Delicious food that I could be eating

I'm currently in Boston, enjoying a different ambiance for a couple of weeks, and wanted to thank celestialspeedster for making this trip considerably less enjoyable. Curse you for proposing this competition!

Boston and New England in general are home to many delicious and terribly unhealthy dishes. I thought I'd share some pictures of all the wonderful food I won't be eating while I'm here. Well, hopefully not, anyway...



The Lobster Roll

This delightful looking heart stopper is basically lobster mixed in with copious amounts of mayonnaise, served on a hot dog bun. I'm dying to eat one.

Estimated % of daily calories: >50%

Boston Cream Pie

The basic composition of this amazing food, is cake (sugar, flour, milk, eggs, and oil); cream filling (more sugar, milk, eggs and butter); and chocolate ganache (chocolate and cream). This is also available in donut form. Surprisingly, neither is good for you. Sigh...

Estimated % of daily calories: Just put down the fork, fatty.





New England Clam Chowder

Soup? Surely this must be healthy? Guess again. Clam chowder is essentially just cream, potatoes, and clams, with some bacon and butter thrown in for good measure.

Estimated % of daily calories: 25%, for a modest serving. In the US, this size of serving doesn't exist.





The Fluffernutter

This might sound like something you would order in the red light district in Amsterdam, but it is in fact layers of peanut butter and marshmallow "fluff" sandwiched between two slices of bread. This creation was proposed as the state sandwich of Massachusetts.

Estimated % of daily calories: If you're eating this regularly, your daily calories are the least of your worries.

...

I hope this makes your mouths water, competitors, and that you give in to temptation.

To paraphrase a former colleague, "Giving up smoking, drinking, and unhealthy food won't actually make you live longer. It will just feel like it."

So just go for it everyone. They sell Boston Cream Pie in most urban centers. Think about it. I know I will...

PETA tempting me with cannibalism

When you quit smoking, they say that if you can survive the first four days, you'll be okay. Well, my addiction is eating... and the last week has been difficult. I dare say it is a contradiction of my raison d'etre. I have been eating less, and from the last weight-in, it looks like it's working.

It's not to say that I'm not tempted by food. Society tempts you to eat badly, because it's full of gastronomic pushers and pimps of all sorts of terrible food. It's easy to resist the obvious traps. The red-haired clown tempts me with burgers and fries. The white-haired colonel temps me with chicken wings. I say no to them with disgust. But what about the wolves in sheep's clothing? What about black-haired Jared who tells me that eating a foot-long sub is good for me?

Thanks to my calorie counting website (caloriecount.about.com), I know some of the dirty tricks of the food industry. You see, that foot-long sub comes with a foot long bun loaded with carbs and a foot of cold cuts that is full of sodium. It's better than a pizza, but it is nowhere near as healthy as a home-made meal. What about fruit drinks? Loaded with sugar... and real fruit juice is only slightly better. It's also high in sugar and devoid of the precious fiber that your body needs. Do you think trail mix and granola is the way to go? Take a look at the calories and carbs. Diet soda may have zero calories, but it's nowhere near as good as a fresh glass of water. Don't be fooled, my friends.

On that note, what HAVE I been eating? I've been eating more fruits and vegetables. I've been packing them as snacks. Not V8 or Fruitopia... I mean REAL fruits and vegetables. I've been drinking water like a mad man too. Water has zero calories and it fills you up. Fiber also does this very well. I've been eating fiber pills at that crucial time around 2:30 in the afternoon, when my body feels like it wants a snack. I allow myself one "junk meal" a day if my spirit is weak, but it's either during breakfast or lunch... never for dinner. I mentioned this before, but I've been trying to turn my dinners into a light snack. Either cereal or some fruits. I've finally been able to do this during the last 3 days.

I won't kid you. This dramatic change scares me. Today it was 3pm and I realized I didn't eat lunch yet. I didn't feel hungry. The day before, I had only an apple and celery for dinner, and it felt strangely normal. I've been taking multi-vitamins because I'm concerned I'm not getting enough nutrients. To top this off, I've had to battle with strange posters from PETA encouraging me to adopt cannibalism (see above). I would think that PETA would be happy that I've eating more fruits and vegetables, but instead they tempt me into eating humans! That's sick, PETA... almost as sick as your posters tempting me to eat kittens.

