of cats; contempt for evil-doers, mixed with a desire to break the rules; and a repository of clever one-liners.

Strategy for becoming Catwoman:
I intend to rely heavily on my cattitude towards cleanliness (I shall give myself frequent baths) and a feeling of superiority.

Frankly, I have nothing to prove to you. I am already spectacular. I think I shall leave now.

But what's that? Catnip?

AAAAAaaaaaahhhhh.... scratch my belly... puuurrrrrrrr....

*swipes a claw at you*

Mwuahahahaa! Catwoman puts the OW in meow!