Laziness and poverty: My partners in weight loss

The strange thing about being so hungry is that I still can't manage to eat. At times, my stomach growls so loudly and constantly that I expect to frighten my co-workers. At the least, I'm fairly certain I would antagonize someone's dog!

I've been working long hours and so often find myself at work until the late evening. So during my hungriest moments today, I was discussing this problem with my friend Fish.

Friend Induced by Starvation Hallucinations (FISH): "Hey, why don't you go buy something at some restaurant?"
Me: "Good question Fish. I go out too much and I'm poor, so I really don't want to spend more than 2 dollars on food."
Fish: "2 dollars? Good lord! I wouldn't wear socks that cost 2 dollars!"
Me: "Don't judge me Fish, you jerk! You're not even real! Don't make me imagine you in a dress!"

Fish: "Okay, okay. Sorry. So, why not walk to China town? Everything there is slightly expired and so cheaper."
Me: "Yeah, that's an okay idea Fish, but I might have some serious bowel trouble"
Fish: "That'll help you lose weight!"
Me: "Yeah! Good point! But... it's soooo far. And I have no energy."

Fish: "McDonalds? Burgers are <$1.50!" Me: "Dammit Fish! I'm trying to lose weight! McDonald's is my kryptonite! Does Lois Lane stuff kryptonite down Superman's pants? No! So keep double cheeseburgers out of mine! Think outside the box!"
Fish: "Okay, okay. I'm trying to help. Don't yell at me or I'll start pumping KFC smells into your brain."
Me: "Sorry. I'm just really hungry. I just pictured you as a turkey a minute ago."













Fish: "Gobble, gobble!"
Me: *salivates
"Mmmm..."
Fish: "Snap out of it!"
Me: "Yikes. Sorry..."

Fish: "So why don't you bring in lunch?"
Me: "But... I'd have to make it... and I don't have any food"
Fish: "Yes you do. Remember? There's pasta and bread and stuff."
Me: "Carbs? Gah! Idiot! Sorry. Sorry. Keep going."
Fish: "You could buy other stuff. Meat."
Me: "Too many housemates. They'd steal it."
Fish: "What? You're crazy!"
Me: "There are nine of them. And one of them may be a serial killer. I'm not sure, but I think he also stole my bike."
Fish: "You are insane. I mean, you're talking to me."
Me: "Dammit Fish, be constructive!"
Fish: "Okay, okay, buy it the same day you cook it?"
Me: "From the grocery store...? But it's so far!"
Fish: "It's on your way home!"
Me: "Yeah... I guess... but my kitchen is gross! I hate cooking there!"
Fish: "You are impossible."

Me: "Really, we need to find something that doesn't cost much money, doesn't require me to do much work or use my kitchen, and that won't make me morbidly obese."
Fish: "Scavenge food from your co-workers?"
Me: "Hmmm... I think you're on to something!"
*begins rummaging through desks and fridges around the work environment
Fish: "Any luck?"
Me: "I found some watermelon, three french fries, and some Lindt chocolate."
Fish: "Good job!"

...

And that was my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't have long to live! But I will die victorious, mark my words!