More words from a winner

It is hard to enjoy my second consecutive victory because I fear losing the lead at the next weigh-in.

For one, I have a competitor who is also refusing to eat, but has a lot more weight to lose. Now that Flocons is finally following the advice that friends have been offering for years and putting down that fork, I fear that he will become an unstoppable, rapidly diminishing force.

Secondly, I cannot eat any less than I currently do, and maintain my mental and physical health. My weight loss thus far has been mainly the result of portion control, but unless I start consuming nothing but celery, I fear that this strategy has run its course.

I may actually have to start exercising if I am to remain in the overall lead. In a faulty turn of logic, I have decided to join the Toronto Girls' Cupcake Ride this weekend. And, I hope to supplement bike riding with running, perhaps in preparation for an event in September.

Fellow competitors, I think it would be hilarious to have us run a 5K or 10K together. And maybe, end it with a cupcake or prime rib...no, wait...

The battle between my mouth and my legs to see which will hold sway over my back fat begins.

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 2

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	124 lbs	- 2 lb	- 5 lbs ( - 3.9%)
Doctor Cook	??? lbs	? lb	+ 1 lb ( + 0.6%)
Flocons	205 lbs	- 5 lbs	- 7 lbs ( - 3.3%)
Opiate	182 lbs	- 1 lb	- 1 lb ( - 0.5%)
Royal Pinguo	142 lbs	- 1 lb	- 2 lb ( - 1.4%)
Thorn	172 lbs	- 0 lbs	- 4 lbs ( - 2.3%)

Not to rub it in or anything...

I drank at least 4 or 5 of those sugary juices on Sunday and thank the Storyteller profusely. It was incredibly hot out and they were great. I think I left most of them behind in the salt on my shirt. The word crustacean was mentioned. I felt like a coral reef.

Last night after dragon boat practice I had a pint of Keith's Red and an entire large Mediterranean pizza at Sunnyside Cafe all to myself before biking up to the Subway. The pizza did not entirely resemble this one but it was still yummy.

I may be very near last after the first week but I still prefer my methods over other battle tactics being currently put in the field.

The Keith's pint, well that was permitted being immediately after a rather rough practice. When I got home I managed to say no to the 3 tall cans of Creemore Thorn sent me home with Sunday that are still in my fridge untouched. That's a good thing, there's 3 so they're not lonely.

Laziness and poverty: My partners in weight loss

The strange thing about being so hungry is that I still can't manage to eat. At times, my stomach growls so loudly and constantly that I expect to frighten my co-workers. At the least, I'm fairly certain I would antagonize someone's dog!

I've been working long hours and so often find myself at work until the late evening. So during my hungriest moments today, I was discussing this problem with my friend Fish.

Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations (FISH): "Hey, why don't you go buy something at some restaurant?"
Me: "Good question Fish. I go out too much and I'm poor, so I really don't want to spend more than 2 dollars on food."
Fish: "2 dollars? Good lord! I wouldn't wear socks that cost 2 dollars!"
Me: "Don't judge me Fish, you jerk! You're not even real! Don't make me imagine you in a dress!"

Fish: "Okay, okay. Sorry. So, why not walk to China town? Everything there is slightly expired and so cheaper."
Me: "Yeah, that's an okay idea Fish, but I might have some serious bowel trouble"
Fish: "That'll help you lose weight!"
Me: "Yeah! Good point! But... it's soooo far. And I have no energy."

Fish: "McDonalds? Burgers are <$1.50!" Me: "Dammit Fish! I'm trying to lose weight! McDonald's is my kryptonite! Does Lois Lane stuff kryptonite down Superman's pants? No! So keep double cheeseburgers out of mine! Think outside the box!"
Fish: "Okay, okay. I'm trying to help. Don't yell at me or I'll start pumping KFC smells into your brain."
Me: "Sorry. I'm just really hungry. I just pictured you as a turkey a minute ago."













Fish: "Gobble, gobble!"
Me: *salivates
"Mmmm..."
Fish: "Snap out of it!"
Me: "Yikes. Sorry..."

Fish: "So why don't you bring in lunch?"
Me: "But... I'd have to make it... and I don't have any food"
Fish: "Yes you do. Remember? There's pasta and bread and stuff."
Me: "Carbs? Gah! Idiot! Sorry. Sorry. Keep going."
Fish: "You could buy other stuff. Meat."
Me: "Too many housemates. They'd steal it."
Fish: "What? You're crazy!"
Me: "There are nine of them. And one of them may be a serial killer. I'm not sure, but I think he also stole my bike."
Fish: "You are insane. I mean, you're talking to me."
Me: "Dammit Fish, be constructive!"
Fish: "Okay, okay, buy it the same day you cook it?"
Me: "From the grocery store...? But it's so far!"
Fish: "It's on your way home!"
Me: "Yeah... I guess... but my kitchen is gross! I hate cooking there!"
Fish: "You are impossible."

Me: "Really, we need to find something that doesn't cost much money, doesn't require me to do much work or use my kitchen, and that won't make me morbidly obese."
Fish: "Scavenge food from your co-workers?"
Me: "Hmmm... I think you're on to something!"
*begins rummaging through desks and fridges around the work environment
Fish: "Any luck?"
Me: "I found some watermelon, three french fries, and some Lindt chocolate."
Fish: "Good job!"

...

And that was my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't have long to live! But I will die victorious, mark my words!

The race to anorexia

Recently, The Storymaster moved into a new dwelling and, coincidentally, enlisted every Thinspiration XXL competitor to assist her. Reporting on how little we had eaten for breakfast became a game of one-up-manship:

"I had two apples."

"I had nothing."

"I didn't even have dinner last night!"

As we carried The Storymaster's solid furniture, including a coffee table that was presumably made of lead, we talked excitedly about how the exercise would allow us to burn more calories.

"My body is probably consuming itself for energy!"

When The Storymaster offered cold orange juice during a break, everyone eyed the Nutritional Information with suspicion. Those who chose to drink in the 140 calories contained in the juice were soundly mocked.

As the day wore on, the gnawing hunger took its toll. Royal Pinguo and I shared a single granola bar despite Flocons's taunts, before passing out. Doctor Cook also fell into unconsciousness soon after.

We remained relatively quiet when The Storymaster took us out to lunch, perhaps lacking the energy to even converse, then because we were urgently stuffing our mouths with food.

The starvation tactic is probably not going to work over the two remaining months of the competition - I pray it doesn't. But this is like an arms race, and I won't stop this virtual hunger strike until someone else puts some food in their mouth.

Thinspiration Update

The first week was quite successful. My competitors were at a disadvantage though due to the fact that my first weigh in was after binge eating in Chicago. However, I'll use whatever means necessary to win (or at the very least, not lose) this competition.

The next few pounds will be much harder to lose. I'm at my normal stable weight (not necessarily my optimal weight, just what I've weighed at for the past 5-7 years or so). I'll have to forgo the beef patties and pastries that I frequently consume from the coffee truck we have at work. Yes, my workplace is so remote from normal restaurants that we have a coffee truck that comes in every morning, lunchtime and afternoon during weekdays.

Unfortunately, I've developed a Pavlovian response to the chime of the coffee truck and instantly salivate when I hear it. I do not get hungry until 10:30am because that's when it usually comes and if I miss it my stomach grumbles "Why are you doing this to me???". I'll have to unlearn this conditioned response and it won't be easy but this is what I have to do to succeed and go below 172 lbs. I know this because during a recent trip outside of the country I lost weight because I didn't have access to the sweet, sweet coffee truck.

First Step: Stop eating from the coffee truck
Second Step: ???
Third Step: Profit! (Win Thinspiration XXL)

Words from a winner

I would like to congratulate all of my fellow competitors on their efforts in Week 1. Flocons, you are ever so close to reaching 1% weight loss; continue to fight for your dreams!

My success this week can be attributed to the love and support of The Storymaster, because money equals caring. Also taking credit: Mother Nature; by turning Toronto into one large sauna, I sweated my way to the top of the competition.

Speaking with friends about Thinspiration XXL, I have come to realize that everyone is trying to lose weight. Jennie, Jason, Jessica: I salute your efforts, and ask you to take the money that you would spend on food and place them in my trustworthy hands, instead. Ken: you have no interest in losing weight because you are an android, but look into that void where a human heart would reside, and realize that supporting my charity is the logical decision.

I will match every British pound equivalent donated.

Sweat and starvation were the tactics of choice for Week 1. Week 2, I will trying...exercising. See you at the scale.

good idea bad idea...

I biked home from work yesterday at 4:30pm, had some water and fruit, then immediately went for a run around 5:15-ish when it was still insanely hot out. Only 6k. It was stupidly hot. I did it anyway. I learned two (three) things:

1. I am incredibly out of shape mentally even more than physically, I am lacking on the discipline I once had. In the muggy heat which never used to phase me, my legs just never felt like moving and my will was sapped. Calves and quads felt like jello. Here's the rub: In realizing my legs felt like jello, it only made me hungry for jello. I don't even like jello. Is that a bad thing? Hunger occurred to me wayyyyy before I realized it was from the combo of the lack of training, biking home, and the heat. I don't like jello.
   
2. It was stupid. To run in that heat and humidity. Regardless, I am still likely to run in this heat again to make a desperate attempt at getting my heat tolerance and endurance back up.
   
3. I do not have "pecs" anymore. I have man-boobs. Yes. There I said it. I ran shirtless for the last half to get some air contact directly onto my skin and saw my reflection in the window of a store. Not flattered.
   

Fatty Weigh-in: Week 1

Competitor	Current Weight	Tally	Total
celestialspeedster	126 lbs	- 3 lbs	- 3 lbs ( - 2.3%)
Doctor Cook	181 lbs	+ 1 lb	+ 1 lb ( + 0.6%)
Flocons	210 lbs	- 2 lbs	- 2 lbs ( - 0.9%)
Opiate	183 lbs	- 0 lbs	- 0 lbs ( - 0%)
Royal Pinguo	143 lbs	- 1 lb	- 1 lb ( - 0.7%)
Thorn	172 lbs	- 4 lbs	- 4 lbs ( - 2.3%)

Competitor Profile: Royal Pinguo

Thinspiration Competitor Profile

Name: Royal Pinguo

Current Weight: 144 lbs

Goal: 130 lbs

Lowest Adult Weight: 110 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): Minty Gum, Diary Product, Foie Gras

Favourite food(s): Apple

Least favourite healthy food: Cabbage

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Apples! There are so many different kinds and I am hoping I won’t get bored of eating them.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: Never. I have nightmare of toothache so no food for me at night not even in the dream.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: Same as above, fear of toothache

Exercise strategy: Join expensive Gym and hope I will go since I have paid for it. It failed badly.

Thinspiration celebrity: She-Ra Princess of Power. I always wanted a waist like that and the super power is nice too.

Favourite workout music: No music for me. I like to watch TV on the Treadmill in stead. Prefer any of the murder show.

Weighty sob story: I have to go to many weddings every year. It gets harder and harder to find dresses that fit me nicely and remain the same size.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: Matthew McConaughey. I really don’t like him and definitely do not feel bad to grill or BBQ him when desperate.

Charitable beneficiary: World Wildlife Fund - I miss being vegetarian not only save many animals from being eaten by me also save many pounds from growing on me.

Mind over fatter

I've been thinking of strategies on how to lose weight, when I have failed so many times before. After some soul searching, I've found some answers. Why did I fail to lose weight in the past?

• The belief that exercise alone could compensate for terrible eating habits.
• The belief that shoot-from-the-hip zeal could compensate for lack of a structure or plan.

With this in mind, I've decided to implement some structure in the weeks ahead. In fact, there have been a lot of health initiatives that I've been putting on the back-burner until now. My weight loss strategy is a 3-pronged plan of attack.

Exercise: A few months ago, I started doing P90x for a few weeks. It provided awesome results, but I fell off the wagon during week 6. Despite this, it was the most structured and intense workout that I've ever done. I'm re-starting the program for Thinspiration XXL. I'm also encouraging Royal Pinguo to participate with me. We all live busy lives, but exercise will improve your energy levels and quality of life. I'm also going to make the time to get my exercise in.

Eating: This has always been my Achilles heel. It's no secret that I love to eat. Over the past week, I've asked people who have succeeded in weight loss. The advice that really hit home was this: "It's a lot easier to say no to that slice of cake than to go jogging for an hour." I've been fooling myself into believing that exercise could actually counter eating. It's not true. With this in mind, I'm starting to count my calories on this website: caloriecount.about.com Let's be clear, the results are not good, but it will help guide me to better eating in the weeks ahead. I encourage my other competitors to use this service as well. It even keeps track of calories burned during exercise.

Pooing: Royal Pinguo has been encouraging me to use detox supplement pills. We bought them on sale a few weeks ago, but I've been reluctant to use them. Well, I've started using them. It's called FirstCleanse, and it's designed for first-timers like me. I might add fiber pills into the mix too. I started on Monday, and I have to say that my poo is a force of nature now. Thank you FirstCleanse.

That's my strategy for Thinspiration XXL. It's no secret that I am the heaviest competitor. I plan on closing the gap in the coming weeks.

Competitor Profile: Thorn

Name: Thorn

Current Weight: 176

Goal: 163

Lowest Adult Weight: 155

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): I have no moral or religious dietary restriction. The more morally ambiguous the better. I have an aversion to ginger. The root and also the hair colour.

Favourite food(s): Instant noodles. I can eat mountains of the stuff. If I buy a full box it would be gone by the end of the week (there are usually more than 30 packages to a box). I think they put something in MSG that's akin to heroine.

Least favourite healthy food: Brown rice. I thought I'd like it. It is rice after all and I'm naturally attached to that amazing starch. However, the texture just kills it for me. It makes eating rice a chore when it should be a pleasure. I don't want to work when I eat.

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: See above re: instant noodles. Why wouldn't you want to eat your favourite food for the rest of your life? I guess the alternative would be strawberry icecream from Häagen-Dazs. This is what originally made me fat. I guess I loved it enough to ignore the fact that my waistline was expanding.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: The only time was wanting to re-enact the food scene with Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. I saw that when I was way too young to see those sorts of things.

Exercise strategy: To reduce the water weight in my body. If the body is 80% water, I suppose I can drop it down to 70% and still be alive. I figure that's enough to get me below my desired weight. Okay, so I'll be severely dehydrated but at least I'll still eat good food without the need to exercise.

Thinspiration celebrity: Gerard Butler in 300 and not Gerard Butler in 300 Pounds.

Favourite workout music: I tend not to workout with music but if I had to then it would be this one. Or random dance/pop music.

Weighty sob story: When my size large shirts started feeling a bit snug I knew I had to stop eating those quarts of Häagen-Dazs ice cream every few days. I was wearing big people clothes.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: One of the Two Fat Ladies. The living one. Imagine how marbled she must be. They cooked with lard their whole life, it's like eating Kobe Humans.

Charitable beneficiary: Habitat for Humanity, because everyone deserves a place to live. Even me. They didn't build my house though. Bastards.

This is etched in stone

Whatever claims the other competitors may make, I can produce a concrete result: sponsorship! The Storymaster has agreed to back my campaign to thinness along with my chosen charity. As a yoga and martial arts expert, she has already provided additional benefits such as deftly slapping cookies out of my hand, and putting the fear of failure, and her subsequent wrath, in me.

I hastily march out The Storymaster's financial support of my cause because the first weigh-in is fast approaching, and I am not sure that I have made enough progress. What with Doctor Cook's hunger strike, and Opiate's gauntlet throwing, my simple strategy of eating less and moving more might not produce the results that a taskmaster like The Storymaster expects.

To be clear, you cannot back out of your financial commitment now, The Storymaster. Everyone knows about it!

I will continue following a sensible weight loss strategy until panic sets in and I resort to more colourful methods...stay tuned!

Are you going to eat that?

You know the situation is getting dire when the image above makes you hungry. Not horrified? Well, you should be. I wasn't just talking about the pasta!

It's been almost a week of the Thinspiration competition and I am most assuredly losing weight. My strategy so far has been to cut out those horrible foods that so easily cause weight gain: all of them. Kate Moss, eat your heart ou- Oops, what am I saying? Kate Moss, starve your heart out! Right. Much better.

The "internet" tells me that I presently burn around 3000 calories per day on average.

Presently, I've been consuming in the range of 1500-2000 calories per day, with some notable exceptions, for a daily deficit of 1000-1500 calories.

A pound of fat is 3500 calories. So that basically means I should be losing a pound every 3 days or so.

This leads to an important mathematical safety-conscience question.

At this rate, how long will it take until I lose so much weight that I will literally disappear?

The answer: between 3 and 5 months.

If you use a bunch of probably completely made up numbers, my 180 lbs of weight, last I checked, can be broken down into:

23 lbs of fat [13% body fat. :( ] x 3500 = 82,000 calories
30 lbs of protein x 1800 = 54,000 calories
112 lbs of water
15 lbs of random fairly important stuff, like bones

I'm sure celestialspeedster, our resident cannibalism enthusiast, is perking up at this. One medium sized human could theoretically feed a person for months.

...

But, the point I'm trying to make is, I'm very very hungry. All of the time. There is a constant nagging buzzing feeling in my stomach. I dream of food. I even smell food when it isn't there. There was a distinctive smell of peanut butter earlier. I wasn't having a stroke, so perhaps it was a starvation-induced hallucination.

As the saying should go, I'm hungry enough to eat a Michael Moore. Almost, anyway.

Seriously, look at him.

He's just asking to be eaten!

Throwing Down the Gauntlet

I like to eat and I like to drink.

Very much so.

So much that I'm amazed I'm not 300lbs. I could be. The very morning after the start of this challenge I had bacon and eggs for breakfast in no small quantity. No fruit, no juice, just grease. I'm not entirely sure I'd gotten started on the right foot here.

I have always known that I have to continually work to stave off a family trait. All the guys in my family lineage are well....huge. The fact that at 5'6" I'm also considerably shorter than both my father and older brother doesn't escape me either.....that's a lot of fatty bulk packed into a smaller frame and it shows, I can't hide it head to toe like my 6'2" brother does. I already have an uphill battle ahead of me to take everyone down.

Especially celestialspeedster who is resisting all attempts at cookie bribes from her fellow competitors and orders water at dinner when we order beer. Grrr.... Curse her public resilience!

All in all I am officially announcing that I will be matching pound for pound, any pledges towards me and in turn towards Partners In Health. To make this a feasible possibility and to ensure that PIH is actually going to be getting a donation out of this I will be personally donating an amount as a minimum and all pledges will be doubled by me then added to that amount.

So there!!

To help maximise that potential donation my basic plan of attack is based around some key elements in my life right now:

1: (percieved) athletiscism: I run, bike and dragon boat. A lot. Just not enough. I have the Montreal Marathon less than two months away and the 15k Midsummer's Night Run in August only weeks before that. This realization of that invisible wire I'm coming down to....has me somewhat rattled. I really need to actually start taking this a bit more seriously as I have not logged any real consistent miles for some time. Biking to work every day helps, but unless we start hitting 40c outside and I wear a parka it's not entirely my ace in the hole so my running regimen MUST be ramped up.

2: Stress and eating habits: Just over a month ago I became single again after 4 years. Just this past weekend I moved apartments. Sudden doubling of your rent and utilities bills, shopping and cooking for only yourself and no longer sharing meals makes ones eating habits take a very different turn. I still consider my ex one of my best friends, but living with her was like sharing a kitchen with Chef Paul and can be summed up by the image of a grilled 12oz prime rib slathered in melted cheese and gravy with fried bacon on top. Pure and simple. I love her cooking, she even owns her own deep fryer. Yes a deep fryer. No longer having ready access to her incredible BBQ'd ribs, lasagna, and other edibles of artery clogging awesome messy goodness will help me drop some significant poundage.

3: Beer: Smithwick's is my symbol, my honour, and my favourite beer in the world if I had to choose. I like to drink. I like heavy dark beers which pack on pounds like eating slabs of butter. I like to drink with friends, before during and after all kinds of activities and always have a beer after a long hard run, bike ride, dragon boat race, farm work or helping someone move. It is a celebration and a victory in one. The culmination of effort, and the justification of itself and it's awesomeness. This also means I drink way more than I should. This is going to change. Beer will not lose it's luster and it's glory. But I will not have so much in my fridge at any given time. I will not have so many on nights out. I will not drink as much beer.

Gasp in shock now.

4: Self-abuse and video games: Akin to no. 1 I like to be outdoors doing things. I consider myself relatively competitive and try to perform better in every event I do. I also sit on my ass at home and play a lot of video games. When I run I'm trying to tire myself out and make myself hurt. I beat myself up, not emotionally, but push physically beyond my normal endurance and try to get that happy endorphin rush from an effort worth the pain. Herein lies progress.

When I don't go for a run, yoga class or bike ride and I chose the slothful path of xbox, herein lies stagnation and deterioration. Like beer, I play video games a lot more than I should and the Gears of War 2 TicTicBoom weekend being incredibly fun hasn't helped any. I set up my xbox after the move before nearly anything else. This is also going to change because drinking beer while sitting on my ass playing video games is hardly progress.

Competitor profile: Doctor Cook

Name: Doctor Cook

Current Weight: 180

Goal: 165

Lowest Adult Weight: 160

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): I have a small number of allergies which will aid me in this competition. I've recently developed an allergy to walnuts, and now will scream in terror at the offer of any nut-infested baked good. I'm also allergic to cats and mice, which should keep me clear of the nefarious "street meat" of Toronto.

Favourite food(s): Generally, I'm a huge fan of any food that had parents. At the top of my list is popcorn chicken from KFC, and their delicious gravy, both on french fries and poured piping hot into my mouth. If cheese curds can be thrown into the mix, all the better!

Least favourite healthy food: I'm torn between mushrooms and brussel sprouts. Mushrooms feed on the dead, and I'll have no part of zombie vegetables. It just isn't right. And brussel sprouts have an odor somewhere between dirty feet and a ripe baby's diaper. Why on earth would you put that in your mouth?

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Walnuts. I would rather die from a closed windpipe than eat only one food for the rest of my life.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: Never. But I have woken up chewing on my pillow a number of times.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: I frequently have dreams of eating. I once dreamed of eating one of every animal, like Noah's ark, but buffet style. The crocodile hunter would track them down, Dick Cheney would shoot them, and Gordon Ramsay would cook them. The dream was never concluded, but I can only assume Dick Cheney shot everyone eventually. As for food covered celebrities, there have been many, of which Jessica Alba is a favorite guest.

Exercise strategy: Shun the TTC. Walk everywhere. Run 1-2 times a week. Visit the gym, if only to look in, be inspired by others' work ethics, and then head to the pub. There is no coherent strategy at present, though my desire to utterly crush my opponents will see me do whatever it takes.

Thinspiration celebrity: Richard Simmons. His personality terrifies me, but I do respect how many people he has helped to lose weight.

Favourite workout music: I don't actually listen to music while working out. I prefer the sound of my own ragged breathing. Plus, I don't want to associate music that I like with all of the pain of exercise!

Weighty sob story: I'm too poor to keep buying newer bigger pants. I've twice had to leave weddings early on account of my suit being too tight and my being far too uncomfortable to stay.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: Michael Moore. I'd choose him for 3 reasons: he's large enough to make a few meals; I'm certain he would quickly irritate me enough to get over the horrors of having to eat another person; and finally, he's truly awful, and I'm sure the world would be improved with him as food. For the sake of irony, I would do my best to record the events, which I would later transform into a documentary.

Charitable beneficiary: Feed the children. I remember being told as a kid that I should finish my dinner because there were starving children in Africa. Not knowing any better, I always wanted to ship them my left-over food. Admittedly, money is much better and keeps longer!

Competitor Profile: Opiate

Name: Opiate

Current Weight: 183 lbs

Goal: 175 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 168 lbs (a long time ago with an Opiate far away)

Dietary restrictions (specify physiological or moral): Anti-MSG. The stuff is not only a useless filler additive but tastes disgusting and makes me feel ill in all manner of unpleasant ways.

Favourite food(s)/greatest weakness: anything chocolate, spicy, smoked, meaty, cheesy, and anything that goes with beer. Maybe beer.

Least favourite healthy food: squishy/creamy tofu

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be: Heavenly Hash ice cream, ensuring the duration remaining will be enjoyable and short.

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: none but have woken up with an unfinished beer can still in hand. Miraculously unspilled.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: Many but eating Heavenly Hash ice cream with fudge and caramel sauce off of Amanda Seyfried or/and Olivia Wilde is definitely up there.

Exercise strategy: Just keep doing what I’m doing, only more so. Yoga, running, drinking, cycling, drinking, dragon boating and drinking. Which essentially means my weight does not stand much of a chance of actually changing in any way. Sigh.

Thinspiration celebrity: Anyone hot who has the 6 pack abs I do not.

Favourite workout music: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Radiohead, Daniel Lanois, SOAD, STP, Alice in Chains, TOOL

Weighty sob story: 3 buttons popped off on 3 separate pairs of pants in one winter. That was a lot of unsatisfactory popping not involving bubble wrap. This was just this past winter. Le Cry.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time:

Chef Paul Prudhomme. If you are what you eat then Chef Paul would be one hell of a spicy jambalaya. Back in the day, Chef Paul was absolutely HUGE!!! His early cookbooks were for those who loved to eat and are recipes for coronary arterial disaster, yummy yummy disaster. He’s dropped a lot of weight since then but if he was still his former glorious bulk he could feed an entire tribe for the better part of a year, and he’s already well-seasoned and aged. I'd pair him with a nice bottle of Cab-Savingnon because oddly I happen to always have one handy when things become dire.

Charitable beneficiary: Partners In Health - because people have the right to be healthy regardless of their economic situation and PIH gave a damn about Haiti LONG before the earthquake. I swear Paul Farmer was Valve’s inspiration for Gordon Freeman, regardless of being completely unlike each other in any way other than getting things done and all around awesomeness.

Competitor Profile: Flocons

Name: Flocons De Mais

Current Weight: 212 lbs

Goal: 199 lbs or less

Lowest Adult Weight: 188 lbs

Dietary restrictions (specify physicological or moral): Lactose intolerant.

Favourite food(s): Chicken, which is great because a lot of things tastes like it.

Least favourite healthy food: Seafood in general

If you could eat only one food for the duration of your life, what would it be?: Swiss Chalet sauce

Number of times you have woken up with food in your mouth: None. I'm sure if there was food in my mouth while I was sleeping, it would be gone by the time I woke up.

Number of fantasies you have had featuring food or food covered celebrities: I have a recurring dream about Dick Cheney covered in gravy.

Exercise strategy: Random triathlon activities: Swimming, biking, and running... but not necessarily all together.

Thinspiration celebrity: Kirby (both a cannibal and a bulimic)

Favourite workout music: Misirlou aka "the Pulp Fiction song".

Weighty sob story: I ripped my pants while sitting down at my friends wedding.

Celebrity you would eat first, if the situation became dire, of course, not just as an enjoyable past-time: A basketball player, like Kobe Bryant. They are tall and meaty. Also, I could say that I've eaten Kobe beef.

Charitable beneficiary: Doctors Without Borders - because we should not hog all the healthcare due to our obesity.